


Hell is other people, but not you

by FanAddicted2000



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I don't know where I'm going, I hope XD, Light Angst, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Worth It, but these girls have a lot to deal with, didn't mean to, they need the time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 51,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28553112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanAddicted2000/pseuds/FanAddicted2000
Summary: High school is hard. You're a teen, you're supposed to prepare for the big world that awaits for you, while you still know so little about anything. Add to that shitty home life and two girls trying to understand how they fit into the world.Jamie and Dani are going with their life, not really noticing they aren't living it to the fullest until their path crossed.Jamie is raising her baby brother by herself while balancing school and her job ; Dani is stuck in expectations that keep her from being her true self.It's hard to open yourself to others when you've been hurt, it's hard to know your true self when you've spent your whole life hiding.But at the end of the day, it's a risk worth taking.Or : Jamie loves ferns and books, Dani is awkward but sweet, Mickey is a cute toddler, Hannah is wise and Owen has plenty of puns
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 74
Kudos: 171





	1. Chapter 1

Dani had seen her before, of course. They’ve been going to the same school since middle grade. She didn’t know her but she knew of her, everybody did. Dani knew what things were said behind her back and to her face too. She never took part in it, she wouldn’t dare to be so mean to anyone for no reasons, but she never actually tried to stand for her. Or talk to her. Through the years they shared several classes and yet they’ve never talked. To be fair, she didn’t talk to a lot of people and Dani was never alone, always surrounded by her friends or friends of friends. Or Eddie. She didn’t have any excuses to approach her.

But this time was different.

Even though they’ve never interacted, Dani always kept an eye on her, looked for her in the hallways or the cafeteria. It was comforting somehow, to see her each day, to make sure that not only she was there, but she knew that she was. She always remarked the days she was absent and the day she came back. She missed at least one day per week, sometimes two but it was rare. Once, she missed an entire week and Dani had felt every hour of her absence with a deep heaviness in her chest. She always thought that they could be friends if they tried. There was something in her that intrigued Dani, yes, but it was more than curiosity. She was lonely and closed off, never let anyone come close to her. She kept to herself until someone came to bully her. Then, it was as if something opened up inside her, and she sort of kicked out of the quiet shell she usually kept herself in. She always stood tall in front of the other, words ready to counter their mean comments. When that wasn’t enough, she let her fists talk. A punch, a kick, only just one, smartly aimed before she left. But behind her angry behavior and rough words, Dani saw the books in her bag, the mud under her nails, the hurt in her eyes. And it was that pain, that hurt, that get to her. Not because Dani pitied her but because she sometimes caught glimpse of the same thing in the mirror.

So yeah, Dani had seen her before, of course.

But she had never seen her cried before that day.

She was in her English class when she had asked to be excused for a moment, needed to go to the bathroom. She hadn’t truly needed to use them, but she had felt the need to get a break to breath for a bit. Her anxiety could easily get the worst of her if she wasn’t careful so she had learnt to allow herself those short breaks. After splashing some cold water on her face, she had been readying herself to get back to her class when she had heard it first. Some faint sob, muffled by something. It had surprised her for she had thought she was alone in the bathroom.

“Hello?”

There was a silence for a moment before one of the doors had opened loudly. Jamie had walked out, chin up, eyes focused on the sinks, having clearly decided to ignore her. Dani had watched her, taking note of her red eyes and pink cheeks but before she could force words out of her mouth, Jamie had left. Not a glance, not a word, not the slight acknowledgment. And she was left breathless. She couldn’t explain why, but unlike the other times, she wasn’t satisfied with just seeing her. She had hurried out of the bathroom but Jamie was already long gone. With a sigh, Dani had returned to her class and tried in vain to focus on the lesson. She couldn’t get Jamie slim silhouette out of her mind, the way her clothes, always too big, seemed to swallow her. Baggy pants and big sweaters made her seem so small, like the wind could break her if it dared blowing too much.

At lunch, she was seated at her usual place, between Eddie and Rebecca among their shared friends. She was too distracted to give them her attention and after a few nudges to get her to talk they left her be. Eddie had his arm on her chair but also respected her quiet mood, content to just be near her. She had been looking for Jamie among the others students, waiting for her to step into the cafeteria. Had she left already? It was Thursday and she already missed school on Tuesday. She unconsciously started biting her nails as she waited. Usually, Jamie stayed the whole day, Dani couldn’t recall a day where she left in the middle of it. Though she could have and Dani just hadn’t known. It wasn’t as if she stalked her or anything.

Finally, Jamie came. She was dragging her feet, her hood low on her face as she walked to her usual spot near the windows. Without thinking, Dani spurred to her feet and walked to her. She could hear behind her the calls of her friends but she didn’t turn back. She was walking fast, long steps carrying her before she could change her mind. Jamie was already sitting, in that careless way that was so her, one foot on the chair, her other leg spread under the table. She had a book in her hand, an apple in the other.

“Hi” Dani exclaimed when she reached her.

Jamie looked up from her book, eyed her curiously before looking behind her with a raised brow. She didn’t say a word, shifting her focus back to her book. Dani desperately searched for words, trying not to let her nervousness drown her. Why did she think it was a good idea? Oh, that’s right, she hadn’t thought. She just acted on impulse upon seeing Jamie. It was awkward, standing in front of someone who completely ignored her while being acutely aware of the eyes of her friends on her back. Should she leave? Would it be more awkward?

“Are you going to say something or just keep breathing down my neck like a weirdo?”

She could swear she heard some amusement in Jamie words and she let out a nervous chuckle.

“Can I sit with you?” she asked simply.

Jamie looked back at her, with a mixture of annoyance and curiosity before shrugging.

“I heard it was the country of the frees” she replied with a nod to the free chair next to hers.

Dani sat, smiling at her. She had moved in the States in middle school from England and she never lost her accent. It was the longest conversation they shared since knowing each other, if you counted going to same school for years as knowing each other. Granted, it was also their only conversation, but Dani actively choose to be optimistic in her life.

“I’m Dani, by the way” she said, trying to catch her eyes.

But Jamie stayed focus on her book and her curly brown hair hid most of her face. She didn’t reply and Dani resisted the need to bit back on her nails.

“I wanted to apologized, for this morning, in the bathroom. I didn’t mean to startle you or anything.”

That got her a reaction. Jamie looked up from her book with her brows frowned. Were her eyes blue or grey? Dani couldn’t say but she decided she liked them.

“You’re sorry?” Jamie repeated.

Dani nodded eagerly.

“I didn’t know you were there and I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Jamie searched her face for a moment, trying to see whether she was mocking her or being sincere. Dani let her, conveying her honesty through her eyes and waiting patiently for her to come to her conclusions. Finally, Jamie laughed, throwing her head back. The sound erased the last thread of nervousness in Dani and she let her smile grow bigger event though she didn’t get what was so funny.

“I’m the one being rude and you’re the one being sorry?” Jamie finally said, smirking at her incredulously.

Dani felt herself blush under her look but she kept her eyes in hers. There were no traces of the tears that she knew had spilled this morning. If she hadn’t seen them herself she could have been fooled. She was about to say something, anything really, to keep this conversation going, but Jamie was already putting away her book and shouldering her backpack.

“You’re a weird one, Dani” she said before leaving, disappearing in the crowd of students as the bell rang the end of lunch time.

Dani sat alone for a moment, her eyes fixed on the last point she saw Jamie, a tentative smile still plastered on her lips. Never before her name had been spoken that way. It was as if Jamie’s tongue painted a new word, composed a new song with the two small syllables. It felt good. It wasn’t enough, but it felt good for now. She resolved to try to talk to her again tomorrow for maybe they could be friends as she had thought. She stood when she saw Eddie approaching with her bag and coat.

“What were you doing with Taylor?” he asked, not even trying to hide his disdain.

“Nothing, I had to tell her something for a class she missed” Dani lied easily.

He didn’t ask for more and lead her to her next class with an arm around her shoulders, talking about what she missed at their table. It became so easy for her to lie to him, Dani wondered. Yes, I would love to go out with you; no, it doesn’t bother me to wait in the car; not tonight, I’m too tired; yes it was great. She still felt guilty and at the end of the day, all those lies, all the acting she had to put up, it was exhausting. But she was used to it and she didn’t want whatever might happen between Jamie and her to be tainted by Eddie. Jamie could be her friend, not Eddie’s for once. She let him kiss her cheek in front of her history class before entering. She had calculus tomorrow morning, she recalled. The only class she shared with Jamie this year, it was on Fridays and Tuesdays. It was their first period and though Jamie was usually late, their teacher was even more late. Opening her books, as the history lesson started, she made the promise to herself to reach out to her tomorrow. She could do it. She just had to thought of a list of topics to start with, not trusting herself to come with anything remotely interesting on the spot.

The rest of the day went by quietly, nothing worth noticing. Eddie brought her home, they made out for a moment in her room before she asked him to leave. She did homework, clean the house, cooked and eat quickly before returning to her room. At 8pm, she heard her mom stumbled into the house and the tv followed soon after. She hoped her mom would remember to eat something but didn’t dare to check on her yet. Thursdays were not good days for Karen Clayton, for whatever reasons, and Dani had learned her lessons. Her ears always tuned in in case her mother remembers her, she finished her homework, answered Eddie’s texts and went on with her nighttime routine. Only when she laid in bed did she let herself think of Jamie. Was she in bed too? Did she think of her too? She fell asleep with flashes of blue and grey amidst a green forest.

*******

The next morning, Dani was vibrating with energy. She got ready eagerly with her favorite jumper, the purple one, and brushed her hair in her usual ponytail. She packed her bag while humming some pop song stuck in her head and rushed downstairs to eat her breakfast and prepare her lunch. In her enthusiasm, she forgot to check whether her mother was still there and stopped short seeing her in the kitchen.

“Good morning, mom” she said carefully, trying to gauge her mood.

Her mother barely acknowledged her with a grunt and kept her eyes on her coffee as if it held the answers of the universe. Dani pressed her lips tight, took an apple on the kitchen counter and left quickly. She could always buy lunch at the cafeteria and breakfast wasn’t that important anyway. She wouldn’t let her ruin her mood. Friday was the only day where she got to take the bus as Eddie didn’t have class the first period and she always liked it. Each bit of freedom she could get was to be cherished. She arrived early but didn’t mind, choosing to get out of the bus before the high school to walk a bit. The air was crisp and she adjusted the collar of her coat to cover her neck. She had forgotten her scarf in her hurry to leave. She sighed and watched her breath dance in the air. Morning like this one always made the ached in her chest more painful. Her dad used to always tie her scarf and zip her coat before walking her to the bus. She sighed and chased her thoughts with a shake of her head. Today she would talk to Jamie and it would be good. She walked with more confidence to the school and passed by her locker before going to her class. She sat at her designated seat and took her phone out. She checked Instagram mindlessly, trying to settle her nerves as the class slowly filled with students. As the bell rang, Jamie hurried in, sitting behind Dani without gracing her with a look. Dani breathed deeply, biting her nails as she waited to see if their teacher woke up in time for once. Confident that he was going to be late as usual, she reviewed the list of topics she had thought of in the night and turned around. Jamie was deep into a book, a thin paperback well-read from the Classic Penguin. She cleared her throat and straightened a bit.

“Hi”

Well, that was worth the hour she spent preparing for this. Jamie looked up with a hint of annoyance that quickly left upon recognizing Dani. She didn’t say anything, just nodded at her with a curious smile before getting back to her book. She turned her page and Dani noted the dirt under her short nails. Again, she cleared her throat and passed a nervous hand in her hair.

“You’ve already finished Gatsby?” she asked, remembering the book she saw her read at lunch yesterday.

Jamie looked up again, this time surprised. She glanced around, taking note of the disinterest of the other students before nodding. Dani waited for her to add something and Jamie relented.

“Yes, it’s a quick read” she said simply.

“What did you think of it?” Dani asked, eager to engage in a conversation with the girl.

Jamie scrutinized her eyes again, reading her with as much ease as she read her books. Dan wondered what she saw in her, what she thought of her. She was always conscious of her behavior, trying to put the best of herself in the world while conforming to the idea of her that was expected.

“It was okay, but I’m not really a fan. Though I liked how it made me think of Sartre and his views on other people.”

“L’enfer c’est les autres” Dani quoted, thankful of her philosophy classes.

“You speak French?” Jamie wondered, a single thin brow raised with what she hoped was a nice surprise.

“Not really, just remembered this quote.”

“Well, yeah he said ‘’hell is other people’’ and had all this theory on how expectations and society forced us to be a certain way, no matter what we truly want to be and how at the end of the day we had to give life a meaning by ourselves. He also wrote that “the look of others changes me from a free subject to a dead subject and forces me to judge myself by others”. In Gatsby, everyone is trying to be someone else, to fit in all that is expected and shit. I don’t know, I feel like in the end, part of the real tragedy of the book is not that Gatsby died, but that he spent so long pretending he was someone else to gain the love of Daisy. A lot of efforts wasted, innit?”

Jamie laid back against the back of her chair and shrugged, looking a bit embarrassed. She clearly hadn’t meant to say so much but Dani was left speechless. Not only because Jamie could speak with ease and cleverness about Sartre and existentialism, but mostly because of the spark that shone in her eyes while she did so. It was always fascinating to listen to passionate people but Dani realized that it made Jamie looked different in a way. She no longer seemed small in too big clothes, quiet the contrary. She seemed not only in control but also really involved. It was a good look on her. Knowing she waited for an answer, Dani forced her mouth to form words.

“Sometimes, pretending is just easier, I think.”

Jamie looked at her with a single brow raised, silently asking her to develope.

“I mean… I guess expectations are there for a reason, and following them can be easier than taking the risk of… I don’t know, the risk of not being what you should be?”

Dani blushed, embarrassed by her clumsy answer. It didn’t make a lot of sense to herself so she feared what Jamie might think of it. Her eyes on her face, the intensity of her focus made her feel ultra-conscious of everything she had said and how it can be interpreted. Embarrassment was now mixing with anxiety and she started thinking of a way to get out of the conversation.

“I think it’s a risk worth taking,” Jamie said, startling her out of her thoughts, “if it allows you to be your true self”.

The look they shared made it clear they were no longer talking about Fitzgerald’s fiction and Dani felt at a loss for words. It felt too much, she felt too seen. Their teacher finally making his entrance gave her the perfect excuse to turn back without saying more. The lesson went by extremely slow, and Dani couldn’t shake the uneasiness that fell upon on her. And yet, there was this thrill still in her body that she couldn’t explained but knew was the result of Jamie, her attention, her intelligence, the spark in her eyes. It had felt good talking with her, listening to her thoughts. She resolved herself to engage one last time at the end of the class but the teacher called her to talk about her last essay and she saw Jamie left before she could do anything. She watched her figure retreat as the teacher congratulated her and was surprised to see the smile Jamie sent her way as she looked back to her once before leaving.

Dani bit her lips.

For a second conversation, it went pretty well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!  
> So, I wanted to write something on Jamie, some angst around her past, and I wanted Dani to be here for her. That's how this AU came to life and I'll be honest, I don't have a clue to where I'm going with it, so it's gonna be fun xD. I guess that I should also mention that I'm French and know nothing of american high school (like courses, grades, schedule), and have no bêta, so bear with me ^^'  
> Anyway, I'm writing this instead of working and hopefully it can entertain you for a bit. Btw, you can find me on Twitter @N0_words_N0 if you wanna talk more or say hi (why AO3 doesn't have a dm section is a mystery).  
> Take care of yourself and until next time, mates!


	2. Chapter 2

The weekends were always the most exhausting part of the week for Jamie. There were so much to be done and so little time to rest. Denny no longer pretended to care and stopped coming home a couple of years ago. As for her dad, well, it was complicated. He worked on the Saturday and went out with friends in the night, stumbling home usually before midnight. Sunday was his day off and he would spend it sleeping most of the morning while the afternoon was spent in front of the tv. He hated being bothered so Jamie had to thread carefully. It was something she had learned a long time ago, adults didn’t like to be bothered. She used to wonder why they bothered themselves by making children in the first place, but then she learned that kids could be mere accidents and it all started to make sense. Denny had been an accident, an unwelcome surprise for her parents, still too young to fully understand the cost of their carelessness. She had been an accident, though her birth was a lesser surprise, more of an inconvenience really. They had moved to the States when she was seven years old, in a futile try to mend the broken relationship between her parents. But there was no longer love between them, only resentment and disdain. She didn’t understand why they stuck around each other for so long when it was obviously hurting everyone. Dennis and Louise were no good for each other, and no good for the two kids they had found themselves stuck with. So her father threw himself into work, finding a job at a factory that kept him busy while her mom tried to reclaim her youth, attaching herself to every man bored enough or dumb enough to deal with her. People called her many things not worth repeating and it didn’t help the situation. She left more and more, until one day she came back at the beginning of Jamie’s Sophomor year, pregnant and desperate. She gave birth to Mickey and left a few months after. Couldn’t be bothered with another kid, not that she cared that much for the two first. From then, Jamie’s shitty life became messy, especially on the weekends. She had to take care of Mickey by herself while staying out of her father’s way.

Jamie hated the weekend. 

It wasn’t Mickey's fault. Loving him was one of the few things that made sense in her life and no matter how exhausting it was, she was glad to be here to take care of him. Did she wish she didn’t have to? Yes, obviously. But wishing never change the reality, so she soldiered on and did her best. On the week days, she had an arrangement with Martha, her neighbor. The woman had accepted to take care of her baby brother four day per week, as long as she kept going to school, it was the arrangement they made after _the_ accident. There was always a day were Jamie had to stay home for Martha was busy with her own life, doctor appointments, shopping days, visits to her family… It was really nice of her, she even prepared dinner for her at least once a week to help her more. Jamie just had to get Mickey ready in the morning, she dropped him at Martha, went to tend to the gardens at the manor, went to school, took him back after and went home. Juggling him, her studies and her work was a mess and without Martha she didn’t think she would bother with the school part. But Martha insisted, she had to do well in school or she would no longer take Mickey. Working with a two years-old was chaotic, but she did what needed to be done to never go below a C. Having her work at the manor was one of the few highlights of her life. She truly loved it. She had stumbled across gardening at the beginning of high school, it had been her punishment for breaking the nose of Peter Quint who had called her a whore one time too many. The headmaster, Hannah Grose, had thought that her energy would be better used in taking care of things so she had forced her to shadow their handyman for two months. After that, she had recommended her to the Wingrave’s gardener who was looking for an apprentice. She loved tending to the flowers, it was well-invested efforts. It calmed her mind and brought her a form of quietness that she seldom felt in her life. There was something comforting about taking care of a plant until it blossomed. It required rigor and gentleness, a lot of patience and a lot of attention. She felt useful and part of her liked the idea that she was giving a bit of beauty back to a world that had never stopped showing her ugliness. She tended to the gardens every Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, sometimes a bit more if needed. Between work, school and Mickey, her days felt endless. It was easier now that he slept through the night, only waking up a couple of time through the week. She got most thing done when he was asleep. But on weekend, she had to keep him occupied, fed and entertained for two whole days.

So yeah, Jamie hated weekends.

This weekend was no exception. Mickey had woken up around 3am with a fever hadn’t stop crying for two hours straight. As if the situation wasn’t stressful enough by itself, her father came to yell at her to remind her that he worked hard all day to put a roof over her head and some food in her plate, and he needed his rest. She had pressed Mickey hard against her chest, trying to shield her from her father’s anger. As if more screams were the solution.

So, to say her weekend had been hellish would be the euphemism of the month, but she managed, she always did. Mickey was always a bit clingy, needing to be in the same room as Jamie every minute of the day, but when he was sick he wouldn’t leave her arms. It made doing the chores around the house and her homework a bit challenging, but she managed. Mickey was a lovely kid, he didn’t really need a lot. He was content with watching her study and babbling to himself, or playing with his toys. The best part of their weekend was always the dance party they shared the Saturdays after his nap of the afternoon. That kid loved to dance and Jamie loved to indulge him. She didn’t like kids, she found them gross and loud, but Mickey was the exception. She loved everything about him, from his big brown eyes and chubby little legs to the way he called her “Jayjay” and drooled on her in his sleep.

When she gave him over to Martha on Monday morning after their usual hugs and promise to come back soon, she took the bus to the Manor and let her thoughts wandered. She had been so busy this weekend that she barely let herself think about anything. But now that she had the time, her mind took her back to Dani and the conversations they had. When they had met in the bathroom last Thursday, she could have died of embarrassment. She wasn’t one to cry a lot, or at least not in front of anybody. But she had been so done with the day that she had felt the need to let some tears out to ease her tension. It was an addition of small shits, really, nothing that by itself would have upset her but she was tired and life a mess. As lame as it was, she had gone to cry in the bathroom and didn’t spare a look at Dani when she left. She had been surprised and a bit suspicious when Dani had approached her at lunch. She had a bit of a reputation at school and people tend to avoid her or bully her. Dani was part of the ones that avoided her. As Jamie didn’t came to school to befriend anyone, it was fine with her. She had never really given her more than a random thought, noticing that she had a quiet beauty that fitted the gentleness of her behavior and that she deserved better than the boyfriend that attached himself to her hips at the beginning of their Freshman year. She had seen the smile plastered on her lips though she didn’t know what it tried to hide, it wasn’t her business. She wasn’t self-absorbed enough to think she was the only one to have it hard. Life was a mess for everyone. When they talked again Friday, her curiosity was high. Talking about books was something she really enjoyed but rarely got the occasion to do. Mickey always listened to her but his input was still limited. And it felt easy to talk to Dani, like she was truly listened to. She didn’t know what Dani was trying to do, but she decided to give her the benefit of doubt. For now, she focused on her work with efficiency.

Arriving at the school, her morning went by pretty quickly as she had an evaluation for her second period in history. Not her best subject but she felt she did okay. She had study it while Mickey was napping and then read it to him as an improvised bedtime story. She went to the cafeteria, brought herself a salad and went to sit at her usual place. She liked to see the few flowers they had around the school. She was reaching for her copy of _Ethan Frome_ in her bag when someone came to stood by her.

“Hi”

Jamie looked up to see Dani with a small smile on her face. It was different than the smile she usually wore, a bit more hesitant.

“Hey” she answered simply, unsure of what she wanted.

She had her bag on her shoulder and her coat draped over her arm. Jamie looked behind her and search for the group she usually hung with and found it at their table watching her with frowns. Edmund looked at her with obvious disgust and she couldn't help but wink at him, enjoying the anger that fell on his face.

“Can I sit with you?” Dani asked.

Jami brought her eyes back to Dani and shrugged.

“I guess, though your friends seem to want you back” she pointed out.

Dani sat without glancing at them, reaching for her packed lunch in her back with a bottle of water.

“They’ll survive” she said.

Her feign nonchalance made Jamie chuckled before she focused back on her book, not knowing what to say. Her people skills were a bit rusty, as she usually hung out with 2 years-old, his nanny and plants. She tried very hard to keep her eyes on her book, ignoring the eyes of Dani on her. She wanted to get this book back to Martha tonight.

“I'd have thought you'd have finished it by now.” Dani pointed out with curiosity.

“Excuse me?”

Jamie looked up to find Dani’s blue eyes on her. She had never seen bluest eyes before and it was distracting. A thin blonde lock of hair slid down her cheek and caught her attention.

“You were already reading it Friday morning and it’s pretty small.”

Jamie laid back against her chair and crossed her arms.

“Are you calling me a slow reader, Dani?”

Dani blushed and brushed her hair out of her face with a nervous hand.

“Not at all! I’m just saying that I thought… I mean, you read at your own pace, I just thought that you read quickly The Great Gatsby and…”

Jamie looked at Dani stumbling for words a moment before taking pity on her. She caught her hand on the table and squeezed it gently. Dani stopped talking at once.

“I’m just messing with ya” she said with a smile.

She dropped her hand and opened up her salad.

“I had a busy weekend, not a lot of time to read” she explained.

“Was it still good?” Dani asked before biting into her sandwich.

“Yeah” she replied with a soft smile, thinking back to her baby brother's clumsy dance moves and loving hugs.

They ate for a moment in silence, but she hadn’t look back to her book. It wasn’t that good anyway.

“And yours?”

Her words surprised them both and she quickly averted her eyes not to let Dani see her own embarrassment.

“It was pretty usual, I spent it at Eddie’s. We studied and watched Netflix.”

“Contain your happiness, Dani” Jamie laughed, glad to see Dani join her.

“It was nice” she insisted with a quick glance behind her shoulder. “Have you started our exercises for Calculus?”

Jamie groaned and Dani chuckled. It was a nice sound, light and spontaneous.

“Not yet and I probably won’t look at them. Fucking hate those numbers.”

“I can help you, if you want.” Dani offered earnestly. “It’s pretty easy once you get the trick.”

“That’s nice but I don’t think you could explain it to me in the” she checked her phone “25 minutes left before the end of lunch.”

Dani looked at her with mirth in her eyes and a smile hardly contained between her pressed lips.

“You wanna bet?”

And that was how Jamie found herself crouched over Dani’s book and notes, trying to get her brain to integrate derivatives and functions. Dani was patient with her and kept things interesting by engaging with her and going on with what she already knew. When the bell rang, Jamie felt confident she could manage the exercises on her own tonight.

“Well, Dani, I’m left speechless. I think my brain actually understood what you were talking about” she exclaimed while they put away their stuff.

“Glad you didn’t bet against me, aren’t you?”

Jamie heard the confidence in her words and felt her own smile grow.

“I wouldn’t dream of it” she replied with a wink, amused to see Dani blush.

Dani was about to respond when an arm dropped over her shoulders and she found herself pressed against Edmund’s side.

“You ready to go, Danielle?” he asked, pointedly ignoring Jamie.

She couldn’t have care less about this wanker if it wasn’t for the way Dani seemed to shrink into herself at his presence. Her smile lost its lightness and something in her eyes disappeared. Dani nodded and threw her a small smile.

“Bye, Jamie” she said quietly.

“See ya.”

And she watched her leave, tucked under the arm of boyfriend that started talking animatedly to her about something. She sighed and went to her next class with dragging feet. She didn’t like what she had just witness but she knew that her opinion on the matter had no importance so she forced herself to kick it out of her mind. She wasn’t about to interfere in other people mess, especially people she didn’t know. A small voice in her told her that it was only up to her to get to know Dani but she quieted it. Her life was busy enough as it was, she wasn’t about to complicate it like that. The rest of her day flowed easily and she hurried to pick up Mickey before going home. Her baby brother babbled all through bath time and dinner, having a hundred things to say that only made sense to him but Jamie gave him all her attention nonetheless. She read him a couple of pages from _Anne of Green Gables_ , his favorite bedtime story. She didn’t really know what he understood of the story and thought it was the long sentences and fancy words that pleased him. He easily fell asleep and she stayed by his side a moment before leaving his room, Denny former bedroom, and sat at her desk. It barely took her half an hour to do her calculus exercises and she couldn’t get Dani out of her head all along. She would have to thank her again tomorrow. They had the class at first period because life loved torturing Jamie. She quickly revised her notes for the rest of her classes before going to bed, still exhausted from her weekend. But as life loved to laugh at her, Mickey woke up screaming from a nightmare a little before midnight, her father came to her room to give her a piece of his mind about Mickey's upbringing and she spent the night with her little brother in bed, sleeping with one eye open after she had changed his diaper. As she laid on her back, on arm tucked under her pillow, the other rested on Mickey’s belly, she wondered what Dani’s homelife was like. She knew her dad died a couple of months after she arrived in the States, she remembered how the news had upset the whole grade for Dani’s father had seemed appreciated and well-loved by all. She hadn’t seen much of her mother, didn’t even knew if she had siblings. She realized how little she knew about her life in general and fell asleep with the faint wish to change that.

*******

She woke up to Mickey clumsily petting her hair and she indulged into a small tickles war before beginning their day. She was glad she didn’t have to stopped by the manor today for she was absolutely exhausted. As she brought Mickey to Martha’s, she envied the two naps that still punctuated his day.

“Be nice, little sprout, I’ll see ya after school” she told him as she hugged him one last time.

“Promise?”

She linked her pinky to his’ and winked at him, knowing it always made him laugh.

“Promise” she answered.

She took the bus to school, in which she dozed of and dragged her feet to class. She wondered why she even bothered to come, their teacher was always ten minutes late, but she changed her mind upon seeing Dani waving at her with a shy smile. If she wasn’t so tired she would have quieted the eagerness in her step that lead her to her seat. She threw her bag on her table and sat heavily on her chair.

“Hi” she greeted Dani. “I must thank you for your help yesterday, I’ve never done my exercises so quickly.”

“It was my pleasure” Dani assured with a smile. “Did you finish your book?”

Jamie bit back her surprised at her sincere inquiry and nodded. After she briefly presented the book to her, they fell into an easy discussion of books and movie that was only interrupted ten minutes later by the enthusiastic shout of a student:

“Mr. Herbert is absent!”

The whole class erupted into a small chaos as all the students cheered and started to leave the class. Jamie only rolled her eyes and groaned. She just wasted two hours of sleep. She put away her stuff and waited for Dani before leaving the class.

“Do you want to sit outside? The weather is rather nice” she proposed before her mind could remind her that she didn’t came to school to hang out with people.

“Yes, good idea” Dani accepted with a big smile that lighted her blue eyes.

They went to sat on a bench under some trees and went straight back to their conversation where it had been interrupted before. It was really easy to talk with Dani for Jamie felt truly listened to. Dani asked questions, laughed, shared her own anecdotes and random facts about herself. Like the time where she misspelled Shakespeare for an entire essay of six pages on Hamlet, or the time she arrived late to her physic class and fell right in front of her teacher in her hurry. Jamie listened, laughed and asked questions and time flew unacknowledged by either girl. Dani was telling her about the red fish she had when she was a kid when Jamie’s phone rang. Apologizing, she took it out of her pocket and checked the name on the screen. It was Martha. Dread made her shiver and she turned pale.

Martha never called her during the day.

Sometimes she would send her a few messages to let her know if she was going out with Mickey, but she never called her. Jamie picked up the phone with a shaky hand and held it to her ear. She didn’t even utter a world before the loud cries of Mickey were heard. Her heart missed a bit.

“Martha? What’s going? What’s happening to Mickey?” she asked in a rush, her mind imagining hundreds of scenarii.

He could have fell and break something. Was he bleeding? Was it a head wound? There could be so much blood. Was someone for the social service coming to take him from her? Was he crying out of fear? She swore she never heard him like that. A hand came to find the one she had brought without realizing to her heart and Jamie took a trembling breath. Dani squeezed her hand and the worry in her blue eyes gave her the strength to pull herself together. Mickey needed her.

“I’m sorry Martha, can you repeat?”

“His fever has risen suddenly and it's been impossible to calm him down since you brought him to me.” Martha’s voice was tensed but Jamie could appreciate her calm. “He hasn't eaten anything and I can't get him to drink a single drop. He has already vomited twice. I'm going to take him to the emergency room.”

“No!” Jamie exclaimed, standing on her feet at once. “You cannot take him there, they’re gonna take him from me!”

She had tears in her eyes and she felt her whole body tremble. She was feeling dizzy and the world dance clumsily in front of her but she couldn’t faint. Mickey needed her. It was the only thought that made sense in her head.

“Jamie, we have to do something.”

“I know!” she screamed at the phone, pacing anxiously in front of the bench.

Her mind was racing, the world was spinning and she had to do something.

“I’m coming, I’ll take care of him.” She declared. “I know I can, it’s gonna be alright. Tell him I’m coming please, I’ll be as fast as I can” she assured to Martha before hanging up.

She quickly reached for her bag but Dani, whom she had forgotten was still there, stopped her.

“I need to go, Dani, it’s an emergency” she said as she pushed past her to gather her stuff.

“I can help you, I can ask for…”

“I don’t have time, Dani, I must go right now” she interrupted her as she speed walked through the school, leaving Dani to hurry behind her. She was trying to remember the bus timetables, thinking it might be worth to just run back home.

“I have a car!” Dani exclaimed behind her and she stopped dead in her tracks.

“You do?” she asked, already thinking of the gain of time it could be for her.

Dani nodded vigorously and tapped a quick text on her phone before taking Jamie’s hand and leading her to the parking lot. They ran to the car and Jamie gave her the address in a rush. Tears were running freely on her cheeks now but she didn’t care. Her mind was filled with Mickey’s cries, her baby brother's pain, and she felt herself going mad. Was she doing the right thing? Should she have said to Martha to call 911? What if when she arrived she could do nothing? Wouldn’t he be better off without her anyway? Was she being selfish? A loud sob broke free from her lips and she brought her fist to her mouth to muffle the next one.

“Hey Jamie, it’s going to be alright” Dani assured softly, her hand briefly leaving the wheel to squeeze her knee. “We’re almost there and it’s going to be alright.”

“He’s just a baby” Jamie sobbed, dropping her face in her hands. “He’s my baby I can’t lose him.”

She didn’t dare to think whether losing him was euphemism for his death or him being taken by social services.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!  
> I had plan to update this story weekly, but I finished this chapter already and I'm running from responsibilities, so I thought I would at least give it to you, even though I posted chapter 1 less than 20h ago xD  
> With this part, we learn more about Jamie's life and I hope you're liking what I'm going with. I really love Jamie and I hope I can do it right by her. I also love the idea of a young Jamie trying to give the best childhood to her baby brother, so I'll include several scenes with cute Mickey.  
> Please, let me know what you think of this chapter ^^  
> Take care of yourself and until next time !


	3. Chapter 3

The day had started so well that when Jamie's phone rang and hell opened up beneath her feet, Dani thought she was in a nightmare. It all happened so fast: one moment they were laughing and getting to know each other for the first time, the next moment a child's tears broke her heart and she was afraid Jamie would faint. She didn't really understand all the issues, but what she understood was enough for her. Jamie had to get home as soon as possible. Without thinking about it, she had sent a message to Eddie to tell him that an emergency had come up and she was taking the car. Eddie had had it for his 16th birthday and was quick to give her a spare key in case of an emergency. He was immediately worried and offered to take her wherever she wanted to go but she refused. She would have to explain later but she wasn't in her right mind. She was driving according to the GPS on her phone, while dropping anxious glances at Jamie. She had calmed a bit now and stopped crying. Her eyes were starring resolutely to the road as her fists closed and opened randomly. Dani wondered what was going through her mind. She still heard her broken voice crying “He’s my baby I can’t lose him” and she had to contain her own tears at the pure anguish that laced the words. Did Jamie have a child? It could explain her regular absences but Dani found it hard to believe. She would have remarked if Jamie had been pregnant, wouldn’t she? Was she raising him by herself or was the father around? Her mind supplied her with the vision of a baby boy with messy curly hair and big blues eyes and her heart clenched.

“Park here” Jamie said in hoarse voice.

Dani had barely obeyed that Jamie was already out of the car, running to a house with a red door. She watched her disappeared inside and was left alone, her heart loud and her breath short. What was she to do now? She glanced at the passenger seat and saw Jamie’s bag still there. Surely, she couldn’t leave with her stuff. And yet she couldn’t just barge into her house just to drop her bag. She looked back to the red door as if it held her answers. Was the child alright? Did Jamie have someone to help her? She bit her nails. What if she left and Jamie needed her to take her somewhere else? She felt her phone vibrated in her pocket and checked it to see that Eddie was calling her. He probably was worried out of his mind. She owned him some explanations, or at least to ease his worries. She picked up the call.

“What the hell Danielle? Where the fuck are you?”

His anger made her stumbled for the right words.

“I’m sorry, I had to… there was an emergency and someone needed me to drop them home” she replied, eyes still glued to the red door.

Would Jamie ever get out? Should she just drop her bag at the door and leave? She could maybe knock and offer her help? She had done some babysitting, so she at least knew how to prepare a bottle and change a diaper. She imagined Jamie’s ashen face damped with tears as she hugged a fussy baby. Her anxiety climbed a bit more.

“Danielle, are you listening to me?!”

Eddie was angry and it made her shiver. She was looking for her words when the red door finally opened up again and Jamie got out. She had a bag on her shoulder and a child in her arms. More of a toddler than a baby, Dani noted.

“I have to go” she said in her phone before hanging up.

Reaching for Jamie’s bag she rushed out of the car as the girl passed by it without sparring her a glance. She could hear her whispering to the child in her arms who was no longer crying as strongly. She hesitated a second before walking to her.

“Jamie?” she called in a breath, not wanting to scare her or her child.

The girl looked up to her with fat tears hardly contained in her eyes and Dani couldn’t help but note how grey they seemed, like the sky on a cloudy day.

“Dani?” she answered, visibly confused.

She didn’t stop walking but didn’t push her away. A good start, Dani thought.

“Can I drive you home?” she proposed.

Jamie shook her head with a tired sighed.

“I live here” she said just as she stopped in front of a house with an old brownish door.

She tried to move her hand but the child in her arms let out a broken cry and she hugged him harder against her chest.

“It’s alright, little sprout, we’re home” she murmured in his hair.

Brown curls, just as Dani had thought.

“Are your keys in your bag?” Dani asked, showing her the bag she was holding firmly in her hand.

Jamie seemed confused for a second as she checked over her shoulder for her own bag before remembering she had left it behind in her hurry. She nodded with a new sigh.

“The front pocket” she indicated.

Dani easily found the keys and rushed to open the door for her.

“Thanks” Jamie said with a tentative smile as she entered her house. “Just drop my bag inside, it’s fine.”

Dani did as she was told, her eyes never leaving Jamie’s.

“Do you want me to stay? Can I help you?”

She sounded a bit desperate, she knew, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t bear the idea of leaving Jamie alone in her state, exhausted and scared. She longed to hug her and take into her chest all of her pain. She already missed her easy laughter and smug smiles. But Jamie was shaking her head, refusing the offered help.

“It’s fine, you’ve already done more than I could ever repaid you for.” She hushed the child in her arms with a kiss to his brow. “I’m really thankful, Dani.” She added.

“You owe me nothing, I’m glad I could help you.”

They looked in each other eyes for a couple of seconds and time seemed to stop. She wanted to say so much more but words failed her so she let her eyes do the talking and hoped Jamie could hear them. Jamie was the first to break the look as she adjusted the child in her arms who was starting to get fussy again.

“I should really go. Thanks, Dani, thank you so much” she said one more time before closing the door.

Dani was left on the porch and it took her a moment to compose herself. By the time she arrived back at school, she had missed her morning classes and went straight to the cafeteria. She barely had time to localized her usual table that Eddie came to her, griped her to the shoulders and lead her back to the hallways.

“Where were you Danielle? Why did you hang up on me?”

So, he was still angry, Dani noted grimly. She hated when he called her Danielle, it always came across as condescending, as is she was a child in need of a good scolding. He was much taller than her and she had to lift her head to look at him into his eyes. Hs glasses had slip on his nose but he didn’t make a move to place them back, still firmly gripping her. It didn’t hurt, it was merely uncomfortable but nothing truly bothering.

“Calculus was canceled and we were talking outside when…”

“Who?” he cut her sharply.

“Jamie and I, it’s the only class we share” she explained patiently.

“And since when are you hanging out with Taylor? You know she punched Peter”

She shrugged and Eddie finally released her at the gesture.

“It was long ago and Peter was being a jerk to her. Anyway,” she went on before Eddie could speak,” we were just talking when she had an emergency call, she was needed back home. I thought that giving her a lift would be quicker than her waiting for a bus.”

She consciously left out the freak out part and the baby part, it was none of his business. It wasn’t even hers and she felt like she had intruded on Jamie by witnessing the call. But she couldn’t regret it, not when it had permitted her to help her. She wanted to know everything there was to know about Jamie, so she welcomed this new side of the girl, caring and worried for her baby. She still wasn’t fully convinced it was her child, but it didn’t really matter. Now that she had explained herself, Eddie’s anger dissipated, he had only wanted explanations, she understood the worries she had put him through.

“You’re just too nice for your own good, Danielle” he declared with a smile before kissing her.

She wasn’t fond of such PDA at school but she indulged him for this time. She kissed him back and linked her arms around his neck as his circled her waist and brought her body closer to his. She still didn’t understand what was the fuss around kissing, she thought as Eddie tried to put his tongue in her mouth. Like hugs and cuddles, she got it, it was sweet and comforting. But kisses? Not that exciting and a bit gross if you asked her. Especially when Eddie tried to conquer her mouth with his wide tongue and warm saliva. She broke the kiss with a small smile and resisted the urge to wipe her mouth on her sleeve.

“Not at school” she reminded him.

He only chuckled and rolled her eyes at her, pecking her lips one more time before leading her back into the cafeteria, his arm around her shoulders keeping her close. 

“Well, will you at least come to mine tonight? Mom wants to see you and maybe we could hang out in my room.” He proposed with a raised eyebrow and a confident smile.

She had to hold her breath for a second to contain the sigh that threatened to pass her lips. She didn’t feel in the mood the “hang out in his room”, they already did that this weekend and she didn’t care for an encore. But it was always nice to see Judy, his mother, and it was a great way to escape her own mom.

“It’s a week day, Eddie, I can stay until after dinner if you want” she compromised with a contrite smile.

Eddie rolled his eyes once more but didn’t add anything, pushing her into her chair and catching her up with everything she had missed. She watched him talk to her without even looking at her, engrossed in his own voice, exchanging jokes with Peter who sat in front of them. Dani felt cold and hugged herself with a sigh. She was exhausted and longed to go home but the idea to be stuck at Eddie’s for the most part of the evening brought tears to her eyes that she struggled to contain. She thought of Jamie alone, with her fussy toddler and hope she was doing fine. She didn’t even have her number to text her and ask her how she was doing. She never saw her on social media either.

“You’re alright Dani?” Rebecca asked from her seat on her left.

Dani shrugged and refused to meet her eyes. Her friend brought a comforting hand to her shoulder.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

She nodded and squeezed her hand with gratefulness. Her relationship with Rebecca had been weird at first, being introduce to each other through their respective boyfriend, Dani had quickly warmed up to Rebecca after getting to know her outside of the oppressive shadow of Peter. She had thought that maybe they were alike, maybe they were both lost in a relationship bigger than themselves but she soon realized that Rebecca were really in love with Peter, in a way that she understood she could never love Eddie. It was Rebecca that taught her that men were always a bit possessive, that it was their way of showing love. It was Rebecca that taught her that bringing up her period was a good way to have Eddie leave her alone when he was getting handy. It was also her that encouraged her to have sex with him for it would bring them closer and she might even like it. Spoilers, she didn’t, though it did bring them closer. So close now that Eddie kept asking for an encore and it was becoming harder and harder to deny him. When she had told Rebecca about it, her friend suggested that she tried getting to know herself better, to discover by herself what she liked in bed before discussing it with Eddie. And she had tried several times and when she concluded that she never thought of Eddie when she gave herself pleasure, shame filled her and she stopped. Dani didn’t need any divination powers to predict that a conversation with Eddie where she told him “sorry, I’m only getting excited when I think of girls, and by the way, I don't like kissing you” would not end well. She kind of always knew she was gay, or that at least, she preferred girls over boys. But Eddie came around and glued himself to her, her mom disappeared un the bottle and Eddie’s mom welcomed her in her house. Being gay didn’t fit in all that. So, she closed her mouth, thanked Rebecca and soldiered on. She convinced herself it would be easier later, when she left for college. For now, it wasn’t important.

Lunch ended before she realized it and she followed Eddie to their shared classes. She held his hand, took notes, answered questions and went on with her day in a disconnected manner. Part of her was still waiting in front of the brownish door behind which Jamie disappeared.

Eddie drove her to his house and they went straight to his room. They worked for a moment on his bed and it felt like old times. Like when they were children and they would run to his bedroom to do puzzles and have dance party by themselves. Like when they would watch silly movies on his computer spread over his bed, snuggled into each other for warmth, and it didn’t lead anywhere, didn’t meant anything more. Now, after homework were done, Eddie pressed himself against her and pushed his tongue into her mouth. Now, Eddie rolled on top of her and let his hand slip under her jumper to squeeze her breast. Danni would kissed back, Dani would moan and trace his body with her own hands. She would call his name and bit his shoulder. Rebecca told her men liked that and it proved true. They made out until Judy called them to dinner and back to the good old time they went. Dani truly loved Judy. She was a generous and warm woman, always eager to know about her day and prepare her favorite meals. Dinner was full of laughter and easy conversations. Dani always left her table feeling filled with motherly love that helped her forget that her mom had give up on pretending to give that to her. Eddie walked her home, kissed her in front of her door and left with the promise of tomorrow and forever, as he always did. Dani went to take a long and warm shower before dropping on her bed and then she cried. She hadn’t realized how hard she had struggled to keep her tears at lunch, but now that she was finally alone, she let them ran free. She cried for Jamie, she cried for herself. She cried herself to sleep and yet didn’t feel rest when morning came.

Morning always came too soon.

Her mother was nowhere to be seen and she took a nice breakfast while reading an old copy of _The Great Gatsby_ that she had found in her father stuffs. Her mom had boxed all his belongings a long time ago, but she never threw them away. Instead, she had store them in the attic and ignored them. It was her signature move, ignoring anything that bothered her or held the power to upset her. She ignored Dani the same way. Dani has gotten into the habit of going over the boxes when she missed her dad, she liked to remind herself of what he liked, he didn’t seem so gone that way. When Jamie had told her about her interpretation of _Gatsby_ , she recalled having seen it among her dad’s stuff and went straight to get it. She was still reading it when she heard Eddie calling for her outside. She packed the book in her bag and went to him to start her day. She had hoped to see Jamie in the hallways or at lunch but she was nowhere to be seen. It made sense, really, she was probably still taking care of her little boy. But it still saddened Dani who was left in a fool mood all day. Eddie didn’t miss the opportunity to point it out to her and laughed when Peter suggested her to smile more. Rebecca tried to get her to talk, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t explain her worry without discussing Jamie’s private life, and she felt like Jamie wouldn’t want anyone to know about it. There was also a part of her that didn’t want to share her with anyone. She liked that Jamie was a part of her life that was fully hers, without any link to Eddie. She had felt more at ease with her than she felt with Eddie the last couple of years and it scared her almost as much as it thrilled her. She longed for more.

By the time the bell rang her last period, she had taken her decision. She told Eddie she had a couple of errands to run for her mom and felt better doing them on her own. She had waited for him to be with Peter, knowing he wouldn’t press her then. Eddie gravitated around Peter like a moth towards the light and she knew Peter would offer to hang out while she went about her " good girl" duties.

She still had Jamie’s address memorized into her phone so she planned an itinerary with the bus and soon enough she found herself in front of the brownish door that hadn’t left her mind since the day before. Her hands were sweaty and she felt the nervousness pulsed inside. What would she say? Would Jamie laugh at her? She had never been one to act impulsively, quite the contrary. She thought through every decision, took the time to mull them over and predict the outcome of her actions to evaluate if it was worth it. That's how she decided that dating Eddie was the right choice, with the pros trumping the cons. But as she stood in front of the door, she realized she hadn’t thought things through at all. She just couldn’t stand not to see Jamie any longer. With a big breath, she knocked twice on the door. She waited, counting her heartbeat and imploring it to slow down. Should she knock again? There was a bell but she didn’t want to take the risk to ring it lest she woke up the little boy or startled Jamie. She was about to gave up and leave when the door opened up and reveled a pale, tired and confused Jamie.

“Dani? What are you doing here?”

Dani cleared her throat and forced her thoughts to focus, she couldn’t just stare at Jamie like a fool.

“I don’t mean to bother you, I just… I was… around and thought I would see how you were doing” she tried to explain, embarrassed by her own clumsiness.

Jamie looked at her with her raised brow and a growing smile on her pink lips.

“You’re a weird one, Dani” she said finally, amusement evident in her voice but no malice.

Dani let out a relieved chuckle and smiled brightly at her.

“So, how are you doing?” she asked, feeling more at ease now that Jamie had smiled at her.

The girl looked hesitant as she glanced behind her shoulder. Dani could see her thinking and decided to give her time. She didn’t want to intrude and would be content with whatever proposed Jamie, whether she invited her in or just replied to her before closing the door. She had merely wanted to see her face with her own two eyes.

“Wanna come in a moment? Since you’re around” Jamie finally proposed with a small smirk.

Dani had to bit her lips to stop her smile to spilt her face in half.

“Yeah, sure. Thanks”, she replied, trying and failing to play it cool.

Jamie moved to let her in before closing behind her. She offered to take her coat and Dani removed it while glancing curiously around. It was smaller than she thought and the first word to come to her mind was “empty”. The walls were bared, the furniture dull and the whole felt lifeless.

“Pretty shitty, innit?” Jamie laughed as she caught Dani looking at her house.

Dan felt herself blush from shame, she hadn’t meant to be judgy. She was about to apologized when Jamie playfully nudge her shoulders with hers.

“Don’t really spend much time downstairs if I can avoid it” she said with a shrug. “Want a cuppa?”

Dani accepted easily though she didn’t know to what. She followed Jamie in her kitchen and sat as she prepared what Dani finally recognized as tea. Jamie leaned against the counter as she waited for the water to boil and Dani let her eyes drift along her silhouette. She looked different at home. She was wearing some faded jean with tears on the knee and a vintage tee-shirt with someone Dani didn’t recognized on it. Her hair was in its usual mess of curls around her face. She couldn’t pin point what was different, but it was there. The silence between them didn’t felt heavy and Dani let it be, content to just watch Jamie move. She reached for two mugs, filled them with hot tea, added a dash of milk and sugar before she handed one to Dani.

“It’s alright if we go to my room?” she asked looking a bit hesitant.

Dani’s mind flashed to the precedent evening and the way Eddie had led her to his room and she nodded easily to Jamie. He had stop asking her a long time ago. They climbed the stairs and entered a small hallway lighted by an even smaller window. Out of the four doors, Jamie walked to the farthest one and opened it, letting Dani go in first. Hadn’t she walk in there herself, Dani would have thought it was a completely different house. She was first struck by the light, then the green. Everywhere, plants seemed to burst into the space. They were on every surface: the desk, the commode, the bookshelves, even the nightstand. It felt like life exploded in here and the chaotic result left her breathless. She also noted the few posters on the wall along with some polaroid in front of her desk that she couldn’t clearly see. Jamie cleared her throat and when Dani turned to her she found her watching her with a raised brow behind her mug, waiting on her verdict.

“You have a green thumb then?” Dani commented and Jamie laughed again.

She liked her laugh, it was honest and unrestrained. She sat on the edge of the bed and watched Jamie gravitated towards the window, leaning against it.

“You could say that. Plants are easier than people.” She answered with a pointed look at Dani that made her hide behind her own mug. She tried her tea but it was still burning hot and she looked incredulously at Jamie as she gulped hers.

“So, you were around you said”, Jamie repeated, a clear invitation for Dani to explain herself.

Dani shifted a bit on the bed, careful not to spill her drink on the green duvet.

“To be honest, I was worried”, she admitted easily. It was surprisingly easy to state the true here, with Jamie. “I wanted to make sure you were doing fine.”

She adverted her eyes when she noticed Jamie’s surprise and focused instead on the poster near the desk. It seemed to be a replica of a page from an old encyclopedia. It listed the different types of ferns.

“It’s kind of you”, Jamie finally said and Dani looked back to her. “I’m fine, just a tad tired. Mickey’s better though, so it’s all good.”

“What did he had?”

“Dunno, some kind of fever and stomach bug? It made it hard to make him eat, but once I managed to hydrate him, it was easier. Some Tylenol, many naps under slight damp and cold clothes, bit of soup here and there and he’s good as new.”

Jamie said it all with nonchalance that Dani knew was feigned. She had seen the fear in her eyes and heard the despair in her sobs. She couldn’t start to imagine how stressful it must have been for her, moreover it seemed she had to do it all on her own.

“I’m glad. He seemed like a cute kid”, she said softly.

“When he’s not screaming his head off, he’s okay I reckon” she chuckled and Dani saw the love in her face, it warmed her heart. “How was school?”

They easily fell back into the comfort of the previous day and seemed to pick up the conversation right where they had left it. Dani finally told her about her redfish and Jamie had tears in her eyes when she shared that she had feared he would drown in his big tank. Jamie in return told her about the time she fell in nettles while tending to a bush of daisies and was shocked when Danni confessed to the murder of Linda, her succulent. It was easy and comforting. Dani didn’t have to think too much and could let her mind speak freely. She loved that Jamie shared bits of her life with her, no matter how small and silly. And Jamie listened to her as if every word out of her mouth were of the utmost importance, she let her time to say it all, not once pressing her to be brief. It felt nice, sitting on her bed and laughing with her. No expectation, no pretend, just them in the here and now. It felt safe.

Jamie was offering a refill for their tea when faint cries were heard. She promptly stood from her spot on the bed and excused herself. Dani took the opportunity to look at her phone and answered Eddie texts. He wanted to pass by her house tonight but she refused, saying she was too tired. Which was partly true after all, she didn’t sleep well last night. She was mindlessly scrolling on Instagram when she heard Jamie’s voice in the hallway.

“Wanna say hi to her, little sprout? You have to be nice, alright?”

A small giggle was the response and Jamie entered the room with the little boy tucked against her chest. He was sucking on his thumb and his big brown eyes focused on her. Not blue, but a deep brown that she found adorable.

“Mickey, here’s Dani. Dani, my baby brother, Mickey”, Jamie introduced a bit awkwardly.

“Dana!” Mickey repeated enthusiastically around his thumb and Jamie rolled her eyes.

“No, sprout. Da-ni” she tried again.

The little boy looked at her, then at Dani and back again.

“Jayjay!” he exclaimed, making them both laughed.

Pleased to have their attention, he started babbling in his own language, doodling his little head around. Dani watched them for a minute, taking note of Jamie’s smile and the way she steadily held him in spite of his agitation.

“I’m gonna leave you two” Dani said with a smile and Jamie nodded.

“You’re right, run when you still can” she joked with a wink.

She carried both their mugs downstairs and placed them in the kitchen as Jamie followed her with her little brother in her arms. He had stopped talking and seemed quite comfortable there, a hand attached to Jamie’s tee-shirt, his head tucked on her shoulder. He watched her curiously as she put her coat back on and she made a funny face that made him laugh and hide further in Jamie. She opened herself the door and faced Jamie.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” she asked, feeling brave.

Jamie hesitated, looking back at her brother and then her before nodding.

“I think, yes.”

“We could eat lunch together? If you want” Dani proposed, impressed by herself.

“I reckon that’s doable” she said with a smile. “See ya tomorrow, Dani.”

“Tomorrow”, Dani confirmed.

“Morrow” Mickey repeated around his thumb.

Dani smiled fondly at him and left to catch the bus. She felt lighter and relieved. Jamie was fine, her little brother was better. They were now friends and they were going to eat lunch together tomorrow. Was she not in a public transportation she would have been tempted to do her happy dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!  
> Third day, third updates, I can't believe it but won't question it xD This chapter is a bit longer for I had a specific scene in mind but I kept adding things between Dani and Eddie. I'm trying to show their relationship and why Dani's still with him in spite of what she truly feel. Let me know what you thought of that. This chapter was fun to write and I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Take care of yourself and until next time!


	4. Chapter 4

Jamie wasn’t in the habit to share much about her private life, it was, after all, her _private_ life. She wasn’t broadcasting it on social media and didn’t feel incline to share it with strangers or mere acquaintances. Because of that, she had to conclude that Dani and her were no longer strangers or acquaintances. Monday was a blur in her mind, filled with tears and cries, prays and fears. She had seldom feel so scared in her life, it made her recall the last time she thought she would lost Mickey, and the longer she could go without thinking back to that day, the better it was. It wasn’t until 10pm, when she was dozing off on the armchair in Mickey’s room, having finally settled him for the night that her mind allowed itself to go back to that morning, before all hell broke. Talking with Dani had been nice and familiar, as if they had spent thousands of lives talking and was only now remembering it. She could easily get lost in the intonation of her voice and the light of her laugh. When she had opened her door to find her there, standing in her purple coat nervously biting her nails, she had felt washed by a wave of peace and the weight of the day had seemed easier to carry. She had come to her, she had worried about her, she had wanted to help. It was almost overwhelming, but in the good sense. She had invited her in, of course she had. At that time, she had realized she would take every occasion offered to her to spend any amount of time in her company. She hadn’t tried to hid Mickey, there was no point really, not after Monday, but she was usually more reserved about him. She never liked how people tend to parade with their child and present them to the world to admire. Mickey wasn’t her propriety to show off, he was her baby brother and she had made the promise at his birth to shield him as best as she could from the world. She didn’t always succeed, it wasn’t always easy, but she would be damned before she stopped trying. So, when he had woken up from his nap and she had gone to fetch him, she had surprised herself by wanting to introduce him to Dani. She has never been ashamed of him, and people’s opinion angered her, yes, but she could face them head on. However, she didn’t want to put her brother in this position if she could avoid it. Yet she knew it was safe with Dani, not once her mind doubted it. She also hadn’t felt strong enough to leave Mickey alone when he had just woken up, he always like some cuddles before being put down. So, she had brought him back to her bedroom and introduced him to Dani. For she supposed they were friends now.

*******

As every Wednesday, she had to go work on the gardens of the Manor that day, and she felt awful as she left Mickey behind to Martha. He was better, not a hint of fever since Tuesday's morning, his appetite was back and his cheerful mood too. But she had hugged him a bit longer, kissed him a bit harder that morning. It was Martha that insisted she needed to go to work. Not only did she needed the money, but it always helped clear her mind. And as she had her hands deep into the soil, feeling for the roots of some plant, she could tell she felt a bit more at ease. The last thing she wanted was to let her fear keep Mickey from his routine and upset him.

She liked her boring yet busy life, and she liked that for him. Boring didn’t get half of the hype it deserved. Boring meant safety and stability. She watered the newly planted bush and looked at her work. Satisfied that everything was looking good, she said her goodbye to the plants and went to washed her hands. She never spent half the time she ought to remove the dirt from her nails lest she missed her bus and arrived late to school. Director Hannah Grose, knowing all about her situation, had talked with her teachers and they always accepted her in their classes, but she tried to at least make the effort to arrive on time. She was always in a hurry but it kept her fit, she thought with a smile. Today, she wore one of her fellow dungarees with one of Denny’s old flannel and her well-loved converses. She needed to buy a new pair soon but wanted to keep her money to buy some stuff for Mickey. He needed new clothes -always growing like weeds this kid- and also a new stuff animal. Her father paid bills and always left her money for groceries and all, but it was always just the bare minimum. It was enough to buy basic stuffs but she wanted more than basics for Mickey. He deserved clothes that fitted and nice toys. She did her best for him.

She managed to catch her bus and tried to doze off but her mind wouldn’t shut up. She kept thinking of Dani. Dani rushing to her car to help her. Dani standing at her doorstep with worry in her eyes. Dani laughing behind her blonde hair in her room. Dani making silly face to Mickey. How could she invade so much of her thoughts when they had just met? She sighed and passed a frustrate hand in her hair. Dani was just a pretty girl from school that she was about to have lunch with. She might even be a bit too pretty, and she definitely had a boyfriend. And she was friend with Peter fucking Quint, or at least they were in the same circle. A circle in which Jamie certainly didn’t fit, and she didn’t want to fit with them. She was fine on her own, always had been. Friendship was a lot of efforts, dating was even worst -not that she had thought of dating Dani. She had tried it at first, after Mickey. Went out with a couple of girls, made out, hooked up, but it was always more trouble than it was worth. At the end, it was easier to keep to herself. It was better for Mickey too, he didn’t need all that drama to touch him. She was fine by herself, with just him and her plants. Sometimes, Hannah invited her for tea at her house and that was fine too. She could always bring Mickey and she liked her husband, Owen. The two of them were fine, it was enough social interactions for Jamie. Yet, here she was, longing for that damn lunch with Dani, having to remind herself that not only did she not do the all dating thing, but Dani had a bloody boyfriend. She got out of the bus and dragged her feet to her class. It shouldn’t be so hard. She didn’t have energy to waste in school drama.

She forced herself to focus on her teacher, whatever she managed to learn in class represented less time on her homework and more time to give Mickey. So, she had to focus. She got through her morning classes as best as she could and kept herself from leaping out of her seat when lunch break came. She packed her books slowly and walked calmly to the cafeteria. She had packed her lunch, so she bypassed the line and went straight to her table. No sign of Dani yet. Not that she waited for her or anything. For what she knew, Dani wouldn’t even come. She might have just proposed to be polite or whatever.

“Hi”

Jamie looked up in rush and found Dani standing beside her, her bag on her shoulder and a light smile on her lips. She didn’t wait for Jamie to invite her this time, and immediately sat next to her.

“How’s Mickey?” she asked as she was getting her own lunch out of her bag.

Jamie had to clear her throat to and avert her eyes to get a grip. She couldn't just stare at her like a fool.

“He’s fine, thanks.”

“I’m glad” Dani said with one of her big smile, full of kindness and honesty. “I’ve been reading _The Great Gatsby_ and you’re right, I’m not really into it either”, she declared with a nonchalant shrug.

Part of Jamie wanted to ask her if she had picked this specific book after their discussion of it, if she had chosen it because of her. Instead she asked her where she was in the story.

“I’m still in the first few chapters but Tom, Daisy’s husband, is really getting on my nerves with his jerk face and racist remarks.”

Jamie nodded with a thoughtful sigh.

“I think he’s written for the reader to despise him. He’s very arrogant and has very little moral values, extremely racist of course, and even abusive with Daisy” she said, trying to remember specific passages.

“So, you think him being racist is part of his portrayal as a jerk?”

“Partly, I guess.”

Dani searched her bag and took out her book, flipping through the pages were post-it stuck out.

“I’m not really sure, because he’s not the only one having such thoughts.” She pointed out. “Here for example, “A limousine passed us, driven by a white chauffeur, in which say three modish Negroes” Nick reflects on this by thinking “anything can happen now that we’re over this bridge. “ She put her book down pushed back a lock of blond hair that had fallen out of her ponytail. “Doesn’t his surprise at seeing rich black men being driven by a white chauffeur kind of suggests he has some internalized racism?”

Jamie took the time to think about it. She enjoyed Dani’s mind, the cleverness of her thought and her real curiosity. It truly seemed as if she liked debating not to assert her own opinion but to learn from others and using their point of view to nourish her. They could talk about anything and everything, from childhood memories, to silly anecdote to deeper subjects and it always felt nice and safe.

“I guess, yeah. After all, the nineteenth century was still openly and heavily racist so it might not have been a real intention from the author to make Nick racist, but just a reflect of the society? Like we’re meant to like Nick and to identify to him as he’s discovering the world of the riches and all. I don’t think racism in him has the same purpose as with Tom. Not that it’s excusable or anything, but the author, living in the nineteenth century, might have thought of it as harmless, contrary to the aggressive words of Tom.”

Dani watched her with intent and focus, as of she was trying to read her thought through her eyes. It was a bit unsettling, but Jamie did not look away.

“It’s kind of hard to settle for we don’t know for sure what the author thought. It’s always the problem with our classics. Most of them are written by white dudes, so there’s always something problematic in them that’s being excused by their time. Though it’s not an excuse at all, it’s just a simple way to keep their books as our references.” Dani mused with a frown.

“Kinda a messed-up system, innit? Not only do we need more own voices in our classics, we also need to have their input on the classics that we already have, to stop glossing over the fact that they’re filled with racist, homophobic and general bullshit discourses.” Jamie stated decisively.

Dani was about to reply when a loud voice interrupted her.

“Danielle!”

Jamie saw Edmund approaching and masked her annoyance. She didn’t like this bloke. His loud voice startled Dani and Jamie saw her shrink on herself. She closed her book and sat straighter. Edmund dropped a possessive arm around her shoulders and pecked her lips. Jamie averted her eyes.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked while pulling a chair and sitting next to Dani.

“It’s a free country, mate” Jamie answered with the faintest hint of disdain that she didn’t managed to conceal.

He didn’t notice as he picked up Dani’s book.

“You’ve got an English assignment together? I didn’t know you shared that class” he commented with a pointed look at Dani.

She shook her head and took her book bag to put it in her bag.

“We don’t, we’re just talking, Eddie.”

Her voice was patient and a polite smile graced her lips but Jamie wasn’t fooled. Dani was annoyed by his intrusion just as she was herself. She looked at them, barely listening to whatever Edmund was talking about and tried to understand what Dani might see in him. She might be a lesbian, but she still had eyes and sometimes found men attractive, but Edmund? He was pretty plain, if you asked her. Maybe it was the glasses that kept sliding down his nose or his slightly round face that made him look like a grown-up child. Maybe he had a nice personality that Jamie had yet to see. She watched how he kept talking over Dani and how Dani just nodded with a smile that didn’t reached her eyes and she remembered what she had told her about pretending. How it was supposed to be easier. It didn’t seem easy, just exhausting. With a sigh, she packed up her things and stood.

“I’m gonna go”, she declared while shouldering her bag.

“Already? Lunch is not over yet”, Dani said as she freed herself from her boyfriend’s arm to stand up too.

Jamie tried to ignore the disappointment in her eyes, projecting her own feelings on the girl wouldn’t lead her anywhere.

“Yeah, ‘ve got stuff to do.”

Which wasn’t a lie. She had thought of calling Martha to catch Mickey before his afternoon nap.

“Alright. See you tomorrow?” Dani asked eagerly.

Behind her, Edmund eyed her with his usual contempt and Jami clenched her fists. She wanted to say yes just to annoy him but was it worth it? She liked Dani, she truly did, but she didn’t need her possessive boyfriend to loom over her.

“See ya around” she finally said.

No promise, no commitment. They shared Calculus on Friday, they could talk then. But Dani’s face seemed upset so she softened her rejection with a playful wink that made the girl chuckle before making her exit. She allowed herself a moment to settle her buzzing thoughts before calling Martha.

*******

They didn’t saw each other on Thursday. Jamie had skipped lunch to study, choosing to do so outside in the small green space that her school had. Director Hannah Grose found her there.

“Good morning, Jamie”, she saluted her formally as she always did on school’s grounds, “shouldn’t you be at lunch?”

Jamie put her pen down and stretch a bit.

“I’m catching up on some stuff, I’m a bit behind in my work” she admitted easily and Hannah nodded with understanding.

She knew Hannah wouldn’t judge her and always encouraged her to be honest with her. Checking to make sure they were alone, Hannah sat beside her with a natural elegance that kept on impressing Jamie. The woman was always put together in classy clothes without being intimidating or coming across as condescending. There was something warm and welcoming in her eyes that immediately made Jamie feel safe.

“I was about to invite you over for tea this weekend, Owen’s been asking for you.”

Jamie rolled her eyes.

“’S got new puns to share?”

Hannah laughed softly and even her laughter managed to be elegant.

“You know him, he has been practicing for you. So, what do you think?”

Jamie took the time to think about it. She had to catch up her missed classes and homework and she also needed to go out on Saturday for some shopping with Mickey. She had work on Friday morning. It was doable if she studied on lunch time Friday and Saturday morning.

“I’m in”, she answered with a smile, “could be nice for Mickey and I to get out a bit.”

“How is he doing? I’ve been meaning to ask since you skipped school both Monday and Tuesday.”

Jamie sighed and passed a trembling hand in her hair. Thinking about that day still scared her so much. She could still hear his cries and feel is burning skin under her palms.

“It’s all fine now but… He was ill… it was bad, Hannah.” She confessed in a breath. “He cried so much and I didn’t know what to do. Then dad came home, start yelling on us, on him. I swear I fucking hate him sometimes.”

She sniffled and closed her eyes when Hannah hugged her from the side, allowing the girl to rest her head on her shoulder. Jamie didn’t know much about maternal embraces but she was sure Hannah gave the best.

“I’ll excuse your language for this time” she said, getting a watery laugh from the young girl in her arm, “and remind you that you always do the best for Mickey. He’s lucky to have you, darling.”

“I’m lucky to have him” Jamie immediately replied.

They stayed silent for a moment before Jamie straightened, never one to let the feelings drag on too long.

“Sunday is fine for you?” she asked as she wiped the treacherous tears that had escaped her eye.

“It’s perfect, Owen will be delighted to see you and Mickey. I’ve missed him too.”

She had such a found look in her eyes, Jamie couldn’t doubt the affection she held for him. It warmed her heart knowing Mickey had such loving people around him.

“He really loves ya guys” she assured and Hannah smile grew.

“I know, darling. We’re lucky to have him too.”

She stood and wiped invisible dust from her perfectly ironed skirt.

“See you Sunday afternoon, then. Come whenever you’re ready, darling.”

She left with a soft smile and Jamie returned to her studies. Somehow, knowing her weekend was going to be busy and would enable her to leave her house was a good motivation.

***

When Friday rolled along, she arrived in Calculus later than usual and the teacher had already arrived. Some little shite had thought funny to cut her roses and she had to do damage control. She hated that. The flowers weren’t ready to be cut yet. She scribbled her notes a bit more fiercely than needed and didn’t understand half of the class. She would have to spend at least an hour reviewing the lesson with the manual before getting to the exercises. Bloody great day. When class was over, she heavily dropped her head on the desk and closed her eyes. She felt a headache coming and didn’t need that on top of her wonderful morning.

“You’re alright Jamie?”

How could Dani say her name like that? With such gentleness? She never liked her name, been teased for it, too boyish, too British. She made the effort to straighten before facing Dani. She eyed her with worry evident on her face and she still managed to look beautiful in her blue sweater and flowery skirt. Wow. Since when did Dani go from pretty to beautiful? _Get a grip, Taylor_ , she thought to herself.

“Perfectly splendid” she answered bitterly. “Work was shite, didn’t understand a thing of this bloody class, and a fucking headache is inviting itself in my skull.”

She sounded more whiny than angry but didn’t care. She packed her stuff but stopped when she noted Dani. She seemed nervous and a bit confused.

“Sorry, not fair of me to be shite to you for having a bad day.” She quickly apologized to the girl. “Let’s start over. Hi, Dani, nice to see ya around. How are you doing on this fine day?”

Dani let out a loud laugh that she promptly hid behind her hand. Her eyes seemed to shine with the same joy that prompted her laugh and it was beautiful.

“I’m good, thank you. I was actually going to propose you to work on today’s lesson at lunch? It was pretty hard, I admit.”

“That would be so great, God sent you, Dani!" Jamie exclaimed with gratitude, barely stopping herself from hugging the girl in front of her.

The bell signaling their next period rang and she quickly gathered her stuff and made her exit with Dani.

“So, see ya at lunch?” she checked with Dani.

The girl confirmed enthusiastically and they parted to go to their respective classes.

Maybe her shitty day was about to get better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!  
> I had a lot in mind for this chapter and I did my best to organise it lest it ends up being just words vomit, so I hope it's good enough. I really like having Jamie and Dani talking about books and I'll probably keep on doing it sporadically throughout the story. I chose to have Hannah and Owen as sort of parental figures for Jamie, because I couldn't leave her completely alone, she needs them around her.   
> Let me know what you think of Dani and Jamie's relationship, and also of your thoughts on Eddie, I'm curious!   
> I hope you're all doing okay and taking care of yourself and your loved ones, the world is pretty scary at the moment.
> 
> Until next time ^^


	5. Chapter 5

Dani went back home on Friday with a smile on her lips that felt fated to stay there forever. Her lunch break with Jamie had been even nicer than she had anticipated and she had had the impression of sitting on a cloud for the rest of her day. They had done calculus, they had talk about books, but most of all, they had kept on getting to know each other. Jamie had told her about her work at the manor and the passion in her eyes had left her breathless. Her entire face had seemed to light as she talked about her plants and their watered schedule and the specific needs that their required. Dani’s admiration for the girl kept growing. Not only was she smart and witty, she was also taking care of her little brother while juggling work and high school. And she was beautiful, had she already mentioned that? She had an unconventionally soft beauty that seemed to radiate from her and contrast with the air she gave herself. Her brown curls were framing her slightly round face, her eyebrows were thin and elegant, her lips were slightly pink. And her eyes, did she already talk about her eyes? Dani had noted that they tended to be on the grey side when she was tired or upset and bluer when she was laughing or talking about things she loved. Everything about her face screamed soft and tender, it was a striking contrast with the way she carried herself or even sat, until she put on that smug smile of her on her lips. She liked that playful part of her, it made her laugh and warm in her heart. Eddie had briefly sat with them at lunch but he quickly returned at their usual table when he had seen them work. He had come back to get her to her next class but Jamie and her had already exchanged their goodbyes and agreed to meet again for lunch on Monday. It had been a good day. When Eddie had kissed on her front doorstep, she had kissed him back with more enthusiasm than usual. Her mind was still bubbly with thoughts of her day and her general happiness had made her want to try harder with Eddie, for she wanted to be as happy with him.

But nothing good truly lasted. It would be too easy if it did. She was preparing her dinner when her mother came home. Dani heard her stumbled through the front door and she knew it was the end of her good day. She didn’t need to smell the liquor in her breath or see the wildness in her eyes. Dread ran in Dani’s blood as she quickly looked for a way to regain her room without crossing her mother’s path. There were none, she had to go through the living room to go upstairs and her mother just crashed on the sofa. She finished cooking, served herself, and took a big breath before making her way to her room.

“Hi mom” she said as she slowly hurried toward the stairs.

“Where are you going Danielle?” she grumbled.

Dani stopped and held back a sigh at her name. Her mom always said it with so much contempt and disdain, the girl sometimes wondered why she had even chose it in the first place if she despised it so much.

“I’ve got work to do, I’m going to eat in my room.”

“None of that nonsense, Danielle. Go fetch me a plate and we’re going to eat like a proper family for once.”

Dani bit the inside of her cheek and went back to the kitchen. She prepared her mom's plate with the rest of the food she had prepared. She didn’t sound so drunk at least, Dani noted. Maybe it would be alright, not pleasant, but not too painful either. Her mother sometimes had outbursts of apparent lucidity when she remembered that she was the mother of a teenage girl still living at home. She would either pretend to care about whatever was going in her life or complain about her own. They were awkward and often inconvenient for Dani but she would choose them over her angry outbursts anytime. She gave her mom her plate and quietly sat beside her with her own. The TV was on, some reality show playing. Her mother had already served herself a generous glass of wine that she kept near the couch and she could feel her heavy look on her.

“So, Danielle, have you nothing to tell me?” she commented with an exasperated sigh.

Pretend to care about her daughter’s life, then.

“School is going well,” she said, “I have this history assignment on…”

“What about Edmund?” her mom interrupted. “I haven’t seen him in a while, you’re still together I hope?”

Dani barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes.

“Yes, mom, I'm still dating him.”

Her mother seemed satisfied and gulped down her glass.

“Good, he’s a nice boy and you need to clung to him. God knows you won’t find another one so enamored with you anytime soon.”

Dani let the comment pass over her and focus on her food.

“You’ve been together for years now and he didn’t get bored. You should drop hints about engagement so he propose to you. That way you can easily follow him to wherever he goes to college.”

She poured herself another glass, she still hadn’t touched her food.

“I won’t get engaged in high school, mom” Dani exclaimed though she knew better.

“You could have your wedding soon then, or you could pop him his first child to push him a bit more.”

“Mom! I won’t…”

“I don’t wish for you a child so soon, God knows I would have rather waited more myself, but men can be a bit dense sometimes. The good ones always stay when a child is involved. You can give him one soon after your engagement and a second after the wedding. Though I don’t think he would be much troubles, Eddie's such a good boy."

Another glass.

“But you ought to work a bit harder still, Danielle, give him something to look for. Did you already sleep with him?”

“Mom!” Dani yelled, standing from the couch to face her.

“Don’t be a prude, Danielle, sex is only sex. It’s an efficient way to make him stay. You should…”

Dani had had enough. She threw her dishes into the sink and walked to her room, ignoring her mother screams. She closed her door and let herself fell onto her bed. She had tears in her eyes. Angry tears, sad tears, tears of shame.

She wasn’t even surprised by her mom’s words, she was used to them by now. Her mother had been telling her to marry Eddie since middle grade. She was used to her praising him over and over, noting that he was way too good for her and that she shouldn’t let the opportunity slip by. Even the children part didn’t bother her that much, it was nothing new at this point. What truly hurt was what came next. Dani had indeed had sex with Eddie. She didn’t enjoy it at all but she had slept with him. She sometimes wondered why she did it, why she said yes, why she had let him. Part of her knew, but she wasn’t ready to face it, to face the true reason. And her mom’s words hit too close to this reason that she stubbornly refused to confront. And she didn’t like what it said of her. She let the tears ran freely on her face for a moment, hugging herself tightly on her bed. Her phone vibrated several times in her pocket but she ignored it. It was just Eddie, or maybe Rebecca, and she didn’t feel in the mood to put up with them.

She hated weekends.

Finally, she straightened herself and lie on her back, arms and legs stretched. She focused on her ceiling and on the green phosphorescent stars her dad had stuck to it when she had still been a child afraid of the dark.

She used to love weekends for they would spend all their time together, going to museums and parks, baking cakes and making puzzles, but since he died she couldn’t bring herself to care for them. She was either stuck at her house or at Eddie’s. Sometimes they would go out on date or hang out with their friends. It wasn’t bad, just a bit dull after all this time. It felt emotionally exhausting and a deep sigh passed her lips. She hated weekends. Maybe she could try to get away for a bit. She would sometimes go do groceries with Judy or go wander in the street for an afternoon. Eddie didn’t like her being by herself so he often proposed to accompany her, or Rebecca would volunteer. She didn’t have a lot of alone time, she had spent most of her life after her dad died trying to avoid solitude, but she had found herself longing for it in the last couple of years. She would try, she decided. She could spend her morning with Eddie, eat with his mom and then go out on her own. To convince Eddie she could compromised by spending her Sunday with him, or even sleeping at his house on Saturday’s night. She forced herself to sat and freed her hair from her ponytails, running her hand in her tangled hair. Jamie’s brown curls popped her in her mind and she wondered how they would feel between her fingers. The thought made her blush and she promptly get up. She would take a shower, work a bit and go to bed, she decided resolutely with a nod to herself.

*******

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked, his brows frown in confusion.

“Just that I want to be on my own for a little while, just this afternoon”, Dani explained patiently. “I’ll come back on Sunday, or maybe even tonight to watch a movie if you want” she proposed with a smile.

Eddie crossed his arms.

“What are you going to do?”

She shrugged. “I don’t really know, walk a bit around, maybe buy some clothes?” Her voice went up at the end and she hated that it made it sound as if she was asking for permission. She wasn’t, she didn’t need to. And yet…

“And why can’t I come with you?”

“’Cause you don’t like that Eddie, you always get bored. And I’m entitled to some time alone!”

She was getting frustrated and the situation got heated. Eddie was pacing in front of her as she sat on his bed. She had thought that telling him about her afternoon’s plan after their make out was a good plan. Obviously, she was wrong.

“You’re my girlfriend, Danielle, we’re supposed to spend time with each other!”

“Not all of it, Eddie! I don’t…” she nearly shouted but it didn’t matter. Eddie kept on talking.

“You don’t want any PDA at school, you spend all your time with Taylor, eat lunch with her, and now you want to be alone?” He listed each accusation on his fingers before throwing his hands in the air. “Do you even want to be with me?”

“Of course!” She stood and felt a wave of honesty crashed on her. “I just can’t go any longer like this, Eddie. I’m always with you, at your house, with your friends… I feel like I’m losing myself.”

“I’m sorry dating me is such a chore!” he shouted back at her.

“You’re not even listening to me! It’s not about you, I just…”

“You’re dating me, Danielle, of course it’s about me.”

“But it’s not and that’s the point! I just…” she felt tears in her eyes and all her bravery left her body in a rush.

She turned her back to him and tried to catch her breath. She felt her hands shook with barely repressed anger and closed them into tight fists. She messed it up, she messed everything up. Her heartbeat was heavy in her chest, almost deafening in her ears. She kept inhaling but air never reached her lungs. Eddie’s room danced clumsily in front of her face and she closed her eyes. She just wanted to be alone for a moment, nothing more. Away from her mom’s indifference, away from school’s pressure, away from Judy’s quiet expectations, away from Eddie’s overbearingness, away from… everything. But she messed up everything again. She always did. She never shut up when she really needed to. A hand came to her shoulder and she felt herself getting sick. She needed to leave.

“I need some air” she said between clenched teeth.

Ignoring Eddie’s words, she grabbed her bag and left. She hurried through the living room, put on her shoes and left. Outside, the cold was harsh on her and she realized she had forgotten her coat but couldn’t bring herself to care. She adjusted the straps of her bag on her shoulders and started running.

She ran.

She had no directions in mind, no destination planned.

She just ran.

The wind in her hair screamed at her but she ignored it. Her mind was shouting at her but she ignored it.

She just ran.

When exhaustion took her, she crumbled on the first bench she found and cried. At least she no longer felt dizzy.

“You’re alright, young lady?” A voice asked beside her.

She looked up to find a worried old woman sitting on her right. She realized she had reached a bus stop, though she didn’t know which one. She wiped her nose with her sleeves and vainly tried to smile.

“Yeah, sorry.”

The stranger gave her a pitiful smile and patted her tight.

“Heart's troubles?” she didn’t wait for Dani to confirm or deny before going on with a wink: “He’ll come back, don’t worry.”

At the same moment a bus arrived and Dani stood her quickly.

“I’ve got to go, sorry” she said to the old lady as she got in the bus. She found a ticket in her bag and went to sit close to the window. Maybe if she closed her eyes hard enough it would all be quiet. Her thoughts, her heart, the world. Why was it always so loud? She remembered her dad’s hand on her shoulders and the whisper of his voice in her ear. She had had panic attacks since she was a child and he would always help her. He would keep his voice low, comforting and recite the alphabet backward with her until her heart settled. He had even taught her the Greek alphabet to force her to focus.

“Alpha”, she mumbled with a trembling voice, “beta, gamma, delta, epsilon, zeta, eta…”

At last, she could breathe again and opened up her eyes. Looking around as the bus stopped, she recognized the mall and got out. The air was still cold but it felt good. She joined the crowd entering the mall and let herself disappear in it. Walking aimlessly wherever her legs carried her, she forced her mind to settle. She didn’t have the energy to think about her conversation with Eddie and she felt too exhausted to lose herself in self-hatred. She was passing a small coffee shop when she heard a familiar laugh and immediately stopped. Could it be? She looked through the window and she saw her, Jamie, head thrown back with laughter. She went in before even thinking about it. She didn’t even plan to talk to her, she was obviously busy, she just needed to get closer. She saw her little brother messily eating a muffin and a small chuckle passed her lips. Dani went to the counter and asked for a cappuccino, patiently waiting for it while stealing glances of Jamie. She couldn’t hear whatever she was saying but the little boy beside her seemed completely captivated by her words. It made a cute picture, both of them lost in their small bubble of happiness.

“Dani” the waited called loudly with her drink in her hand.

Jamie looked up at the name and caught her eyes. Confusion quickly morphed into surprise and she offered her a soft smile. Dani took her drink and hesitantly walked to her.

“Hi” she said with her usual eloquence.

“Funny seeing ya here” Jamie replied with her trademark smirk on her lips.

Dani took a real deep breath for the first time of the day. The girl invited her to sit and she gladly accepted.

“Are you stalking me?”

“I was… around” she explained with a blush, feeling a bit silly. “Just getting my coffee.”

Jami was about to answer when her brother beat her to it.

“Dana!” he exclaimed with a toothy smile filled with chocolate.

“Hello Mickey” she replied, delighted that he remembered her.

“Want chococo?” he asked, pushing her way his half-eaten muffin.

“No, you can keep it, it’s alright’’ she refused, trying to keep from laughing.

“Come on, little sprout” Jamie, who had watched the small exchanged with a fond smile, said, “try to get the muffin in your mouth and not on it this time.”

She efficiently wiped his face with a napkin and playfully bopped his nose. Dani liked the easy affection between the two of them, liked how open Jamie was with him.

“Sure you’re alright, Dani?”

Dani looked up from Mickey to Jamie and found worried blue eyes watching her. She must look like a mess, she thought. She brought a self-conscious hand to her eyes and felt them swollen from her tears. 

“Yeah, perfectly splendid” she answered and Jamie laughed as she had hoped she would.

“You’re a weird one, Dani, that’s for sure”

“Takes one to know one, I guess” she shrugged, pleased with her own wits.

She took a sip of her coffee as Jamie helped her brother with his own juice.

“So, what are you two up to?” she asked, sincerely curious.

“Just shopping for this sprout” she said, playfully messing her brother’s hair,” keeps growing like weeds this little one. Trying to tire him out a bit too, sleep better that way. What about you, miss I-was-around?”

Jamie sipped her own beverage that Dani assumed was some tea. She busied herself with her own drink, not knowing how to answer. She couldn’t just tell her she had a fight with her boyfriend, had a panic attack and then ran from him. It was a bit too much for whatever friendship they were building. And yet, she didn’t want to lie to her. She already spent too much of her time lying, concealing part of the truth, part of herself. She sighed.

“I needed to get away for a moment, you know?”

Jamie nodded with understanding. “From home?” she guessed.

“Yeah.” She drank a bit. “Among other things” she admitted.

She felt nervous though she hadn’t said that much. But she got the feeling that Jamie could read the unspoken in her eyes. It unsettled her, but it didn’t bother her, she realized. She wanted Jamie to read her, wanted her to understand what she wasn’t strong enough to confront, to put words on them. It was a scary thought, needing that much from someone whom she had only known for a short time.

“Fancy tagging along with us, then?” Jamie proposed tentatively. “I mean, I still need to find Mickey a stuffed animal, nothing exciting, but it could take your mind off of unwanted thoughts.”

Dani hesitated. She should go back to Eddie’s and present her excuses. Maybe make him understand her point of view. They should have a real conversation this time. She had heard her phone ring several times in her back but couldn’t bring herself to check it. She should at least go home, she didn’t have her coat on.

“The choice is all yours, Dani, whatever you want is fine.”

She could have cried again. How could Jamie find all the right words when people she knew from birth and childhood never seemed to? She held back her tears and nodded.

“I would love to, thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!  
> A bit of Dani's angst and some Mickey's cuteness here for you ^^ In the next chapter, we will continue the day at the mall from Jamie's point of view this time.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, don't hesistate to comment ^^  
> Take care of yourself and until next time!


	6. Chapter 6

“I needed to get away for a moment” Dani said, keeping her eyes on her drink. Probably some coffee by the smell of it.

Jamie was too familiar with the same need, she had been for most of her life.

“From home?” she supplied with a nod of understanding.

“Yeah” Dani said, her American accent thick on the word as she distractedly drank from her cup. “Among other things” she added after a bit.

Jamie briefly caught her blue eyes before Dani averted them to her brother. There was so much to read in their blue… She had obviously been crying but it was more than that. There was something in them, something lingering, almost lurking that she couldn’t name. Her face was still a bit flushed and her hands had a lingering tremor. Jamie wanted to ask, Jamie wanted to take her in her arms, she wanted to run back to wherever Dani came from and slay the dragon that left her in that state. The strength of those thoughts took her by surprise and she forced herself to ignore them. She wasn’t used to feel so protective of people, she wasn’t in the habit to mind other people’s business. She kept to herself and took care of her baby brother. For so long, he was the only one that mattered. But these last days, she had found herself thinking more and more about Dani. She couldn’t leave her alone while she was still so obviously struggling with something, whatever it was. She leaned against her chair with an arm around her brother’s back seat.

“Fancy tagging along with us, then?” She proposed tentatively before she changed her mind. “I mean, I still need to find Mickey a stuffed animal, nothing exciting, but it could take your mind off of unwanted thoughts.”

She waited, trying to look nonchalant. Dani looked uncomfortable and Jamie wanted to curse. She didn’t mean to come across as pushy or anything. Her people’s skills were a tad rusty.

“The choice is all yours, Dani, whatever you want is fine.” She added, wanting to dissolve the pressure she had unknowingly put on the girl.

But Dani surprised her with a very decided and almost enthusiastic nod as she finally accepted her offer.

“You’re sure? I didn’t mean to put ya on the spot or anything”, Jamie replied, feeling the need to make sure.

“I’m sure. In fact, I think it’s exactly what I need” Dani said with a soft smile.

It was the one that lit her eyes with a warm and shy spark. Not as bright as the smile when she was laughing, but still, Jamie thought it might be one of her favorites. Not that she put that much on the matter. She smiled back at her and gulped down her tea trying to think of an appropriate answer, one not centered on the beauty of her eyes or the warmth of her smile, when Mickey tugged on her sleeve.

“Jayjay, we go now? The mamimals!”

The enthusiasm in his baby voice made her smile as it always did and she bopped his nose with a wink.

“Well, little sprout, I’m all done. We’re just waiting for Dani over there.”

“Dana, we go now? The mamimals?” Mickey asked again, turning his pleading brown eyes to a chuckling Dani.

“I’m all set,”, she said as she drank the last of her coffee. “Let’s not make wait the animals” she said, kindly insisting on the word to correct Mickey.

Jamie helped him back into his coat and knotted his scarf around his neck and was about to put her own vest on when she noted for the first time that Dani only had her trademark pastel jumper on, no coat or vest. She thought of asking but a look at her flushed face stopped her. Dani was clearly embarrassed for whatever reason. Not needing to think twice, Jamie walked to her and put her vest on her shoulders.

“What are you…”

“You looked a tad cold” she interrupted her with a shrug.

“What about you?” Dani insisted, still unsure, though she didn’t try to take the vest off.

“I’m a brit, Dani, that ain’t no cold for me.”

The girl chuckled again and slipped her arms in the sleeves of her vest. It looked good on her, Jamie noted before movements on her right caught her attention.

“Oi Mickey, come back!”

Her brother stopped immediately and reluctantly turned back to her. He pointed a little finger to something in his back.

“But doggy”, he tried to negotiate and Jamie eyes found a young couple passing the coffee shop with a small dog on a leash. She looked back to her brother with her big-sister-doesn’t-agree face and Mickey ran back to her on his little legs. “Up, up, Jayjay.”

Jamie took him in her arms and was about to take the shopping bags in her other hand but Dani beat her to it.

“Let me help you, it’s the least I can do”, Dani said.

And well, Jamie accepted of course, with those eyes she reckoned there were only few things she wouldn’t accept from Dani. They left the coffee and joined the crowd of the mall. Jamie wasn’t a big fan of people and she didn’t particularly enjoy them all gathered at the same time and place as herself. She walked close to Dani -not to lose her in the crowd of course- while Mickey gently babbled in her arms, pointing at various things around them. He wasn’t a big fan of crowds either and always let Jamie carry him around, she preferred it that away. Less chances of him getting lost. They walked in a comfortable silence, not because they had nothing to say to each other but because being in the company of the other felt good. If Jamie was one for poetry, she would even say she felt warm around Dani, like a soft blanket was laid on her shoulders while an even softer wind breezed quietly around her. It felt nice and comforting and if it was enough for Dani, it was more than enough for her too. She stole a couple of looks at her profile to check on her but she looked good. Well, of course she did, she always did, but she didn’t seem as upset as she was when she first sat in the coffee. She looked more at peace. Jamie wondered what caused her tears. Troubles at home, most certainly. But it was more than that, she had said it herself. Something with Edmund? It seemed possible but she didn’t want to think too much of it. It wasn’t her business. Dani would tell her if she wanted her to know. She would tell her if it was important, at least Jamie hoped so. Before she could give more thoughts on the matter, they arrived at the toys store Mickey and her liked and the little boy in her arms started to kick to be let down.

“JayJay, down, the mamimals!”

She entered the store with Dani beside her and carefully put the toddler on his little legs.

“You have to hold my hand, alright? No running around like a wee gremlin” she warned as she always did.

Her little brother barely listened to her, eyes looking out for the stuffed animals’ aisle. He grabbed her fingers in his sticky hand and reached for Dani’s before dragging the girls after him. If Dani was surprised she didn’t let it on, just smile at the kid’s enthusiasm and followed him. When they arrived, he dropped both their hands and walked among the toys, his brown eyes wide open and his mouth slightly agape.

“He really like stuffed animals” Dani commented with a smile.

Jamie shrugged with a similar smile and leaned on a shelf, watching her brother. He could easily spend hours there, pointing at each animal and waiting for her to name it. She had tried getting him to the zoo once but he quickly got scared and wouldn’t stopped crying until they left. Dani put the bags on the floor next to Jamie and walked along Mickey, naming whatever caught his attention and doing the noises corresponding. The kid was delighted, his laughter mixed with Dani’s was adorable and Jamie quickly got her phone out to take a picture of the pair. When the girl walked back to her after a moment, Mickey having found a couple of elephants to play with, Jamie had to tease her.

“You’re good with the kid, kinda seemed like an expert with all those voices” she joked, smiling harder when Dani chuckled.

“Yeah, I usually babysit in the summer. A little boy and a little girl, they are really nice kids those two.”

“A regular Mary Poppins, impressive.” Dani laughed fully then. “Might require your advice with this gremlin sometimes”

“I don’t think that’s true, you’re doing great” she answered promptly. Jamie was about to laugh it off but Dani placed a hand on her arm and hold her eyes. “I mean it, Jamie. You’re doing great” she repeated.

“I… I’m trying… he deserves more” Jamie stuttered, embarrassed by her own awkwardness but rendered a bit shy at Dani’s praise. The girl gently lowered her hand until she reached her fingers and gave them a small squeeze.

"I think you underestimate everything you bring to him." Without taking her eyes off her, she nodded toward Mickey who was still having a deep discussion with the fluffy toys. "He's an intelligent, polite, sweet little guy. I'm sure he owes a lot to you."

Jamie felt herself blushing at Dani's attention and looked at her little brother. They had the same hair and possibly the same nose, but the resemblance ended there. If she could trust what Denny had told her, which she avoided as much as possible, she had been an independent child very quickly and had not wanted to be carried as soon as she could walk. She had been slow to speak and rarely did so, often in an annoying little voice that irritated Denny as much as her mother. Mickey was diametrically opposed to this description. He was always clinging to her and babbling all the time. His curiosity knew no bounds and he opened himself up to the world with enthusiasm, welcoming each new person into his life as if they had the power to make the stars shine. He had a lively and luminous personality that blossomed a little more each day, with delicacy and determination. This innate kindness was dangerous, she knew only too well the ease with which the world played with this quality, drawing on it until there remained only a bitter pain, a gaping void that regrets only filled with sorrow. She wanted none of this for her brother. She had been trying from birth to protect him, to protect that goodness of soul, that joyfulness that stuck to his heart, but she was not gullible. She knew it couldn't last. She couldn't protect him from everything, she could only delay the inevitable and prepare him to endure the shock. But she would be there for him, and she would do everything she could to spare him the worst.

“I think he always had it in him”, she replied softly, looking back at Dani. “He’s a good seed, I’m just keeping him watered and in the light.”

Dani smiled at her with her lips pressed and her eyes bright, like she didn’t agree but wouldn’t insist. Jamie was grateful for it. For it all.

“JayJay, look, the lelephant!” Mickey exclaimed, rushing back into her legs with the trunk of purple elephant in his hand.

It wasn't until Jamie lowered herself to his level that she realized she was still holding Dani's hand in hers. She reluctantly separated their fingers, forcing herself not to dwell on the softness of Dani's skin, and studied her brother's selected cuddly toy more closely. A reasonably sized elephant whose colour bore a striking resemblance to the pastel colours Dani was wearing. She checked the prize tag hanging from its ear before declaring: “Fine choice, sprout.” She affectionately patted his hair and he gave her one of his trademark toothy smile. He turned back to Dani and showed her his new friend.

“Look, Dana, the lelephant!”

“Wow, what a beautiful e-le-phant you’ve got yourself!” She exclaimed with a big smile herself.

Mickey put his arm on his face and made a muffled noise in a weird attempt to mimic the animal and Dani chuckled, doing an imitation of her own. What a strange bunch did the three of them must form.

“Come on, weirdos, time to adopt our new friend.” She said to get them moving.

She paid for the toy, refused the plastic bag offered and gave it back to her brother who took it eagerly.

“Fank ya JayJay”

“You’re welcome, little sprout” She said as she picked him up and left the store with Dani.

While she was paying, she had seen Dani checking her phone, a deep frown on her face as she read whatever was on the screen. She checked her watch. She had planned to get home by now to put Mickey down for a nap while she worked some more on her homework. But she could feel the tension radiating from Dani's body and the crease in her forehead had not completely disappeared even though she had put her phone back in her pocket. In her arms, Mickey was already dozing off, lulled by her walk and she dropped a kiss on his head.

“Wanna sit down for a moment?” she proposed as casually as she could, showing with a nod a bench away from the hustle and bustle of the mall, near an ugly plastic bush. “This little guy’s going to be out for a moment so, we’ve got time”, she added to prevent Dani’s worry.

“Alright, good idea”, she finally accepted with a small smile.

“I’ve got plenty of them” she joked with a wink.

They sat with the bags at their foot and Jamie laid Mickey beside her, his head on her lap and his elephant safely tucked between their bodies. She ran her fingers in his hair for a moment, making sure he was asleep before looking back at Dani. She sat with her back straight, her hands resting stubbornly on her knees in spite of their nervous twitching. Her eyes were fixed on the passersby without seeing them.

“Won’t ask if you’re fine ‘cause I don’t like being lie to”, she started resolutely. “So, what’s wrong?”

Dani let out a long sigh and all her determination seemed to leave her suddenly. She slumped against the back of the bench and ran a trembling hand through her hair. There were no tears in her eyes, yet Jamie felt that it would happen soon. She was silent, giving her time to find her words and sort through her thoughts. Not wanting to add pressure by staring at her, she turned her attention to Mickey. He sucked his thumb as he always did since he no longer had his soother -their father had taken it off in a fit of anger one night. When he was a baby he had sucked Jamie's thumb for comfort, and while she now laughed with Hannah and said she was relieved that this phase had passed, she still remembered it fondly.

“I had a fight with Eddie”, Dani finally admitted in a whisper.

Jamie looked up but kept silent.

“It’s not our first disagreement, obviously, but it was different this time. And… I don’t know what it means for us.”

“What was different about this one?” Jamie asked gently, feeling Dani needed the help to say more.

The girl bit on her thumb’s nail and shrugged.

“I don’t know… I just feel stuck, and it’s so exhausting.” She sighed and caught Jamie’s eyes. “It's as if every morning I slip into a dress that's too tight. All day long I have to hold my breath and resist the urge to squirm to fit the clothe over me. And I know it's too tight, I know it hasn't suited me for a long time and yet every morning I find myself putting it on. And what drives me crazy is that no matter how uncomfortable and hideous this dress is, I don't have anything else to wear; I wouldn't even know what to choose and where to look. I've only been wearing it for so long...” She had a depreciative laugh as she wiped a lonely tear on her cheek. “I must sound crazy.”

“I’m think you’re surprisingly sane considering”, Jamie replied, trying to turn herself toward Dani without bothering her sleepy brother. “I think sometimes we’re so caught in playing our part that we forget that we get a say in it, that we get to be what we want to, not what is scripted for us to be.”

Dani nodded, her blue eyes made shinny by the tears still ready to spill.

“Pretending is not that easy”, Jamie added as she remembered one of their first real conversations.

“I thought it was, but it’s just exhausting.” She looked down at Mickey and bit on her lower lip. “I… I think I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to keep pretending” she confessed in a trembling voice lest the wrong person heard her.

“Then don’t.”

“It’s not that simple”, Dani countered, “not after all this time. I can’t just… stop.”

“Why?” Jamie insisted, not to be mean but to understand, to truly understand.

“It would hurt them, it would hurt him and…” she breathed deeply and looked up. “I’m scared… what if I don’t know who I am anymore?”

Jamie took her hand and easily linked their fingers together, rubbing small circles on hers with her thumb.

“You don’t have to do it all at once”, she assured softly. “Give yourself time and try baby steps. One day at a time might be easier.”

Dani seemed surprised and frowned her delicate eyebrows again, mulling the idea over before nodding.

“One day at a time”, she repeated tentatively, tasting the words on her tongue before nodding again, convinced.

Then, she smiled and in her teary eyes, Jamie saw a rainbow.

“And just so you know, Poppins, ya don’t have to pretend with me.”

She wanted to say more, so much more, but Dani’s smile grew brighter and it felt enough. It was enough for now. They kept their eyes on each other, but the moment slowly passed away. It always did. Time took all things. It was the way of the world. But it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. She released Dani’s hand and putted it back on Mickey who snuggled deeper against her.

“So, did you know there are about 10,560 known species of ferns?” Dani asked somehow awkwardly.

The random question made Jamie laughed and she had to press a hand to her mouth not to be too loud.

“Didn’t know that, no”, she managed to say when she had caught her breath. 

Dani looked rather smug as she went on: “Yeah, and they are even considered some of the oldest plants in the world.”

“Didn’t know you were into ferns”, Jamie pointed out with an easy smile to show she wasn’t making fun of her, just being curious.

“I’m not, not really. But... hmm… I’ve been reading… stuff. On the Internet.” She mumbled strangely, an embarrassed flush on her cheeks.

Jamie looked at her profile with confusion.

“Care to elaborate on that?” she prompted with amusement in her voice that only deepened Dani’s blush.

“You have to promise not to laugh at me” Dani declared first with a partially fake seriousness on her face that was impossible to resist.

Jamie tried to read her face but Dani refused to hold her eyes and stared resolutely in front of her. She didn’t seem truly bothered so Jamie played along.

“I can try, though I won’t make any promises."

Dani nodded after a bit and tucked her blonde lock behind her ear. Jamie followed the movement with her eyes and tightened her hold on Mickey. She didn’t want to run her fingers through her hair, nope, didn’t even thought of it.

“I’ve been reading stuff about ferns” she finally revealed.

Jamie pressed her lips tightly and bit the inside of her cheek not to laugh again. Dani watched her with a raised eyebrow but she managed to keep a somewhat straight face.

“You’re a weirdo, Poppins, that’s for sure” Jamie stated with a toothy smile as she playfully bumped her shoulders. “Why did ya suddenly decide to read ‘stuff about ferns’ on the Internet?”

“I saw that poster in your room the other day, and I was curious, I didn’t know there were that many types of ferns”, she explained with a casual shrug.

As if it was completely normal for her to have not only notice that old poster but tried to learn more on the subject. As if it was something they often did, hanging out in each other rooms and learning facts about the other. Though, it wasn’t the first time she did that sort of thing. She had pick up Gatsby after their talk about it. It unsettled her a bit to be at the end of such attention, but it also made her feel warm in her chest. Knowing someone took the time to look into her center of interest, even if they were just green leaves.

“I always liked them as a child”, she said in confidence, as if she were revealing a great secret. Her childhood, though not fundamentally horrible, had not been the sweetest and she cherished her happy memories with care and longing. “I thought they looked comfy and happy, being always close to each other in little bushes.” She flushed a bit at the silliness of her remark but Dani had a kind look in her eyes that pushed her to go on. “I know there is nothing fancy in them, they’re pretty common and even look a bit boring by comparison to other plants. But I think there is something powerful in them, how they claim space and occupy it. They don’t have any seeds or flowers, ya know? They reproduce via spores. If the environment allows it, they can grow wherever the wind or any insects or animals carry their spores. There is a sort of freedom and boldness in them that I truly admire.”

Feeling a bit self-conscious after sharing so much on some random plants, she was looking for a way to joke her way out of this specific subject but Dani spoke before she could.

“I like that, how you can speak with such passion on things that you truly care about.”

“Even though it’s boring ol’ leaves?” Jamie asked with a playful raised eyebrow.

“It’s not boring!”

“Kinda is”, she insisted. “But boring isn’t bad, I like boring. It deserves more hype if you ask me.”

“Well, allow me to disagree”, Dani chuckled. “Most of my life’s been pretty boring and I don’t find it that enjoyable.”

“Must be doing it wrong, then.”

“Am I?” Jamie nodded distractedly, her attention drawn by the furtive passage of her Dani's tongue on her lips. “Well, I guess I still have plenty to learn.”

The switch of tone surprised Jamie; it was no longer just playful and her voice sounded lower. She brought her eyes up to hers and decided to play along.

“I reckon I could teach ya a couple of things if you wanted.”

Her breath was short and her heart loud.

“I do”, Dani whispered.

But the two short words had the effect of a shock on Jamie and she blinked several times, as if she had woken up from a trance. Was she flirting with Dani? What the hell was going through her head? Dani had just had a fight with her boyfriend, she had been vulnerable in front of her, had listened carefully to her pitiful monologue about ferns, and Jamie thought this was the appropriate situation to flirt with her? Dani who had a boyfriend by the way, had she already pointed this out? Dani with whom she had only recently become friends, Dani who had never shown an ounce of interest in women. What the fuck was she thinking about?

“I should go”, she suddenly declared, avoiding Dani’s eyes.

She focused on holding her still asleep brother in her arms and gathering their few shopping bags. She couldn’t look at her face and see whatever expression she had on. She wasn’t ready to have the confirmation that she had messed up their blossoming friendship. That was why she preferred her boring and solitary life. Her people skills were too rusty for all this social interaction. Once she managed to hold everything, she took a deep breath and steeled herself as she faced Dani. The girl had a confused and hurt look on and Jamie felt even worst. _Well fucking done, Taylor_. Her inner voice sounded a lot like her father’s and it only made her more annoyed at herself.

“I’m sorry, I still have things to do at home and Mickey would rest better in his bed” she explained, hopping her excuse was believable. After all, it was true, she had homework to do as well as some cleaning around the house. And, well, Mickey could sleep anywhere as long as she was there, but surely it was better in his own bed.

“Yeah, of course” Dani said though her eyes still bled hurt. “I’ll let you go then.”

Jamie felt awful. _Great_.

“Do you want me to walk you to a bus or something?” she tentatively proposed but Dani was already shaking her head.

“It’s fine, I won’t take more of your time.”

She deserved that. Jamie desperately tried to find anything to fixe whatever she had managed to break. “I’ll see ya Monday? At lunch?”

Dani looked ready to refuse but bit her lips and nodded.

“Great, good, that’s good” she eloquently mumbled as relief filled her. “Alright, see ya then.”

She had barely walked a dozen of steps before her name made her turn.

“You’re forgetting your vest”, Dani exclaimed as she hurried to remove it but Jamie promptly stopped her.

“Keep it, Poppins. I don’t want you to get cold”, she said with a wink before she could think to much of it.

*******

Sunday morning went by in a blur. She wanted to be at Hannah’s for 3pm so she had to get her things in order. She had done most of the clean up on Saturday so she only had to work some more on her school stuff and get Mickey ready. She also made sure to bring the small pot of fresh basilic she had prepared Owen and the small composition she had been working on for Hannah: a small rosebush ready to blossom surrounded by Adiantum ferns. She left with Mickey just before 2pm to catch the bus.

Her father never asked where they went, always glad to know he will be at peace for the day. Jamie was long past the point where his disinterest hurt, she was herself glad to have such freedom. It would be a real pain in the arse to have to answer to someone who only cared about her existence when she was disturbing theirs. She respected her father, he had always stayed: when her mother left then came back with Mickey, when she left again, when Denny left... She wouldn't go so far as to say that her father was someone she could count on, but she knew how to appreciate his presence in her life. She didn't have to worry about the roof over her head or the food on her plate. He provided her with a solid framework in which she could take care of Mickey and herself without too much interference. He had his moments of frustration and anger and he would come and stick his nose in her business and bring his completely useless nonsense about Mickey's upbringing; he would come shouting to remind her and himself that he was the head of this household. However, he was never physically violent, a significant detail that Jamie never lost sight of. So, no, she didn't hate her father, but she didn't particularly like him either, and was perfectly happy with the unspoken agreement that was theirs: not to get in each other's way and to ignore the existence of the other as much as possible.

Her brother wasn’t found of the bus but she managed to distract him with his picture book on the animals of the zoo -she had bought it after the disaster that their excursion to the zoo had been- and then let him walk beside her to Hannah and Owen’s house. It was a 20 minutes’ walk from the bus' stop and she hoped it would tired him enough to put him to sleep shortly after they arrived. She knocked twice and a giggling Mickey imitated her with a big smile on. He truly was fond of the couple, particularly of Owen who always gave him stuff to eat when he thought Jamie wasn’t looking. He was the one to open the door, apron on, flour on the cheek and mischief in his eyes.

“Just about thyme you arrive”, he exclaimed, not sparing her a second with his famous puns. “I missed my favorite bud” he added with a wink to Mickey who had already glued himself to his leg.

Jamie groaned loudly as she followed him inside.

“I swear, mate, you’re not getting any better”, she complained with an easy smile.

She might love his lame jokes and the pride with which he always delivered each one but she would never tell him that. He wore that boyish smile that was infectious and that ridiculously big moustache that she had to mock at least twice each time. He had a generous soul that washed people with kindness and care without being overwhelming and suffocating. He had taken her in as if she had always been a part of his life, like a long-lost friend he still remembered fondly. And Mickey had him wrapped around his pinky since the first time he touched his moustache with a curious finger and declared “it’s tilly tilly”. Jamie gave him the pot of basilic and smiled as he claimed it was exactly what he was missing. She helped Mickey out of his coat and shoes and watched him ran to the open arms of Hannah in the living room. She removed her own and joined them. Owen had gone back to the open kitchen followed by the little legs of her brother and Hannah was waiting for her. She greeted Jamie with a kiss a on her cheek a side hug.

“Darling, I’m glad you could make it” she said in her warm voice.

She had a deep red camisole on paired with a thin gold necklace and grey trousers. Casual elegance that suited her just fine.

“Thanks for having us.”

Jamie offered her the composition she had made and was happy to see Hannah’s delight. She took a deep breath and inhaled the mixed scents of whatever Owen was cooking and Hannah’s candles burning on some shelves. They joined Owen in the kitchen as he was serving the tea. Jamie gladly accepted the offered cuppa and took a hot sip, savoring the warm that spread through her body.

“Thanks, really needed that”, she sighed.

“You always say that, Jamie. You’re just like an old lady”, Owen joked, “nursing a nice cuppa and talking with your plants”.

“At least I don’t try to be ‘cool’ with a caterpillar on my upper lips”, she snorted.

Owen looked offended as he dramatically brought a hand to his chest.

“Don’t be mean, old lady! You can’t kale my vibe.”

They went back and forth while drinking their teas and eating Owen’s freshly baked biscuits until Jamie managed to put Mickey to rest in their spare bedroom. They then went to the living room to sat, Owen and Hannah sharing the sofa while Jamie claimed her usual seat in their old armchair. She was nursing her second cup of tea and was content to watch the couple bicker.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, dear”, Hannah said with an sceptic frown on her face.

“But I can pair it with your favorite wine, my love! With Jamie’s basilic, it’s going to taste so good”, he pleaded with puppy eyes.

Hannah wouldn’t last long now, Jamie thought. She never could when Owen used his puppy eyes. He only needed to add…

“And who doesn’t want some pizza, except weirdough?”

Here came the pun, the perfect way to end Hannah’s weak reluctance. She rolled her eyes and chuckled softly. The point went to Owen.

“Fine, but I’m not cleaning after you this time.”

It was Owen‘s turn to roll his eyes. They both knew that Owen always cleaned after his cooking and that she did it again right after to her own standards. He dropped a soft kiss on her lips before going to the kitchen.

“So, Jamie”, Hannah started, focusing her attention back on the girl, “I saw you’re hanging with Miss Clayton those days.”

Putting her empty cup on the coffee table, she got more comfortable in her seat and shrugged.

“I guess. She helped me with my Calculus a couple of times.”

“She tutors you? I thought it was more casual than that” Hannah replied with a poorly faked surprise.

“I guess we’re kinda friends now.”

“Oh, Jamie made a new friend?” Owen cheerfully repeated as he came back with a small tray of biscuits. “When are you in-tree-ducing her to us?”

Jamie groaned and threw him the first pillow she could get her hand on. Hannah scolded her but it was worth it.

“She’s a charming girl, though a tad on the shy side” Hannah commented in an attempt to get the teenager to talk.

“I thought you didn’t condone gossips?” Jamie countered with a cheeky smile.

“I don’t, I’m just curious. You seemed different around her, you smile more.”

“Are you spying on me?”

Her joke was lame and she knew it. She was only partly trying to avoid this conversation. The truth was, Dani didn’t leave her thoughts since they parted on Saturday. Her mind kept playing their flirt-maybe-reciprocated-probably-not and it was driving her crazy. But she also remembered the sadness in her eyes, the hurt that lingered there, the doubt that crept in her voice and made her words trembled.

“It’s complicated”, she finally said in a sigh as she reached for a biscuit.

“How?” Owen asked softly.

“I like her, I truly do. It’s nice talking with her, she really listens, ya know? She learnt random facts on ferns just to make conversation with me.” She chuckled at the memory, a fond smile on her lips.

“But?”

For all his bad puns and bad taste in facial hairs, Owen always read her like an open book. They didn’t had a lot of long and deep conversations as she usually had with Hannah, but he was the best at reading her moods and understanding what she struggled to put words on.

“But there is this shadow in her eyes, this heaviness in her silence… I’m kinda a mess, and she already seems to have her own load of shite to deal with.”

“Language”, Hannah chided under her breath.

“I’m not sure I can be what Dani needs right now.”

“What do you think she needs?” Hannah asked.

“A friend.”

“And you can’t be that.”

Not a question. Again, Owen knew her too well.

“I’m not really good at the whole friendship thing. I’ve got Mickey, the Manor and poor people skills”, she explained with a weak laugh.

“But it’s more than that.”

Damn this man and his ridiculous moustache.

“I… I feel like it would be different with her. It could be more… I might want more?”

She hated the uncertainty in her voice but couldn’t help it.

“Does it scare you?” Hannah inquired.

“I’m not scared” she replied without missing a beat, a knee jerk reaction.

“But you kinda are, that’s the problem.”

Jamie sighed again a briefly closed her eyes. She preferred when he bothered her with lame jokes, or better even, when he cooked for her.

“I guess… I’m not looking for more, don’t have time for that. And she doesn’t want or need that too.”

“You don’t know what she might want or need unless you ask her”, Hannah pointed out.

“Well, her dumb boyfriend would probably disagree.”

“She’s a person of her own, she doesn’t need him or you to take decision on her behalf.” Hannah was using her listen-to-my-wisdom-and-take-time-to-think-about-it voice. “Moreover, I understand and respect that you have a lot on your plate, but you’re a teenager, darling. You deserve to live your youth at its fullest, you deserve to ‘want more’ and to try to get it.”

“Mickey needs me, I can’t just…” Jamie tried to argue but Hannah was on a roll and didn’t let her finish.

“Mickey needs his big sister to be happy. Don’t use him as an excuse to hide from what matters to you. You’re doing so much for his happiness, don’t forget yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings !
> 
> I'm sorry I missed the update last week, life can be mean and busy (I'm uploading this at 2am... not the best decision of my life but I don't really care xD). I made this chapter longer to aplogise (it's 6k, the longest one so far!). I struggled to find the right tone in this but I'm happy with the results and I truly hope you liked it too.   
> Btw, I finally made a Tumblr account, you can find me under the same username, so please, don't be shy ^^ 
> 
> Take care of yourself and until next time !


	7. Chapter 7

Had she already pointed out that she hated weekends? As she was getting ready for her day, Dani stopped in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection. She looked as exhausted as she felt. When she came home on Saturday she had to endure her mother’s anger and disappointment, for Eddie had been worried when she had refused all his calls and he had had the bright idea of telling Judy about their argument. Judy, kind and worried Judy, had then called her own mother. Suffice to say that if drunk Karen was bad, angry drunk Karen was worse. Dani didn’t eat that night and didn’t get any sleep. She had spent the night sat at the foot of her bed, knees tucked against her chest, tears on her cheeks and fears in her mind. She kept replaying her argument with Eddie and thinking of what she had confessed to Jamie while the harsh voice of her mother repeating how useless she was kept playing on a loop in her ears, and her anxiety was so strong she managed to push herself into another panic attack.

Sunday had had no consistency. Dani struggled to remember her day, it had been as if she had been extinguished, detached from her own body and caught up in a distant void where she had remained in a kind of half-sleep. She had stayed in her room, had mechanically completed her homework and usual household chores, had washed her hair and had spent most of the afternoon lying on her bed, her mind empty and her body inhabited by a chilling whisper that made her shiver. She hadn't looked at her phone, hadn't charged it all weekend. Her only certainty was that she hadn't parted with Jamie's jacket. She went to bed at 8pm and immediately fell asleep. But when her alarm clock went off this morning, she didn't feel rested. Her mind was tired and her body weakened. She couldn't remember her last meal. With a sigh, she turned away from her reflection and finished getting ready by putting on a large navy-blue jumper. She retrieved her phone, which she had finally plugged in when she got up, slipped it into her pocket and glanced hesitantly at Jamie's jacket that had been left under her duvet when she first got up. She sighed again and went downstairs. A glance confirmed that her mother had already left. She went into the kitchen, opened a cupboard, closed it, opened the fridge and closed it again. She didn't feel like eating anything. She put on her coat, her shoes, and went out, adjusting her backpack on her shoulders. Eddie's car was waiting for her on the pavement. Of course, it was. She thought briefly of ignoring him and taking the bus but she wasn't sure if her legs could carry her to the it. Another sigh and she walked to his car. She sat at the passenger seat without looking at him.

“Why didn’t you answer my calls? Or my texts? It’s been two days, Danielle!”

She closed her eyes and kept silent. What could she tell him? He was right, it had been two days. She hadn’t been fair to him. She should apologize to him, give him an explanation. But she didn't have the strength to do so, she didn’t think she had anything left so she kept silent. She could feel the intensity of his eyes on her skin, he was waiting for an answer, a sign, something.

“Danielle?”

Less angry this time, worry was starting to creep inside him. He put a hand on her shoulder. She shivered.

“I can’t right now”, Dani finally breathed, resisting the urge to push his fingers away from her. “I’m sorry”, she added with sincerity. She was, she truly was.

Eddie removed his hand slowly.

“Alright”, he said a bit hurt but not incline to insist. “Alright”, he mumbled again as he started the engine and drove to school.

He walked her to her first class as he always did, but he didn’t kiss her. Instead, he took both of her hands in his and tried to caught her eyes.

“You can talk to me, Danielle. I’m sorry for getting angry. You’re my girlfriend, you’re my best friend and I can be here for you, I can fix this.”

He brought her hands to his lips and softly kissed each one before going to his own class. Dani walked to her usual place and sat. She didn’t feel good. She didn’t feel anything and yet there was something in her, something building. It laid heavily in her chest, crept in her throat, throbbed in her head.

She didn’t feel good.

The class had been going for half an hour but she couldn’t even remember what subject it was. The teacher came to her and asked her if what was wrong. She couldn’t answer.

She didn’t feel good.

“Miss Clayton, you’re not looking good. You should go see the nurse.”

She put her stuff back into her bag, grabbed it, took her coat and left the class. She walked in the hallway, not knowing where her feet were taking her until someone ran into her.

“Oi, I’m sorry mate.”

That voice was familiar. She looked up and saw Jamie. She was wearing high waisted jeans in which brownish flannel with a dark green jacket. She thought back to her vest in her room. She should have brought it.

“You’re all right, Poppins?”

That nickname again. It was nice, she liked the sound of it, how it rolled from Jamie’s tongue. The girl put a hand on her arm and softly squeeze.

“Dani?”

She would never know why the tears came to her at that moment, why it was her name pronounced by Jamie that opened a valve in her from which a torrent of tears poured out. It didn’t matter, not really. The fact was that she was crying her heart out in front of Jamie for no apparent reason and couldn’t stop. Her legs faltered and she felt wobbly. Jamie arms rushed to hold her as she crumbled against her. The world went dark.

*******

Jamie was running late. It wasn’t anything new per se, but it still bothered her. Yes, being late was sort of usual for her but it still annoyed her. She had slept through her alarm, Mickey had woken up on the wrong side of the bed and she had missed her bus. When she finally made it to the school, she ran to her class straight into someone, the hallway being usually empty at this time she hadn’t been paying attention to her surroundings.

“Oi, I’m sorry mate”, she exclaimed as she righted herself.

She pushed her hair out of her face and found herself facing Dani. She had no time to be surprised by her presence as the blue eyes of the blonde landed on her and took her breath away. They were blank, no emotion, no light. Her whole face was worryingly pale except for the dark circles under her eyes.

“You’re all right, Poppins?”

Dumb question she realized as soon as the words left her mouth but she wasn’t thinking straight. How could she? Dani was looking at her but didn’t seem to see her. She reached her with a tentative hand, afraid of startling her but wanting to offer something grounding.

“Dani?” she called again.

The girl bursted into tears on the spot. _Fucking fuck_ , Jamie thought. She desperately searched around her for help, any kind but they were alone. When Dani passed out, she reached for her out of instinct, catching her she just as she crashed against her chest. With Dani still in her arms, she slumped slowly to the floor.

“Dani! Can you hear me?”

Her voice was frantic and she felt on the verge of freaking out. That was a lie, she was long past the verge and full on freaking out. She should call 911, shouldn’t she? Or the nurse’s office maybe? She took her phone out of her pocket and hesitated. She should call Hannah. Hannah would know what to do, she always knew. Right, that was a plan, a good plan. Hannah would know what to do. She had just dialed her number when she felt the girl on her lap move.

“Jamie?” Dani asked, her voice rough and scratchy.

She tried to clear her throat as she straightened and looked around. She was on the floor half on top of Jamie… weird.

“Oh, thank fuck”, Jamie sighed as she hung up, dropped her phone on the floor and framed Dani’s face with her hands. “How are you feeling? Are you hurt anywhere? What do you need?”

Dani felt a tired smile painted itself on her face and she closed her eyes, leaning further into Jamie’s hands. They were so warm and solid and… there. She shivered.

“Dani, please. I need you to talk to me, tell me what you need.” Jamie pleaded. She wanted to reach for her phone but felt hesitant for she wasn’t convinced Dani could carry herself alone. “Dani…” she implored again.

The urgency and worry in her voice forced Dani to open her eyes again. She took a deep breath and nodded once. The last thing the wanted was to be a burden to her friend.

“I’m sorry, I’m fine”, she declared. “It’s okay, I’m sorry.” She tried to stand up but immediately felt dizzy and was grateful for Jamie’s steady arms around her.

Jamie hold helped her on her feet and held her some more then. She carefully eyed her up and down, taking note of her tiredness and pallor. She passed a quick hand through her curls as she tried to think of a way to help.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Dani. But you’re obviously not fine.”

Dani bit on her lip and looked down, she couldn’t stand what she saw in Jamie’s eyes. It was too much, too intense. She didn’t deserve it.

“I’m sorry, I… I…” Words failed her and Dani was left stumbling clumsily with nothing coherent to say.

One of Jamie’s hand found its way to her cheek and slowly made her look up.

“Don’t lie to me, Dani, please.” The sheer vulnerability of the girl’s plead broke Dani’s heart and she immediately nodded. She couldn’t bear to be one of the people that hurt her, no matter how. “You’re not fine”, she slowly repeated, waiting for Dani to confirm with small nod before going on. “And it’s all right, happens to the best.” Her comment made the blonde chuckled and she let out a relieved sigh. “Let’s just go sit for a moment. No pressure, no need to talk, just to get our bearings back. Ok?”

“Ok” Dani accepted with a small smile.

Jamie reached for Dani’s coat on the floor and put it back on her shoulders before gathering their bags. She held her hand out for Dani and felt a wave of relief washed over her when the girl linked their fingers. She led her in silent to a small office that Hannah had given her access a couple of months ago if she needed to isolate for a moment. Hannah knew not only of her home life but also of the whole bully situation of school. Of course, she was actively fighting against bullying in her school but she understood how it could ease things for Jamie to have the possibility to remove herself when she felt the need to. She searched her bag for the key while Dani nervously looked around.

“You’re sure we can go in there?”

Finally opening the door, Jamie ushered her inside and closed behind them.

“Yeah, ‘s all good. Hannah, I mean, Mrs. Grose gave me the key.” She put their bag next to the door and dropped herself on the chair near the small window.

The room was small but the window landed directly on the street and brought enough light not to feel oppressed. The furniture was sparse: a small desk and two seats. Jamie had brought a trio of cacti and a cute succulent to give it a touch of green. It felt nice and cozy. Dani hovered a moment near the door before walking to the other seat. Jamie let the silence sat, feeling that Dani didn’t need any new interrogations, but her worries hadn’t disappeared. She stole discreet glances at the girl but kept her lips shut. After what felt an eternity but was probably only a couple of minutes, Dani spoke.

“I think I fainted because I didn’t eat anything”, she explained in a quiet voice.

“This morning?” Jamie asked with confusion. It seemed a bit extreme to faint after skipping breakfast.

“Since Saturday…” Dani answered in an even smaller voice.

“Blimey, Poppins! How are you still standing?”

Jamie stood up quickly and looked through her bag to fetch the lunch she had prepared herself. Nothing fancy but it was edible, which for her was quiet an improvement. She put her sandwich, an apple and her bottle in front of the girl. Dani flushed and looked embarrassed.

“I can’t take your food, Jamie, I’m not that hungry anyway.”

Of course, her stomach would choose that moment to make itself heard and she blushed harder. Jamie watched her with increased worry.

“Are you… I mean, I don’t want to force you or anything but you probably should eat a bit, at least the apple? Is that…” she let out a frustration sigh and ran her hand through her curls. Dani looked at her curiously, not getting where the girl was trying to go. “I’m sorry, I’m shite at that kinda things, it's not me judging you, but are you suffering from some eating disorder? Is that why you didn’t eat this weekend?”

Dani's eyes widened in surprise and she quickly answered, a hand reaching out to Jamie to put her mind at ease.

“I’m not, I’m fine, I swear!” Jamie didn’t seem convinced so she went on. “It’s nothing as big as an eating disorder, I promise, I just forget! I didn’t actively try to prevent myself from eating. I just forget, it happens sometimes” she shrugged with what she hoped was nonchalance and not just sheer embarrassment.

Jamie sat in front of her on the desk, worry still evident in her eyes.

“You get how that ain’t really comforting, Poppins? Forgetting to eat for almost two days, that’s not supposed to ‘happen sometimes’.”

Dani looked down at her hands on her knees. She knew Jamie was right but she didn’t know how to explain her what happened, she never had to put words on the emptiness that swallowed her sometimes.

“Oi, Poppins, look at me please.”

Jamie waited for the blonde to meet her eyes and took her hands in hers. She had to take a deep breath before speaking to get a hold on her feeling, on the strength of the need to hug the girl, her friend, until there was no trace left of her hurt and pain in her baby blue eyes.

“I don’t know much on that sorta stuff, ya know? So, if you tell me it’s not about that, I believe ya, I'm just worried. But I meant what I said earlier, we don’t have to talk.”

Dani nodded gratefully at her with her first full and honest smile of the day.

“Can I still eat your sandwich? Now that we’ve talked about it, I’m starved”, she declared with a dramatic voice that made Jamie chuckled.

“Be my guest, Poppins”, she replied with her trademark wink.

Dani didn’t need to be told twice and threw herself on Jamie’s lunch, moaning at her first bite as she closed her eyes. The girl on the desk was caught by surprise with Dani’s enthusiasm and awkwardly coughed in her fist to hide her flush. Dani looked at her curiously but she was saved from explaining herself by the vibration of her phone in her pocket. She took it out and answered it when she saw Hannah’s name.

_“Everything’s alright, darling? I saw you tried to call me.”_

“Aye, there was a bit of situation but I’ve got it handled” she replied with a quick glance to Dani.

 _“Does it have anything to do with Miss Clayton sudden leave from her first period?”_ Hannah guessed with her all-knowing voice.

“You know?”

 _“I’m the headmistress of this school, teachers keep me posted on the strange behavior of their students. I take it Miss Clayton is with you?”_ she asked again, a bit more firmly this time.

“Yes, I was running late when I found her, we’re in the small office” she said.

Dani stopped eating and looked at her with plain fear in her face. She wasn’t one to skip class and though the teacher let her leave class, she wasn’t supposed to jus wander with one of her classmates. Jamie didn’t miss the alarm in her eyes and reached her arm.

“’s all good, Poppins, I’ve got it” she whispered to her.

She had hoped to reassure her friend but hadn’t thought she would trust her so quickly. Dani mouthed her gratefulness and went back to the unfinished apple.

 _“Should I be informed of anything, Miss Taylor?”_ Using her last name was clear indication that Hannah wasn’t asking out of sheer kindness but as the director of the school. She trusted Jamie with a lot and now was not the time to disappoint her.

“No. We’re just taking a break for the rest of the period. I’ll make sure to walk her to her next class or let someone know if she decides to go home.” She declared with seriousness.

_“Alright, that sounds good, thank you, darling. And please, do let Miss Clayton know that my office’s door is always open if the need should ever arise.”_

“I will”, she promised easily before hanging up.

Dani had finished her lunch and was back at biting her nails.

“Who was that?” she asked nervously.

“Mrs. Grose. She wanted me to let you know that you could go talk to her if you needed. She’s pretty good, great advice always paired with a warm cuppa.”

“The headmistress called you on your phone to invite me for tea?” Dani wondered aloud not quite sure what to make of that information.

Jamie laughed and put her phone back in her pocket after checking for any text from Martha.

“She didn’t invite you for tea, it took her a couple of months before she did invite me and Mickey” she contemplated with a nostalgic look.

“Mickey and I” Dani corrected distractedly making the girl smile harder. “How did she know I was with you?”

“I tried to call her when you passed out it the hallway. I was kinda freaking out and Hannah always knows what to do when I’m freaking out so I called her.” Jamie shrugged as if it was perfectly normal for her to have the number of the headmistress saved in her phone.

Dani didn’t ask for more though, respecting that she did not have all the information nor did she need them. She checked her watch and sighed.

“I guess you have to escort me to class now?”

“Only if you want to go back, you can always go home.” Jamie pointed out, but going home was clearly out of question.

“Class’s fine”, she declared as she stood up.

“Let’s go then.” Jamie jumped down from her place on the desk and disposed for her of the trash.

They took their bags and left the office, Jamie made sure to locked it up before she followed Dani to her second period.

“I’m sorry I made you miss your class”, Dan apologized as the bell rang above them.

“’s fine, I don’t like it anyway.”

They stopped in front of the door and faced each other awkwardly.

“Still up for lunch?” Jamie asked hopefully and Dani nodded with eagerness. “Then, see ya, Poppins”, she said before going to her own class.

Dani watched her leave and wondered what she made in this life to get herself such a friend. She felt considerably better. Not only the dizziness had stopped but the heaviness in her chest had been chased away. Jamie had that power over her, it was scary and thrilling at the same time. She felt better, so much better. She could do this. She would have lunch with Jamie, thank her, maybe even talk to her about what had happened. Then, after her classes, she would talk to Eddie and apologize. She could fix this mess.

*******

When the lunch break finally came, Dani felt ready. She bolted out of her class and hurried towards the cafeteria. She managed to be among the first arrived and quickly took two trays that she filled with food before going to pay. She was sitting at their usual table when she caught sight of Jamie entering. She waved at her and the girl joined her with a confused smile when she noticed the two trays.

“I ate your lunch, least I could do was buy you another one”, she explained shyly, afraid that in her eagerness to repay her she had overstep some unknown boundary.

But Jamie just thanked her and contemplated her tray with a big smile as she sat down.

“I fucking love lasagna” she exclaimed her fork already ready to dive in.

They shared their meal in a comfortable silence for a moment. Dani ate her plate rather quickly considering that she had already eaten not too long ago. But she was still a bit hungry and she didn’t want to worry Jamie more. The brunette was devouring her own plate with a smile of contentment and it was a sight Dani didn’t know she needed in her life until now. Jamie had a smear of food at the corner of her lips and her tongue got out to lick it. Dani looked away and finished her water.

“I wanted to thank you again, for this morning. And Saturday, I guess you’re always around when I’m a mess”, she added with an embarrassed chuckled.

“You don’t have to thank me, Poppins. It’s what we do to each other, innit? You saw me being a mess and I reckon that ain’t the last time you will. When I said you didn’t have to pretend with me, I really meant it.”

Dani could read the honesty on her eyes as much as she could hear it in her words. It warmed her heart and helped her to keep going.

“I wanted to try to explain a bit, if that’s ok with you.”

Jamie put her fork down and nodded with an encouraging smile.

“I’m all ears, Poppins.”

Dani took a deep breath. She could do this, she could do this with Jamie. It wasn’t that big of a thing anyway. Sure, she had never tried to talk about this to anyone but it was Jamie. If there was someone out there who could understand her, who could make sense of the mess that she felt, it had to be Jamie.

“When I saw you Saturday, I told you I had a fight with Eddie, which was true, but I also had a panic attack.” The easier part was out and she glanced at Jamie to gauge her reaction. She was of course only met with patience and understanding. “It wasn’t my first, definitely not my last. I had another one that night and I guess that sort of triggered this ‘off mode’ I sometimes go into?” She wasn’t making any sense and grew frustrated with herself. “It’s so weird, like my mind just shuts down but my body keeps going? And I don’t really feel anything except this cold and emptiness that clung to me… That’s why I didn’t eat, I just couldn’t care about that, it didn’t even cross my mind. It was just too much: Eddie, the anxiety, my mom… it’s like I had to shut down not to explode.” She quickly wiped a tear on her cheek and when she put her hand back on the table, Jamie took a hold of it. She didn’t say anything, just linked their fingers and rubbed small circles on her it with her thumb. “But I think I’m better now, I don’t feel ‘off’ anymore.” She concluded in a whisper.

“What changed?” Jamie asked just as softly.

“I don’t know… you?” She answered hesitantly, afraid of saying too much but determined to be as honest as she could. “When you held me and called my name, I just… woke up?” Was it weird? Was it too much? Jamie didn’t say a word and Dani’s heartbeat beat louder in her chest. She searched her brain for something to say, something funny to redirect the conversation but came empty.

“I’m glad I was there for you”, Jamie finally said, squeezing the hand she was still holding.

They held each other eyes for a small eternity before Jamie cleared her throat and reached for her glass of water. Dani immediately missed her hand in hers but pressed her lips tight.

“What are you going to do with Eddie?” Dani seemed confused so Jamie went on. “You said you had a fight and then a panic attack. I guess one caused the other.”

“Yeah, I guess”, Dani sighed. “I need to talk to him, I owe him apologies, I haven’t been fair to him.” Jamie didn’t say anything. “I love Eddie, I really do but things need to change between us. I can’t go on like this” she admitted in a shaky whisper.

Silence hung heavily between the girls, almost as if a third person was sat beside them. Dani held her breath and stayed still, hoping she could disappear from this awkwardness by becoming a statue. When it became clear that petrifaction wasn’t in the cards for her, she bit the nail of her thumb and waited for a meteorite. What was Jamie thinking about? Did she upset her? Was she disappointed, or worse, hurt? Just when Dani thought she was losing her mind, Jamie caught her eyes and spoke.

“You need to do what’s right for you, not what you think you owe to people, not what they expect from you. Put yourself first, for once, even when talking to Edmund because you have to be fair to yourself too.” Jamie had spoken with conviction and Dani felt the sincerity of her words to the depths of her being. She couldn't avert her eyes from the magnetic hold Jamie's exerted on her and the world around them melted into an opaque mist. Everything seemed to be reduced to that moment, to her gaze, to the anticipation of her next words. “And I’ll keep being here for you, Dani. Whenever you need me”, she promised.

Never had she believe words more than those one. They were heavy with meaning, but warm and soft and, oh, so promising. Her voice failed her so she could only nod, a weak answer to such words but Jamie smiled and it was enough. She knew she appreciated her promise, she understood its depth and sincerity. The bell rang and Jamie stood, gathering both their tray to dispose of them before shouldering her bag.

“See ya tomorrow, Poppins”, she declared before turning to leave.

“Wait!” Dani reached for her arm and stopped her. “Maybe we could… I mean I could give you my number? So, we could talk outside of school?” Not as smooth as she would have liked, but Dani still felt proud for asking. She had mean to do it for days now, but always missed the opportunity. But after today, it felt wrong to part with no way to reach the other.

Jamie smiled and gave her her phone with a new contact ready to be enter. Dani quickly tapped her number and saved it under her name with the umbrella emoji. Jamie saw it and chuckled before leaving her with a wink. Dani watched her leave with a soft smile on her lips that remained long after she could no longer see her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!  
> Second chapter of the week to make up for not posting last week xD   
> I feel like there is a lot of dialogue here but I thought it was important to give Dani this opportunity to talk about what she felt and how her anxiety affected her. I don't think you can spend your whole life repressing who you truly are to put up with everyone expectations, and not be a mess of anxiety. I hope you liked it, I've plan to keep dealing with it in futur chapters because it's really important for me. I also wanted to hint at Jamie's struggle : she wants to be there for Dani, wants to be the friend she deserves, but it's also hard for her because of what she fears she might feels. So it's kind of a mess, the last couple of chapter have been pretty heavy so I'll try to write a lighter one ^^ Don't hesitate to drop ideas in the comment or on my Tumblr account under the same username (I just got it, so please don't leave me alone there xD)
> 
> Take care of you and until next time ^^


	8. Chapter 8

Jamie was laying on her bed with her Calculus book opened and her notes spread around her, but she couldn’t force her mind to focus on the exercises. She kept playing with her phone in her hand, her finger hovering above Dani’s number. Should she text her? She thought she ought to, after all, that was why the girl had given her her number. She wanted to “talk after school”. It was after school now. And Jamie was worried. Well, worried and curious. She wanted to check on her well-being to make sure she was feeling better. But if she was being honest with herself, which she always tried to do, she also wanted to know how her conversation with Edmund went. She sighed and closed her eyes. She wasn’t supposed to care. She didn’t want to care. Yet, there she was. She threw her phone at the other end of her bed and looked over to Mickey. The toddler was installed in her room, surrounded by stuffed animals and various toys that completely held his attention. He babbled with his elephant for a moment before a huge yawn interrupted him. Jamie checked her watch and realized it was almost his bed time. She reached for her phone and without giving herself time to second-guess her decision, she taped a brief “Oi Poppins, hope you’re feeling better”, sent it and went to tend to her brother.

“Come on, little sprout, it’s bed time.”

She took him and his elephant to his bedroom, changed his diaper and sat in the armchair with him on her lap. She reached for her old volume of _Anne of Green Gables_ and read from where they last stopped. She had not always liked to read, it was something that had gradually imposed itself on her out of necessity. Reading was an activity that didn't make much noise, that could be done on the floor as well as under her bed when she tried to escape her mother's shouts or her brother's taunting and a simple light was enough. Once she had learned, she didn't need anyone to read. She had started with Alice in Wonderland and The Secret Garden, which she still kept preciously on one of her shelves between a Maidenhair fern and a little succulent. Most of the time she borrowed books from her school library, and later from Martha or Hannah and Owen. She had tried her hand at different genres: detective, fantasy, thriller and even a few romances, but none of them stood out. She liked the comfort and history of the classics most of all. That didn't mean she liked them all, far from it, many had made her want to burn them. But she found something comforting in their endurance, they had stood the test of time, braved criticism and censorship, seduced and revolted souls of thousands. And they were still there. Loved or hated, they were always there, and they continued to challenge people, to stop them for a while. They had to be criticized, questioned, they had of course. But books, these classics in particular, escaped the mortality of things, and they continued to participate in the production of living things, new thoughts, new emotions, without having to die. It was fascinating and comforting at the same time.

When Mickey had fallen asleep after a single page, she closed the book and kept her brother close. She softly brushed his brown curls and kissed his brow. He was growing so fast, soon she would have to put him in school. It would ease her day but it was also a bit scary. She couldn’t be there with him. With care, she put him in his bed and left the room leaving his door ajar. She let herself fall on her bed and rolled away from her homework with a sigh. Still not in the mood for them. She reached for her phone -not to check her messages of course- and noticed a notification. If her heart missed a beat when she read Dani’s name on her screen, well there was no witness so who cared?

 **Hi Jamie, I’m way better thanks** **😊**

**Again, really sorry for this morning.**

**How are you doing?**

Jamie let out a small chuckle at the girl’s texts. Of course, Dani was the kind of person to text multiple messages for what could have easily been a single text.

**_Don’t be sorry, it’s all good. Im fine, tho Calc is still being a shite_ **

**I already did the exercises at Eddie’s, I can help you.**

**If you want.**

Jamie hesitated, looking between her phone and her work. It would be the reasonable thing to do, but did she really care about reason? She settled more comfortable against her pillows.

**_Nah, Im too lazy for that. How did your talk with him go?_ **

Was she being too noisy? She felt it was okay for her to ask as Dani had willingly explained the situation to her. And she was curious, of course she was. Edmund had this annoying way to bother her just by being in her sight. He had that insufferable confidence, like he knew he belonged anywhere, like he didn’t hold a single doubt about his future. And he had that possessiveness over Dan that really unsettled her. So yes, she was curious to know how their conversation went. But as minutes passed without an answer she started to regret asking. She really was bad with people. She stood, looked around her room and went to tend to her plants. She dipped her fingers into their soil to check its wetness and examined their leaves. Several needed their usual watering and she misted a couple of them with warm water when she felt it was needed. Her bird’s nest fern was not in great shape and Jamie contemplated it with a frown. She had been careful to keep it out of direct sunlight and the soil was moist enough without being soaked in water. She checked to see if some pest had set in but there were no insects. Lifting the pot out of its cachepot she cursed under her breath. It was filled with water, leaving the roots permanently submerged. No wonder she looked so bad. She emptied the excess water into the bathroom sink and carefully put the fern back in its place after rinsing her hands.

“You’re gonna be fine, mate” She said to her plant, ignoring the voice of Owen who mocked her in her mind.

She couldn't see what the problem was, talking to her plants was totally normal. And Owen was the last one who could make such remarks to her as he whispered encouragement to his cakes when he put them in the oven. He was the weirdest. She dropped back on her bed and fetched her phone. Dani had answered.

**It went well, I guess.**

**Sort of?**

**I told him I needed space, he thought I was breaking up with him.**

**Which I wasn’t but he freaked out.**

**But we managed to compromise, so it’s all good now!**

Jamie could easily see how Dani’s bright smile would ease her frown away as she typed hastily her last message, not wanting to come across as blaming her boyfriend. Compromise. What did that mean? She had clearly said she needed things to change between them and Jamie hoped she didn’t back down on that. She knew it was important to compromise in a relationship, it was all about communication and balance. But it implied that both parties were ready to listen to the other and understand them. This Edmund bloke, with his round glasses and possessive arm didn’t seem to listen a lot to Dani, he barely let her talk. She sighed again and rolled in her stomach.

**_As long as it’s what u want Poppins, that’s great_ **

It was a good answer, supportive of Dani while still highlighting what was her main point of their last discussion.

 **It is** **😊**

**It was nice to talk about it with you, it helped.**

**_Glad to be of service Poppins_ **

She waited for a moment and when no response came, she shrugged and picked up her headphones on her nightstand, put on a random album of Blondie on Spotify and went back to war against Calculus. The enemy might be strong, but her will was stronger… she hoped.

After a tough and exhausting fight, Jamie won. Or at least she felt she had fought hard enough for today. She packed her things in her bag for tomorrow, took a quick shower and slipped under her duvet. She picked up her book, _W or the memory of childhood_ , a novel by George Perec, a French dude she knew nothing about but the tittle had spoke to her from Hannah’s shelves and she had listened. She checked her phone for her morning alarms when she saw Dani’s text.

**So, reading anything new?**

They talked well into the night and even if Jamie barely read a couple of pages of her book, she didn’t regret it. Talking to Dani through texts was a different experience than in person and though Jamie wasn’t really into that sort of thing, preferring to have a real conversation, she found herself really enjoying it. Her phone would buzz several times because Dani, for the life of her didn’t seem capable of going back to the line after her sentences, and she had to send them as soon as she finished them. It was kind of cute. She was lively and maybe less self-conscious than she was face to face which allowed her to be more spontaneous. All in all, texting Dani was the good kind of messy and as she put down her phone for the night, Jamie couldn’t help but be proud of herself. She was getting better at this friendship stuff. 

*******

She woke up before her first alarm and her head was still full of the hazy memories of her dream: a jungle, a flooding river, drifting words and a lonely umbrella. She took her time to prepare herself, since she didn't have to go to the manor this morning. She tried in vain to tame her curls, donned one of her favourite The Clash T-shirts that she tucked into her jeans' high waist and spent a good five minutes looking for her jacket before she remembered that she had given it to Dani that weekend. She hadn't returned it, she hadn't even mentioned it. Was it an oversight or a conscious act? Jamie didn't dwell on the question, putting on a flannel and keeping it open. She greeted each of her plants warmly, giving water to those who needed it, and lingered for a moment in front of Patty. She had four ferns in her room, but this one was her darling and her pride. Maidenhair was a very delicate variety of adiantum that required a lot of attention, it had a fan-shaped leaf segments clustered on wiry black stems. Jamie checked the moss she had placed in its pot to help retain water and keep the soil moist.

“All good, dear” she declared with satisfaction.

She was checking her watch when she heard her brother giggling in his room. The gremlin was awake. She went to fetch him and get him ready for the day.

“Did you sleep well, little sprout?” she asked him while sitting him in his high-chair for his breakfast. She had changed his night diaper night but she left him in his pajamas, it was too risky to put clean clothes on him to eat in, she had learned her lesson. A bottle of milk, a few apple wedges and a slice of bread with jam.

“More strawbie Jayjay” Mickey demanded.

“Ask nicely, Mickey”, Jamie chided him with an expectant eyebrow raised.

“More strawbie JayJay please!”

She winked at him and added some strawberry jam to his toast before she sat down with her cup of tea. She looked at her phone in time to see a new notification from Dani. Biting down her lips not to smile too big, she clicked on it. It was a picture of a book next to a bowl of Lucky Charms with the caption “ **Because of you I’m back into reading this old favourite of mine** ”. Jamie chuckled and showed the photo to her baby brother who had managed to get jam on his nose.

“See that, sprout? That’s the kind of breakfast you’ll never have. I don’t know shite about cooking, but you ain’t gonna eat those with me around.”

“No no no no” he exclaimed with a toothy smile.

She made a silly face at him before looking down at the book. _The Princess Bride_ by William Goldman. She had never read it but knew of it, its movie was on Netflix. Maybe Hannah had the book in her shelves.

**_Well Poppins, I can only hope my good influence will extend to your breakfast habits one day_ **

**What’s wrong with Lucky Charms?!**

**_Better question would be what’s not wrong with them_ **

**How dare you?!**

**They’re part of the identity of this country.**

**The country that welcomed you btw.**

**You should be grateful and pay them the respect they deserve.**

Jamie rolled her eyes and gulped down her tea.

**_I’ll do no such things and stick to my tea. To each their patriotic culinary pride_ **

“Come on, sprout, time to get moving” she declared as she stood to gather their dishes.

She made quick work of getting him dressed, packed his bag for the day and left the house. They walked to Martha’s and the old lady welcomed them with her usual big smile and a-bit-too-long hug. They talked briefly of her plan for the day and she gave her Mickey’s bag before kneeling in front of the little boy. She kissed his cheek and bopped his nose in that way that always made him giggle.

“Be nice, little sprout, I’ll see you after school.”

“Promise?”

She linked their pinkies as she promised.

In the bus, she reached for her phone again. She was never one to use that much of her phone, but she never had someone texting her as much as Dani before.

**Can tea be considered a “culinary” pride?**

**I mean it’s a drink, not really culinary?**

**And it’s just hot water with leaves…**

**I preferred my tea in a pitcher with ice cubes x)**

**_Blimey Poppins, no need to be offensive_ **

They went back and forth with the same ease as last night, as if they had been texting for years. When Jamie finally entered the Calculus class, she was early, or not as late as usual at least. It hadn’t been a conscious effort but if it allowed her to have a bit more time to chat with Dani before their teacher arrived, well, she wouldn’t complain. The day passed quickly and was uneventful in the good way, the boring way she liked. She ate lunch with Dani as they worked on the things she didn’t understand in Calculus and talked about random things. After the bell had rung, they exchanged goodbyes and Dani walked back to Edmund was waiting for her with their friends. It must have been part of their compromise, Jamie wondered. He didn’t cling to her all day and she would come back to him after. She watched Dani kissed his cheek and linked their hands as they left for their next class. After her last lesson, she made a quick stop by Hannah’s office to have a small chat and tend to the couple of plants she had offered the woman a while back to add some life in her room.

“I’m not as good as you are, darling, but I can still water my plants”, Hannah commented with amusement evident in her voice.

“I know, I just had time to spare before picking up Mickey. Martha is taking him to the park.” She explained distractedly.

She had given Hannah a Heart Leaf Philodendron, it didn’t need much and could withstand being neglected on occasion and had broad but short green leaves. To contrast with all that green, she had also selected a potted rex begonia which added elegance and colors in a classy way that fitted the headmistress. It had ivy-shaped leaves and stained-glass color patterns with purple hairs that grew in abundance on their leaves and stems. Everything was in order, which wasn’t surprising. Hannah had a pretty good green thumb.

“So, how are you doing, Jamie?”

“Pretty good” the teenager shrugged with a small smile.

It was pretty good indeed, and she knew she owed it to her newfound closeness with Dani.

“I take it you’ve found a way to be friends with miss Clayton?”

“Blimey, Hannah, are you a mind reader?” she exclaimed with a faint blush on her cheeks.

“I’m not, but you make it obvious, darling”. Hannah laid back against her seat and eyed the younger girl with a knowing smile. Jamie held her look with a stubbornness that made her laugh. “It’s okay to have a friend, darling, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know that, but you’re making such a big deal out of it, it’s embarrassing!” Jamie complained with a deep sigh.

“I embarrass you by pointing out that you’ve made a friend?” Hannah laughed harder behind her hand. “Teenagers”, she mumbled at last.

Jamie rolled her eyes. “Well, I’ll leave you to it then. Don’t kill the plants.”

She wasn’t really upset but she wasn’t in the mood to stand Hannah’s gentle teasing either. She was leaving the school grounds when she recognized Dani a few steps ahead of her. She quickly jogged to catch up.

“Oi, Poppins!”

The blonde turned around and a bright smile lighted her face.

“Jamie, hi! What are you doing here? Don’t you usually take the bus?”

“I do, but I’m picking up my brother at the park”, she explained as they fall into step with each other.

Dani looked surprised.

“Hill park?” Jamie nodded. “The one with the large playground and the sports area?” Again, she nodded with a frown this time at the girl insistence. “I live right by it, just a fifteen-minute walk away.”

Jamie chuckled at the welcomed coincidence.

“Well, fancy tagging along to pick up the wee gremlin?” she proposed easily.

“It would be my pleasure.”

High school was not far away from the park and the weather was pleasant; neither of the two teenage girls seemed inclined to hurry.

“So, random question”, Dani declared with a hint of mischief and curiosity in her eyes. “I was talking with Becca, my friend, about some Marvel actors? About Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Holland and Tom Hiddleston. And because you’re English like them, I was wondering which one you preferred.”

Jamie stared at her with amused disbelief. Many things were being said behind her back, about her parents, her brother and herself. She was well aware of this, although she was usually able to detach herself from it - with the obvious exception of Peter Fucking Quint. A lot of what was said was just bullshit, but among the few things that were true was her sexuality. Everyone knew she was a lesbian. Whether it was an assumption, a deduction, or a pretext to add homophobia as a reason for their bullying, it was generally known to everyone. Dani should have known this too. Being in the same friends’ group as Quint, Jamie was convinced that she had already heard this jerk disrespect her behind her back, claiming that he could “turn her straight” or some other homophobic derogatory statement.

“Well, I don’t really care for them, honestly” she shrugged at last.

“Come on, everyone has a crush on at least one of them”, Dani insisted and Jamie couldn’t hold it back any longer.

She wasn’t ashamed of being gay and never bothered hiding it. 

“Considering I’m gay, I’m pretty sure I don’t have one” she laughed. “And I only know Cumberbatch for Sherlock”, she added as an afterthought.

“Oh” was the only response of Dani and Jamie glanced at her, suddenly worried. The thought of Dani having an issue with her sexuality never once crossed her mind and the mere possibility of it made her shiver. But it was the 21th century and Dani was a nice and clever girl, she had to know better.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t… I… I shouldn’t have assumed…” The words tumbled out of her mouth in a hurry and Jamie let out a relieved breath.

She playfully shoved her with her shoulder.

“It’s alright, Poppins. It’s kind of old news around here.”

The girls walked a moment in silence as Jamie let Dani digest the information as she pleased.

“How did you know?” She asked after a moment.

She shrugged, she never liked that question.

“How do people know they’re straight?” she countered. “I know some people have a crush on certain people or see a famous queer or have their first kiss and it all just became evident, but it was never like that for me. I always thought girls were pretty and I remember when I was a child, I was upset for not being as pretty as them. My brother liked girls too, so I never thought it was weird of me. I guess I only realized I was different when kids started to mock me and my brother joined them. But by then, I was already way too stubborn and revolted to think I was the problem.”

Her attraction to girls was simple and easy in a way few things were in her life and in spite of the few homophobic encounters she may had had, she never felt she had to changed or be ashamed of her. Probably because all the offensive remarks came from people she already despised. She realized not all queer kids had that chance, and she knew she was lucky on that point.

“Well”, Dani said softly, “I think you’re much prettier than the other girls and I’m glad you know there is nothing to change in you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings! 
> 
> I would like to thanks @Theothergaycousin for being my beta, she spared you from way more mistakes than you might think x)  
> This chapter is kind of a filler, so there's not much happening here, but I've been pretty hard on Dani those past chapters, and I thought I needed to allow a bit of "boring" before going on with the plot. I did a lot of search on plants, so sorry for the info dumping but I love them so much now xD Jamie's fern Patty? Yeah, it's mine, I bought her a couple days ago and she's beautiful!  
> I'll stop rambling now, but do let me know what you think of this chapter!
> 
> Take care of yourself and until next time!


	9. Chapter 9

She bit her lips not to chuckle and tapped a quick answer on her phone before looking back at the papers spread in the bed. Eddie sent her a curious glance but she ignored him and focused on memorizing her notes. Until her phone vibrated again. She checked the notification and her smile grew softer. Jamie had sent her a picture of Mickey meticulously filling a pot of soil with the caption "community service for knocking over one of my plants". He had dirt on his forehead and his little tongue poked out of his mouth out of concentration.

**_You know that child labor is illegal?_ **

**It’s not child labor, no need to be dramatic. It’s a life lesson**

**Getting your hands dirty and shite**

Dani snorted as she taped her answer.

**_Well, then, I guess it’s alright x)_ **

“Who are you talking to?”

Eddie’s voice startled her and she let out an embarrassed chuckle at her own reaction. Sitting a bit straighter, she put down her phone and faced Eddie.

“Just Jamie, she’s sending me pictures of her plants” she shrugged and waited for his reaction.

It had been a week since they had the big talk and found a compromise. It hadn’t been easy, and she had almost back down when Eddie had started freaking out, but she had pushed through, hearing Jamie reminding her that she needed to do what was right for her. And what they used to have wasn’t, so it needed to change. She had explained to him her need for space, to be just Dani and not Eddie’s girlfriend. She had explained to him that it didn’t mean she wanted to break up with him, it didn’t mean she didn’t love him. And he had listened, not at first, not until tears had run on her cheeks, but he had listened. And they found a compromise. He had agreed to give her space but insisted that she couldn’t just disappeared on him. In return, he wanted guarantees, moments during the week that would be dedicated only to the two of them, without the rest of their friends, outside of high school, and meals with his mother did not count. She understood his concern and accepted his conditions easily. So, she now ate with Jamie whenever her schedule allowed it, went home with Eddie two days a week but took the bus to school and spent a day at his house on the weekend, leaving her to do what she wanted on her own on the other. This whole organization might seem like an exaggeration, or ridiculous, but Dani appreciated the new arrangement. It gave structure to their relationship, and unexpectedly it was in this new structure that she felt freer. She had regained control, at least partly, and it felt good. Eddie wasn't as relieved as she was, that was obvious. He wasn't happy with their compromise, despite his negotiations and conditions. He gave the impression of indulging her, humoring her like he would do with a child. This was not to say that he did not respect her decision, on the contrary, he didn’t ask for more or at least did not insist as long. But he wasn’t very good at hiding his displeasure. He was suspicious of his friendship with Jamie. Although he had been patient so far, part of Dani was anxiously waiting for him to get tired of it. This situation could not last forever and she waited for the breaking point with as much anxiety as feverish excitement.

“Didn’t know Taylor liked plants” he said and she swore she could hear disdain in his words.

“She has a name, you know? And what’s wrong with her liking plants?”

She was getting defensive, but didn’t care. It felt easier now, to say what she thought and stand her ground.

“It just doesn’t really fit with her ‘too cool for school’ vibes” he replied.

“People have layers, Eddie. You don’t know her, you don’t know what her ‘vibes’ might be.”

Eddie just rolled his eyes and put his hands up in sign of surrender. He laid down next to her while she feigned an interest in her lecture notes. Eddie sighed loudly, but she paid no attention to him. When he started to caress her calf, she bit her lip but said nothing. His hand went up her leg until it slipped on her thigh and flirted with the end of her skirt.

“Eddie, I’m working” she chastised softly.

“You’re welcome to keep going” he said nonchalantly as he started to slip his fingers under her skirt, one by one.

She bit her lips harder before giving up. After a quick glance to her watch, she decided she could indulge him. She had to get back to her house in half an hour, which left them twenty minutes or so to make out. Not enough for Eddie to initiate sex but enough for him not to get frustrated with her. She gathered her notes in a careful pile that she placed at the foot of the bed before taking her usual place on the mattress. Eddie didn't hesitate a moment before joining her. He pressed her body against his own and set out to conquer her mouth. Dani thought about the essay she had to finish for her history class, she only had the last part and the conclusion left, it shouldn't take her more than an hour, an hour and a half if she wasn't motivated. She would also have to take back her physics and chemistry's notes because she hadn't been focused at all with all the messages she was sending Jamie. Not that she regretted being so distracted. Talking with Jamie was always worthwhile. Eddie slid down her neck to put kisses on her skin and she tilted her head to the side to make room for him. She let her hands travel behind his back before returning to his hair the way he liked it. She was hungry. Maybe she would make herself some pasta on the way home, with parmesan cheese. She wondered what Jamie would make to eat. The teenager herself had admitted that she herself was not a great cook, although she was trying to make an effort for her little brother. When she told her that Mickey was in a phase where he only wanted to eat either orange or red food, and she was running out of ideas, Dani suggested that she hide everything under tomato sauce. Eddie tried to take off her sweater so she brought him back to her to kiss him. It was a technique that worked with the kids she was babysitting in the summer, she was hopeful that it would work with Mickey. Maybe Jamie would send her a picture of their dinner. Since Dani had sent her a picture of her breakfast and book, it had become a habit for the girls to send each other pictures of mundane things from their daily lives. Jamie would send her photos of her plants, the book she was reading or whatever cute thing Mickey was up to. Never her face though. Dani had already sent her a couple of selfies but Jamie never responded to them with one of her own. Maybe she didn’t like selfies or she just didn’t want to send one to Dani. That thought unsettled her but she didn’t really know why. Maybe it was because she still had no photo of her to put in her contact’s details. She had saved one of her plants instead, Jamie’s favorite fern, but it wasn’t quite the same as seeing her face with each notification.

“I have to go” she whispered at last to Eddie.

She hadn’t checked her watch but she felt confident twenty minutes had pass, it sure had felt that long. Eddie groaned but rolled on the bed, letting Dani take her first full breath since he had started to touch her. She kept thinking that one day, she would feel something when they make out, arousal, butterflies, something. At first, she had been anxious, then awkward, but now, she was just bored with it. Maybe she was just not into sex. Sure, she had touched herself in the past, and it had felt kind of nice, but she didn’t particularly want to do it again. She shook herself and went to gather her stuff. It didn’t really matter. It would be easier once she would be in college. Eddie walked her to the door, she said her goodbyes to Judy, kissed his cheek and went home.

On the way, she checked her phone but Jamie hadn’t answered her last text. Not that she could fault her, there wasn’t much more to say on the subject. She pocketed it and walked faster. Pasta would be good. She could finish her reread of _The Princess bride_ and maybe she would bring it to Jamie tomorrow.

She was doing her dishes, humming to a random tune stuck in her head, when the front door opened up loudly. A shiver ran down her throat and she froze, her breath stuck in her throat. Her mother was not alone. Dani could hear her high-pitched laughter alongside a gravellier voice. She heard a thud and a chuckle and then their footsteps moved to the living room. She heard them talking without understanding their words, but she didn't need them to picture the scene on the other side of the wall. A few years after her father's death, Dani had seen her mother bring a man home. It was a rare occurrence, she could count on the fingers of her hands the number of times she had seen him. When she was little, the man had terrified her. He was imposing in her little girl's eyes and his thick beard gave him a beastly appearance that had haunted her dreams. But Dani was no longer a little girl, and this man no longer frightened her, although he still didn't inspire her confidence. It was her mother in his presence that worried her the most. Karen was a mean drunk, she became deeply spiteful to her daughter. Her accusations were numerous and painful, but Dani had come to terms with them over time and tried to take them in stride. She didn't often succeed, but she tried. With this man in the house, it was different. Her mother's alcohol shifted its target.

Dani finished the dishes, wiped them off and put them away. Her gaze wandered through the small kitchen. She should have stayed at Eddie's house.

“Fuck.”

She couldn’t stay hidden in the kitchen for the whole night. Surely, they would want to eat something at one point. She forced her hands to close into tight fists and ignored their shaking. She just had to get to her room, it wasn’t that hard. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, waiting for her heartbeat to settle. She did again once, twice before giving up.

“Come on Dani, you’ve been there before. Nothing new. Just keep your head down.”

She nodded at her own pep talk and hold her breath and left the kitchen. She tried to powerwalk through the living room to the stairs, her eyes fixated on her shoes but because the world hated her, she walked straight into the man. She had never learn his name, never care for it and as she looked up to him, she decided to call him Bob. Because, as it turned out, even though she was no longer a little girl, he still freaking scared her. But no one called Bob could be really scary, could they? Bob was just a white fat bald dude who played golf and loved barbecue. She avoided Bob’s eyes and tried to find her voice.

“I’m sorry” she mumbled.

Bob let out a deep, loud burst of laughter and one of his large hands found her shoulder. Dani's heart missed a beat and she could have sworn that the world stopped for a second. It was just her and him, his wide, powerful hand on her shoulder, with the only fabric of her jumper separating it from her skin. He had never touched her before.

“You’re all grown up, now sweetheart”, he commented and each word that came out of his mouth seemed to land heavily on her. “You look just like your mother.”

Her feet were rooted on the ground and she couldn’t move a single muscle.

“Except for her eyes, she has his.”

Her mom voice broke her free and she managed to get out of the man’s hold on her.

“Same eyes, same personality.”

So much disdain. Dani was about to start her exit but Bob put his arm around her shoulders and led her to the couch where her mother was sat. He firmly pushed her and she had no other choice but to sit beside her very inebriated mother as he made himself comfortable in the armchair next to her.

“I can’t believe this sweetheart has anything in common with your dirtbag of dead husband” he laughed again.

She hated him. Well, she had always hated him, but she now hated him with a renewed strength. Her nails were leaving half-moon marks in her palms and she focused on the pain.

“Oh, you’d be surprised. Pain in the ass, both of them.”

How long was she expected to stay there? Her senses were saturated by the smell of her mom’s cheap perfume and whatever she had been drinking. She felt nauseous.

“Why did you marry him, then?”

Bob made a good point. She often asked herself the same question. In her memories, her dad was nothing but kind and thoughtful. At Valentine’s day, he always brought her mother a big bouquet and gave her one pink rose. He had a warm laugh and a comforting smile. She didn’t remember his eyes, couldn’t tell from the pictures if hers matched his and it truly bothered her. She didn’t want to look like her mother, yet they shared the same hair and facial features. It would have been nice to look in the mirror and see a bit of her father in herself, as if she still carried a part of him with her.

“I was young and naïve, thought he could give me a nice life.”

Dani didn’t need to look up to know her mother was rolling her eyes.

“Turns out he wasn’t even fucking capable of keeping his” she added with a bitter laugh.

Before Dani even realized it, she had jump to her feet and tears were running down her cheeks.

“Don’t you dare talk about dad like that!” she cried at her. 

Bob laughed but she ignored him, focused on her mother. She had always looked older than her age and tried to hide it behind obscene layers of make-up. But Dani wasn't fooled, Dani saw her for what she really was, a lonely and bitter woman, the shadow of the woman she had wanted to be. No husband, no wealth, no family to lean on, and a daughter who kept reminding her of everything she would never be, everything she had lost.

“You don’t know him, Danielle” she said between two sips of her glass. “You were just a kid; couldn’t see he was no good.”

How could she be so calm, how could she so easily disrespect the man she had once chose to marry.

“He was an incapable, lazy, unambitious man who indulged in his own mediocrity.”

“Stop lying!”

Her mom only laughed her annoying high giggle and Dani had to bit hard on her tongue.

“It’s not surprising you’re defending him, he only had eyes for you. But let me tell you the truth, Danielle, he was useless…”

“Stop saying that!” Dani yelled desperately. “Daddy was…”

“He was useless and he died just as stupidly as he lived his life. And if you keep going like that, you will end up just like him: a bloody mess on the road and a foot note in the obituary.”

Her whole body was trembling and behind the thick curtain of her tears, Dani could barely make out her mother's silhouette. Emotions raged within her and she could not name hatred or grief as the strongest. With an angry gesture, she wiped her eyes and glared at her mother.

“You’re a lying bitch and I wish you were the one who died in an accident!”

She stormed off the living room and slammed the door behind her. The night attacked her with its coldness but she didn't care. Her body was vibrant with an energy that was hardly contained and she began to walk, long strides, fists clenched along her body, her head held high, her brow creased and her lips pursed. She felt she was on the verge of exploding, or perhaps imploding. Whatever was raging inside her threatened to come out of her as much as swallow her up. She quickened her pace. Her father was a good man, he was generous and loving. He was a good man. Her mother didn't deserve him, she never had deserved him and she could live a thousand lives without ever deserving him. Dani continued to walk through the night, unconcerned about where she was going. Perhaps if she walked far enough, long enough, she would eventually fade into the night, merge into its darkness and disappear. She walked for a long time, until her tears dried up. She walked a long time, until her fists loosened. She walked.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she let herself fall on a bench to catch her breath. It was only when she stopped that she became aware of the bite of the cold. She shivered and new tears came to her eyes. Could she still cry? She didn't know whether she had the energy to do so. The vibration of her phone in her pocket startled her and a scream escaped from her lips. She put her hand over her mouth and looked around. She was alone. Completely alone in the middle of the night. It wasn't the cold that made her shudder this time. She tried to figure out where she was, but she didn't recognize the street and fear clouded her thoughts. With a trembling hand, she took her phone out of her pocket, activated her GPS and looked at the time. It was after 10pm. She was not very familiar with this part of the city and realized that she had moved a long way from her housing estate. As her anxiety grew, she noticed a recent location close to her indicated on her phone. No contact was attached to it, but she didn't need it to remember that it was Jamie's house. Her phone signaled a 7 minutes’ walk. She hesitated for a moment, but a passing car reminded her of the urgency of her situation. She couldn't stay there.

**You’re up?**

She held her breath and waited for the answer, trying to keep herself from looking around her.

**_I’m not an old lady, Poppins, I stay up even after the sun is gone for the day_ **

She didn't have the words to describe the relief she felt when she received Jamie's response and she didn't waste time looking for it. She got up and followed her GPS. She was back to walking fast and her phone changed the distance to 5 minutes.

**I’m kind of in a situation**

**I think I need help…**

She bit her nails and tried to think coherently despite the madness of her heart.

**A huge favor, actually.**

**_What’s going on Dani?_ **

**_You alright?_ **

****

She was on Jamie's street and she looked up from her phone to find the right number. She remembered that it wasn't Jamie's address but that of the old woman who looked after Mickey during the day. Jamie was the brownish door next to the red one. She found it easily but couldn’t make herself walk to it. What if Jamie didn’t let her in? They were friends, sure, but it was still pretty new. And maybe Jamie didn’t want to deal with her being a mess for the millionth time. Why didn’t she think of that possibility earlier? She should have called Eddie. He could have picked her up with the car. Could she still call him? Her phone rang in her hand and she startled at the noise. It was Jamie. She was calling her.

“Hello?”

Her voice was weak to her own ears.

“Dani? What’s going on? Are you alright?”

Jamie seemed worried, her voice didn’t have its usual calm and playfulness. She had worried her in the middle of the night. She shouldn’t have, she knew that. Yet, there was no denying the sense of calm that was slowly creeping inside of her.

“Dani? Are you there?”

“Yes, I’m sorry… I…”

She what? Ran from her drunken mother in the middle of the night, walked aimlessly around until she realized that she was an easy prey for any psycho around?

“Talk to me, Poppins. Whatever you need.”

“I’m in front of your house” she admitted in a whisper.

There was a blank and Dani held her breath, looking at the brown door.

“Alright” Jamie finally said. “I’m coming.”

“Don’t hang up!”

She didn’t know from where the fear came, but she didn’t want Jamie to leave her. Even for the time it took her to walk to her front door.

“I won’t” she promised without missing a beat. “I’m just going down the stairs, trying not to break my neck.”

Dani let out a small chuckle as she walked closer to the brownish door. It opened slowly and Jamie got out, immediately seeing her. Her brown curls were a mess around her soft face. She was wearing sleeping shorts barely visible under her oversized tee-shirt.

“You think I can hang up now?” she asked with a tentative smile.

Dani nodded but didn’t say a word. She put her phone in her pocket and stood silently in front of the girl, not meeting her eyes.

“I’m sorry, I really am, Jamie”, she said in a whisper.

She took the couple of steps still separating them and looked at her closely, her eyes going up and down her body, noticing the absence of coat and the redness of her face.

“Are you hurt?” she asked finally, and Dani shook her head.

“Ok, good.” She looked past her shoulders before nodding toward her home. “Wanna come in?”

“I don’t want to bother you” she answered lamely. She was obviously bothering her already.

“You’re not bothering me, but I’m freezing my arse here and ya didn’t seem much warmer.” She held her hand to her, careful, welcoming. “Let’s get inside, alright?”

She agreed with a silent nod and took her warm hand in hers. Their fingers fitted perfectly. Jamie led her inside.

“We just have to be quiet ‘til we reached my room” she explained.

They made their way through the house, climbing the stairs on light feet and entered Jamie’s bedroom. The girl closed the door behind them and ran one hand through her hair.

“Not gonna ask if you’re ok, the answer’s obvious. Wanna tell me what happened?”

Dani looked at her and read the worry in her eyes. With a sigh she went to sat on the bed. She felt so tired and her legs were already sore.

“I’m sorry” she said, feeling like a broken record.

Jamie pushed herself of the door and sat beside her on the bed, crossing her legs to face her. Dani only now noticed that she didn’t have shoes, just thick purple socks with cacti prints. She reached for the throw blanket on her bed and wrapped it around Dani’s shoulders.

“You don’t have to be. I’m your friend, I’m glad you called me”, she assured and the honesty of her words was transparent on her face. “I just want to understand, to make sure you’re safe.”

“I am” Dani replied with a firm nod.

“Poppins, it’s the middle of the night, you’ve been crying and you don’t even have a coat. You can see why I might be worried.”

Fair point. Dani held the blanket tight and inhale deeply. It smelt just like Jamie’s vest that was still in her room.

“I had a fight with my mother” she said at last, her eyes glued to the cacti on Jamie’s socks. “She’s always mean when she’s drunk, I’m used to it. But Bob was there.”

“Bob?”

“I don’t know his name”, she shrugged. “I call him Bob, he’s the dude my mom brings home sometimes.”

Jamie’s finger came to her face and gently lifted her chin.

“Did he do something to you?” she asked in a breath.

She shook her head but saw that Jamie wasn’t convinced.

“He didn’t, I swear.”

Jamie finally seemed to accept her words and her hand regained its place on her lap. Dani forced herself to ignored the loss.

“When she drinks, mom is usually into long monologues about what a deception I am or some variation of the sort.” She avoided Jamie’s eyes by looking back to her socks. Some cacti had pink flowers, it was cute. “But when Bob’s around, she talks about dad…” Her voice broke and the tears came back. “She said… she said awful things about him. But it’s all lies, Jamie, she’s just lying” She raised her head and implored Jamie to believe her. “She said that he…”

Jamie took her hand in hers but kept silent, letting her decide whether she wanted to go on or not. She needed to. Why, she couldn’t tell, but she felt the need to get the words out.

“She called him useless, said he died stupidly, as if he chose to get into the car accident!” She sniffed loudly and squeezed Jamie’s hand harder. “She said I will die like him, just some blood on the road and no one would care.”

She barely had time to finish her sentence before Jamie's arms pulled her close to her and drew her into a tight embrace. Jamie’s body was warm and in spite of their weird position, and she fitted perfectly against it. She slid her face into her neck and closed her eyes. She was comfortable here, surrounded by Jamie, in her room, in her arms. She wanted to lose herself there for an eternity and if she closed her eyes hard enough, she could almost convince herself that the world behind her eyelids was an illusion.

“I’m sorry Dani, but your mom is shite.”

The simple declaration took her by surprise and she let out a watery chuckle.

“I called her a lying bitch”, she said.

“That’s a good way to put it, I reckon.”

“I said I wished she had been the one to die” she confessed, shame and anger boiling inside her chest.

Jamie hold her tighter but said nothing. It was better that way, she didn’t know what she would have wanted to hear. She regretted her harsh words but couldn’t deny that part of her believed in them. They stayed embraced for a long moment and just when Dani’s felt the sleep crept in her body, Jamie slowly pushed her.

“You should get some sleep, Poppins.”

Dani watched her get up and take out some pajamas from her commode. She brought it all to her and awkwardly scratched her hair.

“Hope ’s alright, it’s the warmest I have.”

“It’s perfect, Jamie. Thank you.”

“Ok… I’m gonna check on Mickey to let you change” she said before leaving her room.

With a sigh, Dani removed her clothes and put on Jamie’s, thick, cozy pajamas that had the same cacti as her socks. She would never have thought Jamie was the type to have this kind of goofy clothes and she stored this information in her memory for later. She folded her clothes carefully and put them on a corner of the desk when Jamie discreetly knocked on the door. 

“Come in” she said.

Jamie entered the room and stood awkwardly for a moment.

“I’m just taking a pillow and a blanket to sleep with Mickey, you can stay here.”

Dani frowned.

“I won’t chase you from your own bed, Jamie.”

“’s alright”, the girl shrugged, “won’t be the first night I spent in this armchair”.

“We can share the bed” she replied, her brain too tired to think.

Jamie seemed to consider it for a moment but her own tiredness won the debate and she nodded. They both went under the covers, the twin sized bed forcing their closeness. Jamie turn out the light and Dani closed her eyes. She felt the sleep waiting for her and tried to get comfortable on her side, facing Jamie. Blindly, she looked for her arm and briefly squeezed it.

“I’m glad I called you” she mumbled.

Jamie’s hand found hers and she linked their fingers. As she succumbed to her tiredness, she didn’t manage to understand Jamie’s answer, but she caught the word Poppins and fell asleep with a soft smile on lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!  
> Let's pretend uni and depression didn't keep me from updating last week ^^'  
> Sooooo, I hope you liked this chapter, I'm really enjoying writing this side of Dani. In the next chapters, Jamie and her will only grow closer and I'm eager to get to that part! 
> 
> Drink plenty of water, take time to rest, eat well, do something that makes you happy and until next times, mates !


	10. Chapter 10

Jamie barely got any sleep that night. She laid on her back, fixed the ceiling and willed herself to ignore Dani’s slow breath on her skin and the way her fingers would randomly clench hers, for their hands stayed linked throughout the night. She didn’t trust herself to sleep with Dani beside her in such a small bed. Waking up with Jamie spooning her would probably not help her state of mind. So, she focused on her ceiling and made lists. All kind of lists, the plants in her room, the plants in the greenhouse of the Manor, the different types of ferns she knew… When Dani started to snore, she had to bit her lips not to laugh. If they had been in some sort of fiction, Dani’s soft snores would have lull her to sleep and they would have wake up with the first rays of light, limbs tangled under the covers. But it wasn’t a novel, and Dani’s snores weren’t exactly soft. How such a beautiful and soft girl could snore like a truck driver?

When her first alarm rang, Jamie quickly turned it off lest it woke the girl beside her. It was 4:20 and she was exhausted. When she had invited Dani to stay, she had completely forgot to tell her that she worked today. She indulged herself for a couple of minutes before getting out of bed with a sigh. She grabbed her phone and the clothes she had prepared last night and walked to the bathroom. The pressure of the shower was shite as always but it helped with her tiredness. She had to wake Dani up, she couldn’t let her alone in her house with her dad. Sure, he would leave for his work in a couple of hours, but still, it didn’t feel right. And she didn’t have a car to drive her home safely. She already had her driver license and was saving to buy one, but she never seemed to find something good enough in her budget, or not too shitty. She didn’t want anything fancy, but it needed to be safe enough to drive Mickey around.

“Fuck” she mumbled to her reflection as she got out of the shower. She dressed quickly, brushed her teeth, and tied a headscarf on her hair, which saved her from struggling with her curls and made her work in the gardens easier. She tiptoed back to her room and found Dani sitting in bed with the bedside lamp on and a confused look on her face still hazy with sleep. Her bed-hair framed her face in an adorable way and Jamie felt the urge to run her fingers through this chaotic mane.

“Hi” she said softly to the blonde.

Dani looked at her confusedly, taking note of her clothes.

“Are you going somewhere? What time is it?” she asked in a hoarse voice.

“It’s almost 5am. And I have work today, I’m sorry.”

Dani ran a hand through her hair to push back a strand that had fallen into her eyes and tried in vain to hold back a yawn. Jamie watched as her words made their way to Dani until the girl stood up in a jump.

“I’m sorry! Of course, it’s Wednesday, you’ve got work!”

The girl ran to the desk to retrieve her clothes and began to take off her pajamas.

“Blimey, Poppins!” Jamie blurred out as she quickly turned her back on her friend, closed her eyes and put her hand on them. Just in case. She hadn’t seen anything, just her back and a bit of her belly. Nothing really, barely a glimpse. Just white, smooth skin that didn’t at all made her hand twitch with the want to touch it. Nope.

“You don’t have to hurry that much” she exclaimed when she got her voice back. “I thought I could drop Mickey to Martha and then come back to get you. I’m not sure what bus you can get at this hour to go back home but…”

“Can’t I just come with you?”

“What?”

She felt a hand on her shoulder and slowly turned around, peeking between her fingers before removing her hand. Dani had dressed quickly and her hurry had messed up her hair even more than sleep and Jamie couldn’t help but reach to tame some of her wilder hair. Her fingers lingered a moment at her temp before she noticed Dani’s blush and removed her hand. The last thing she wanted was to cause her any discomfort.

“Maybe I could go to your work with you and then we’d go to school together”, Dani explained tentatively.

Jamie tried to read her face. The girl looked shy, maybe even embarrassed, and yet, she had that spark of decisiveness in her blue eyes that contrasted with the rest of her demeanor. Her fingers kept playing with her jumper and yet she didn’t look away.

“I don’t know, Poppins. You don’t even have your stuff for school”, Jamie reasoned reluctantly.

Disappointment painted itself on her face and Jamie tried to find a compromise.

“What about you come back with me? After school?” She shoved her hands into her back pockets and continued with more confidence, having convinced herself of her plan. “We go our separate way this morning, that way you can pack a bag and come home with me after school. If you want to.”

She had barely finished her invitation that Dani was already throwing herself in her arms.

“That would be so great, thank you so much!”

A bit shocked, it took Jamie a couple of seconds before moving to hug her back. She felt good in her arms, better even, right. It was a strange feeling that felt familiar and kind of scary all at once. She put an end to their embrace with a gentle push on Dani's shoulders.

“I really need to get to work”, she declared with an awkward shrug. “We can discuss the details by texts?”

Dani nodded vigorously and her cheerfulness brought a smile to Jamie's face. She showed her to the bathroom while she gathered the rest of her and her brother's things. She entered his room discreetly and found him asleep, lying on his back, one hand thrown over his head while the other lazily held the trunk of his elephant. She slowly approached and pushed a brown lock of hair from his forehead before taking him in her arms. She made sure to cover him with a blanket in addition to his sleep sack before going out. She waited for Dani in her room and when the girl came back, she started to take the bags to go downstairs but Dani beat her to it.

"Take care of your brother, I'll take care of the bags," she said with a gentle authority that made Jamie smile. They walked quietly down the stairs and out of the house, greeted by the coolness of the early morning.

"You don't have a coat", Jamie remarked with a frown.

She'd noticed it yesterday but it had gone completely out of her head. Dani's nonchalant pout was much more adorable than it should have been.

"I left it at home."

"It seems to be a habit with you", Jamie replied with amusement.

They walked silently to Martha's and Jamie rang the bell briefly before using her key to get home. She motioned for Dani to follow her. Inside Martha’s house, she immediately smelt the perfume of the old lady along whatever smell seemed to always accompany old people. She found the combination oddly comforting and she offered a big smile to the woman who came to greet them.

“Jamie, sweetheart, good morning. Who’s your girlfriend?”

Jamie felt herself blushed to the roots of her hair and didn’t dare to look at Dani beside her.

“Martha, this is Dani, my _friend_ from school”, she said, stressing her words explicitly.

The old lady rolled her eyes at her and she knew she was about to start one of her long accepting speeches to reassure Jamie that she didn’t have any issues with her sexuality, having herself in her youth “been seduced by the charms of the fairer sex”. But Dani spoke first.

“It’s lovely to meet you, ma’am.”

“Aww, sweetie, just call me Martha.” She turned to Jamie and smiled softly at the toddler in her arms. “I’ll let you put him in his crib while I gave something to eat to your _friend_.” The old lady winked at her and dragged Dani to the kitchen with a quite chuckle that made Jamie rolled her eyes this time.

“Martha is way too cheeky for this side of the AM” she mumbled to her sleepy brother as she walked to the guest bedroom. When she laid him in his bed, Mickey woke up briefly with a soft cry.

“Shh, little sprout, it’s alright. Martha will take care of you until I’m back.” She kissed his cheek and waited until he fell back asleep before leaving the room. She made her way back to the open kitchen and found Martha and Dani quietly talking but the old lady immediately stopped upon noticing Jamie. The guilty look in her eyes paired with Dani flushed face made her suspicious and she rose a questioning eyebrow to them.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing, sweetheart, just getting to know your ‘ _friend_ ’.”

Jamie sighed but didn’t insist. She accepted the offered thermos of tea, said her goodbyes to the woman and left with Dani.

“You alright to catch a bus on your own?” she asked the girl as they made their way in the street.

“Yes, I found something. I just have to walk for a bit”, she answered as she indicated a direction behind them.

“Text me when you arrive? So, I know you've made it in one piece” she added with a wink.

“Alright. See you at school.”

“See ya.”

The two girls faced each other for a moment in silence before Jamie pulled herself together. She couldn't afford to be late. She waved her hand at Dani and left for the bus stop. She walked with her usual nonchalance and refrained from turning around. When she saw the bus coming she ran to catch it, determined to get Dani out of her head. She took a seat inside and dozed off as soon as she got there, her body's usual internal clock woke her up just in time for her to get off at the manor stop. She smothered a yawn behind her hand and stretched out to chase away the sleep. It was going to be a long day. She was jealous of Mickey who was enjoying the rest of the night and wondered if Dani would take the time to go back to bed. After the night she had had, it seemed unlikely that her night was really restful.

**_I made it home in one piece!_ **

**_Thanks again for tonight._ **

**_I feel like I’m always thanking you or apologizing to you. But I mean it_ **

**_Thank you._ **

**It’s ok, Poppins. I’m glad I could be there for you.**

**_You’re the best_ **

Jamie rolled her eyes but she knew she was blushing.

**See you at school**

Her fingers hovered above the screen before she typed quickly one last text.

**Don’t forget your coat this time**

Jamie put her phone in her pocket, left her things in the greenhouse and set about doing her routine, checking the condition of every plant in the greenhouse before going to look after the gardens themselves. The habit allowed her to be quick and efficient, but she took the time to give each one of them a generous dose of affection. After all, the plants needed just as much attention as water and sunshine. However, part of her mind wasn’t focused on her plants, but had stayed by Dani's side. She tried to imagine the situation in which the girl had found herself. An intimidating man, a drunken mother who dragged her father's memories in the mud and used them to predict her a miserable death. Jamie wasn’t really found of people in general, but she usually gave them the benefit of the doubt. Yet she couldn’t force herself to do the same for Dani’s mother. That woman seemed awful. It was one thing to have your problems and not know how to deal with your shit, it was another thing to take it out on your daughter and make her the regular victim of those problems. Parents didn't need to use their fists to abuse their children. Jamie sighed. Her mother had quickly learned this lesson herself, and if she had never laid a hand on Jamie, she had never missed an occasion to remind her of the burden she was in her life. And despite all this, despite all her indifference and disdain, Jamie had cried when she had left. Now time had passed and it was easier for her to let go of what she had felt that day, the day she finally realized that her mother wasn't coming back. Louise had been a shitty mother, too busy being a child herself to be able to raise one. In the end, Jamie had come to the conclusion that she had done the right thing by leaving, it was the most generous thing she could do for her. It had allowed her to step out of her shadow, to take charge and to assert herself. The Jamie who cried every night under her blanket was no more, she couldn't afford it. Mickey needed her. She had responsibilities, and dwelling on the fact that her own mother had not found love in her heart for her didn't help her situation.

Jamie wondered if Dani's situation was similar to hers to some extent, but she stopped very quickly. Dani's father had passed away, if her mother left, Dani would be left in the system. No matter how horrible her mother was, she was still there. That had to be good for something. But Dani deserved better, so much better. She imagined the girl having a panic attack in the middle of the street in the middle of the night and shivered. She thanked fate, luck and all the gods that she had called her. It was the second panic attack Jamie had witnessed that drove her to run away. How many others had she had in the past? Who was coming to help her? Edmund? This idiot wasn't good for much, but she hoped he could be there for Dani in times like this. Distracted, Jamie dropped her pair of shears on the floor and the noise startled her.

" Pull yourself together, damn it," she mumbled to herself.

She finished the work in the greenhouse and went outside. She had several parcels to weed and a few plants to prune so that the gardener could do his work after her. Unfortunately these were not tasks that captured her full attention and her mind drifted away again. At the time, inviting Dani had seemed like a good idea. The girl didn't want to go home any more than she wanted to be alone. Inviting her was the logical option, it was the right thing to do. She wasn't the kind of girl who would have sleepovers at her house, but it had to be doable, didn't it? Plus, she had to take care of Mickey, so it wasn't like it was a big deal. She just had to tell her dad.

" Fuck."

In theory, he shouldn't mind. In theory. He never said she couldn’t have friend at home. She could make it work, for Dani. She could prepare something nice for her to take her mind of her mom and whatever else might be troubling her. She started pruning some rose bushes as ideas came to her. They could eat something nice, watch a movie after she had put Mickey to bed. What sort of movie did she like? She could always ask her but it wouldn’t be the same. She had to find something nice by herself. She said she liked Marvel, didn’t she? Jamie sighed, superheroes weren’t her style. It was a nice plan B, she decided. But she needed something better. What else? Mary Poppins? A bit too on the nose maybe. She groaned, why was it so hard? Suddenly, she had an illumination.

“The Princess Bride!” she exclaimed to the roses she was tending to.

In her excitation, she moved her arm too fast and cut herself on a thorn.

“Fucking fuck!”

Blood was running down her forearm and she had to put down her shears to go fetch some band aid. The last thing she needed was for it to get infected. But her stupid injury couldn’t dampen her mood for she had found the perfect movie for Dani and her, the one that she knew would make her smile.

*******

Her morning at school had been pretty busy. She had had a surprise quiz in her first period and the second one gave them an oral presentation to prepare. Suffice to say that she didn’t have much time to think about Dani and their… sleepover, or whatever it was. When lunch break finally came, she was exhausted. She dragged herself to the cafeteria, picked the first sandwich she could get her hand on and dropped herself at her usual seat. She crossed her arms on the table, put her head down on them and closed her eyes. Just for a couple of minutes, she thought.

“Jamie?”

She felt a hand on her shoulder and instinctively wanted to whine and ignore it to chase after the sleep she needed. But she had recognized Dani’s voice and forced herself to rise her head to acknowledge her.

“Poppins”, she mumbled before yawning.

The girl chuckled as she sat next to her.

“Don’t taunt me with your energy, please. I don’t have any”, she complained with a pout as she straightened enough to eat her food.

“If it helps, I’m also a bit tired” Dani admitted with a glint of amusement in her eyes.

Jamie rose a sceptic eyebrow at her.

“I barely had two more hours of sleep at my house” she added.

With a groan, Jamie threw her wrapper at her and dropped back on the table.

“’S not nice, Poppins.”

She closed her eyes again, not caring for her half-eaten lunch and tried to ignore the noise of the cafeteria. She felt a hand on her head and soon, fingers were slowly massaging her scalp. She sighed but not out of tiredness or annoyance this time.

“Is it okay?” Dani asked.

“Yeah”, Jamie mumbled, enjoying the calmness that warmed her chest. “Your fingers feel really good” she admitted in an other sigh.

Dani froze above her, making her frown. Then her brain finally computed her words and she sat back in her chair, a deep blush on her cheeks.

“I mean, in my hair, like…” she coughed awkwardly in her fist, looking anywhere but at Dani.

_Fuck, Taylor, get a grip!_

“Hmm, ya still coming tonight?” She bit her tongue and cursed any deity that conspired to make her put her foot deeper into her mouth. “I mean, do you still wanna hang out at my place?”

She felt Dani’s hand on her and tentatively met her eyes. The girl was smiling so hard, Jamie wondered how her face didn’t split in two.

“Yeah, Jamie, I made my bag. If the offer’s still up, I would love to.”

Captivated by her smile, Jamie could only nod in silence. There was something profoundly honest and generous in her smile, a warmth, an invitation, something that Jamie could not have named but held her spellbound.

“Is it alright with your father?”

Her question took her out of her thoughts and she felt an ounce of irritation resurface. She had to call her father, or at least send him a message. Chances were that he wouldn't care and would say something like "whatever", but the fact was that the prospect of telling him was bothering her. She didn't want to ask his permission, she didn't need it. And yet, to some extent, she needed it.

“Jamie?”

A light squeeze brought her back to the present and the questioning look on Dani’s face.

“Yeah, it’s alright, Poppins. When do ya finish?”

They talked for the rest of the lunch about their sleepover -though they’ve never used the term- and agreed to meet at Dani’s locker. When the bell rang, Dani went back to Eddie and Jamie left. But when she turned around to catch one last glimpse of the blonde, she saw her arguing with Edmund. She had that exasperated look on her face that spoke louder than any words and her arms were crossed on her chest. But the twat that was her boyfriend didn't get the message and tried to grip her by the shoulders anyway.

“I said no, Eddie! We’ve already talk about this.” Dani exclaimed as she backed away.

She walked past him with long strides and disappeared in the hallway. Edmund stood still for a moment before running to her after a girl -Rebecca?- pushed him to. Jamie was about to get moving when she noticed Peter Fucking Quint looking at her. Seeing his face was enough to give her murderous thoughts, so when the wanker had the bright idea to wink at her, she flipped him her middle finger and left.

*******

The rest of her class was spent in a struggle between staying awake and thinking of Dani. It bothered her that the girl had managed to root herself so deeply in her thoughts, but she couldn’t help it. She wondered what was that fight about. She had said they were better, that they had found some sort of compromise. Was Edmund being a douche? That was probable, but for Dani’s sake she hoped he would get his shit together.

When her day was finally over, she still had to wait for Dani and after failing to work by herself, she went by Hannah’s office. She knocked softly on the door and entered when the woman answered.

“I had some time to kill, thought I would say hi”, she said as a greeting.

“Jamie, darling, it is nice to see you.”

She invited her to sit in front of her but Jamie just dropped her backpack and went to see the plants. They didn’t need watering so the teenager left them and went to stand by the window.

“What is troubling you, darling?”

She sighed and crossed her arms. She knew Hannah could help her make sense of her thoughts, but it didn’t make it easy to talk about them.

“Is Mickey alright?”

The woman's concern for her brother never ceased to touch her and she answered with a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, the gremlin is fine. I just…” she sighed and passed a frustrated hand in her hair. What did she want to talk about? Dani? What happened last night? Among every thought that was running through her mind, which one did she want to discuss? “I’ve just been thinking about Louise and my dad.”

Hannah hummed softly and stood to join her by the window.

“What about them?” she gently prompted the girl.

“I don’t know… I guess I’ve got shitty parents but it could be worse.” She shrugged, not really pleased with the words she had chose but not knowing how to formulate her thought better.

“Well, it can always be worse, but it doesn’t mean much. To each their own misery. And other might seem to be having it better or worse, but at the end of the day, you can only live your life and know your pain. No matter how you’re experiencing it, it is valid, and your pain is yours. It doesn’t have to measure up to anyone else’s.”

Jamie looked up to the woman and let her words sink for a moment. Hannah let her to do so, waiting patiently for her to express herself.

“I’ve always said that Louise leaving was a good thing, but I think I’m just realizing how true it is.”

Hannah frowned at that but Jamie seemed to be done on the matter so she didn’t push further.

“What about your dad?” she asked instead.

“I’m wondering what I owe him. It’s not like he is fatherly to me, and the only authority he has on me is purely symbolic. I don’t really consider him as my father, but I’m living under his roof, it’s his money that pay the food I eat.”

“I’m sorry, darling, I’m not sure I understand where you’re getting at.”

Jamie picked at the dirt under her nails and tried to clarify her thoughts.

“I invited Dani to stay at home tonight. And she kinda stayed last night too, but it was unexpected and I couldn’t send her away in the middle of the night.” Hannah was about to inquire about that detail but Jamie made a dismissive gesture. It wasn’t the point. “The thing is, any kid that invites friends over their house would ask their parents first, it’s the right thing to do. Or they would do it in secret and try not to be caught. But I don’t wanna do that. I’m not even telling him when I go out with Mickey, he doesn’t give a fuck about whatever I do as long as my shite doesn’t bother him.”

“Language, Jamie.”

The girl rolled her eyes but a small smile graced her lips.

“So why should I worry about whether he would agree to Dani coming over? He treats me like a fu… like an adult most of the time, it’s like we’re roommates. So why should I worry about his reaction? Why should I be scared of him? Because I share half of his DNA? Because he is a man? Because he could kick me and Mickey out on the streets?” With an angry gesture, Jamie wiped a tear from her cheek and sniffed loudly. She didn't even realize she was crying. “It’s not fair, Hannah.”

Hannah opened her arms to her and Jamie didn’t think twice before diving into the warm embrace of the older woman. She closed her eyes and willed her tears to go away.

“It isn’t fair, darling. I might sound like a broken record, but you deserve better, Jamie. And yet, if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that life never throws things at us that we can’t handle.” She kissed Jamie’s hair and closed her own eyes. “You’re so strong Jamie, it never ceases to impress me. That’s how I know it’s going to be fine for you.”

Jamie wondered how life would have been if Hannah and Owen were her parents. It was a childish thought that served no purpose, but she sometimes contemplated the idea. Never for too long, be long enough to realize the luck she had for having them in her life. She took a deep breathe as the bell rang and left Hannah’s arms. She wiped her nose with her sleeve under the woman disapproving look and chuckled weakly.

“Thank you”, she said simply. She didn’t need long declarations, Hannah already knew how important she was for her.

“Anytime, darling.” She kissed both her cheeks with affection before leading her to the door. “Now go get Dani and enjoy your sleepover.”

Jamie walked outside her office with a dramatic groan.

“It’s not a sleepover, we’re not five!”

The woman behind her only laughed and Jamie felt better. She could do this. She wiped any remnant of her tears and went to Dani’s locker. The girl was already waiting for her and greeted her with a bright smile.

“Come on, Poppins, let’s get this show on the road.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings !
> 
> For once, I don't really have anything to ramble about, so I'll just say I hope you enjoyed this new chapter ^^ I really like writing Jamie but I often find myself struggling to convey her feelings as I imagine them. I've got things prepared for her, some light angst related things, but I think it's easier for me to write Dani's angst because I relate more to it (anxiety is my good old friend), but I really want to give Jamie the place she deserves to confront her feelings and shit. Anyway, I said I wouldn't ramble, sorry. 
> 
> Take care of yourself, and until next time!


	11. Chapter 11

On the way to Jamie’s home, the girls made small talk about their respective day but Dani could sense something was off on Jamie’s side. She had a distant look and her eyes seemed more greyish. Had she cried? Dani grew worried, maybe she had second thoughts about inviting her over for the night. As they were sitting in the bus, Dani decided she had enough. 

“Is something bothering you?” she asked tentatively.

She felt close to Jamie in a way she wasn’t sure she ever felt with anyone else but she couldn’t be certain Jamie felt the same way. They were friends but she still had the right to keep things private, to keep whatever was troubling her to herself.

“Nah, just a bit tired I guess.” Jamie answered with a weak shrug.

The girl was a bad liar, it almost made Dani smile.

“So, you don’t like being lie to, but lying yourself is alright?”

Jamie looked up from her boots embarrassed. Dani gently shoved her with her shoulder and smiled to assure her that she wasn't really annoyed.

"I understand that you don't want to tell me everything," Dani said gently, "but I hope you know you can be honest with me. I won't ask you for more than you want to give me, never".

She stared at Jamie intently and made sure the girl understood the honesty of her words. Without really wanting to, she held her breath and waited for her answer. Her heartbeat was loud in her chest and she wondered if in the silence of the bubble that had formed around them her friend could hear it. After a second of eternity, Jamie finally nodded.

"I know, Poppins, thank you."

The brunette tried to pass her hand through her hair but sighed as she remembered she couldn’t.

"It's always a bit complicated with my father," she finally explained. "I don't want to argue with him tonight, especially not in front of you".

" Is my presence a problem for him?"

"Not really." Jamie frowned and searched for his words for a moment before she sighed, "It's complicated."

She looked at Dani with a contrite look on her face, but Dani assured him with a smile that it was OK.

"If there's one thing I can understand it is a complicated parenting relationship."

That got a chuckled from Jamie and Dani felt proud. When they got out of the bus, they walked for a bit before reaching Martha’s house. Jamie nodded and waited for the older lady to open it this time. She greeted them with even more enthusiasm than this morning and kept referring to Dani as Jamie’s _friend_ with an amused glint in her eyes that both excited and embarrassed her. Mickey came running as soon as he heard Jamie’s voice and threw himself into her arms. The girl caught him easily, probably used to his energy, and twirled him around for a moment before settling him on her hips.

“Did you have a good day, little sprout?” she asked him.

The toddler nodded vigorously and flashed her his toothy grin. They didn’t stay long, just the time to gather his stuff and make small talk with Martha before going to Jamie’s. It was her third time in there and yet Dani didn’t seem to get used to the difference between Jamie’s room and the rest of this house. Mickey dragged her to his room and with no surprise she remarqued that his room was as lively as his sister’s. There were considerably less plants, just a tall snake plant near the door -Jamie had told her about it, said even her couldn’t kill it if she tried- and a couple of succulents on his shelves. if the walls were painted a boring beige, they were lined with frames and posters of plants and animals to give the room a kid friendly jungle feel. The little boy presented each one of his stuffed animals with the same care with which je informed her that the chair was "JayJay's for sleepy story".

“Come on, little sprout, leave Dani alone for a moment.”

Dani looked up from her crouched position on the floor as she heard Jamie’s voice. The girl was casually leaning against the door frame and sent a wink in her direction. She had freed her hair and let it down her shoulders, a nice mess of brown curls that framed her sharp jawline.

“It’s alright, he doesn’t bother me at all,” she assured her, trying not to stare at the way her biceps flexed when she crossed her arms on her chest. Dani was starting to wonder if the she owned only tee-shirts and flannels. Not that it bothered her, of course. But something was different. As Dani looked at her -not just her arms- she compared the Jamie she was now seeing to the one she had met in the bathroom all those weeks ago. She had worn some big sweater that had seemed to swallow her and Dani realized that she hadn’t seen Jamie in one of those in a long time. She now always wore a tee-shirt or an oversized flannel. Try as she might, Dani couldn’t pinpoint the moment it changed. She mentally shrugged at the thought, it didn’t matter. Jamie seemed comfortable in those clothes, she didn’t disappear in them, quite the contrary in fact. She seemed more confident but also, more there, more visible.

“Seeing something you like, Poppins?”

The playfulness of the girl's voice drew Dani out of her thoughts and she felt the embarrassment colour her cheeks.

“I like your shirt” she blurted out, hoping to distract Jamie from the fact she had been staring at her for an embarrassing amount of time.

“Thanks” she replied simply, a raised eyebrow letting Dani know she wasn’t fooled.

But Dani had more tricks in her sleeves.

“Is that an actress that you like?”

The shock on her face was priceless and because she liked being dramatic, Jamie brought a hand to her chest and audibly gasp.

“An actress, Poppins? Really? You’re hurting me!”

She entered fully into her brother room and walked to one of the shelves to turn on a Bluetooth speaker.

“You’ve got so much to learn” she said in a stern voice.

Mickey started jumping up and down as soon as he saw his sister by the speaker.

“JayJay, put All me! All me, on the nine!”

“You’re right, sprout, good choice,” she exclaimed as she got her phone out to put some music on.

Dani watched the toddler started dancing without any song and smiled at his energy.

“Come on, Poppins, time to learn.”

Blondie's song "Call me" began to play and the siblings immediately began to sing together while performing a chaotic choreography, a comical mix of jumps and air guitar. Mickey's awkward pronunciation was combined with Jamie's more confident and tuneful voice. Jamie could sing well, really well," Dani remarked. As she wondered if she would ever get to know all the little things that made Jamie who she was, the girl took her hand and lifted her up on her feet.

“It’s a dance party, Poppins, you have to dance!”

Dani laughed loudly and matched her energetic movements. It wasn’t really a dance, but she wouldn’t dare to point it out to Jamie. Keeping her hand in hers, Jamie spun her around until she begged for mercy and stumbled because of the dizziness. Still with laughter on her lips, Jamie took her by the shoulders and helped her steady herself before bending her dramatically to the last note of the song.

“So, did ya like your first taste of Blondie?” she asked, a bit breathless, one hand still on Dani’s waist.

The truth was, Dani already knew Blondie was one of her favorite bands. She had listened to everything she could get her hand on Spotify when Jamie had offered her that piece of herself. So, in wasn’t technically her first taste of Blondie, but it was the first time she had witnessed Jamie like that, loud and unrestrained.

“Yeah, it’s really you” she answered her just as the first notes of “The Tide is High” started playing.

“Up, JayJay, up please!”

Jamie pulled her hand from her waist to take her little brother in her arms and Dani bit her tongue, she didn’t miss her touch at all. It would be weird to think about the chill that remained in her waist when she had felt such a pleasant warmth humming through her body seconds ago.

“The tide is high but I'm holding on

I'm gonna be your number one

I'm not the kinda girl who gives up just like that, oh no”

Jamie sang softly to Mickey as she slowed danced with him against her chest. She had her eyes closed and a peaceful air on her face. The way her lips moved was hypnotic and a wild thought crossed her mind. They looked inviting, kissable even, all soft and delicate. Shame quickly rose in her and she bite her own lips. She had never had that thought about Eddie’s lips. She wasn’t even into kissing.

“Poppins?”

Dani blinked and forced herself to push back those thoughts. She pushed them in dark corner of her mind where she put all the thoughts she shouldn’t have.

“Yeah”, she cleared her throat. “Just thinking of the homework I’ve got to do.”

Jamie didn’t seem convinced but she didn’t insist.

“You’re right. Better get to it, then.” She turned the music off and put Mickey on his feet. “It’s work time, little sprout.”

*******

Something had changed but she couldn't figure out what. Jamie was on her bed with her notebooks and manuals, Dani had her desk, and Mickey was on the carpet with his toys. There was a studious atmosphere in the room, except for the boy's babbling and his occasional giggles. The silence was not uncomfortable but Jamie had noticed the change in Dani's mood during their improvised dance session, she couldn't explain it to herself. With a sigh, she rolled onto her back and took out her phone. She had earned a break. Her eyebrows frowned when she noticed a message from her father and she sat down, suspicious.

**_Going out. At home late._ **

She couldn’t believe her luck. She typed a brief “ **Ok.** ” and threw her phone on the bed.

“I need a cuppa” she declared as she stood. Dani turned to look at her with confusion but she just shrugged.

“Want one? Maybe some biscuits?” she asked.

“Yeah, I need the break. I just want to finish this first.”

“Alright, I’ll put this gremlin in bed for a small nap and get the tea ready. Come down whenever.”

She picked up her drooling brother in her arm and carried him to his room. Their earlier dance party had tired him out. She laid a blanket over his small body, kissed his cheek and went to make some much needed tea.

She took out two mugs, put a tea bag in each one, and got a plate. Yawning behind her hand, she rummaged through the cupboards to find a few biscuits which she carefully placed on the plate and then contemplated the result. It wasn't worth Owen's pastries, but Jamie allowed herself to think that Hannah would be proud of the effort. Now that she knew for sure that her father wouldn’t be an issue tonight, it felt easier to relax and plan a nice evening. She opened the fridge and contemplated its contents, humming distractedly a song by Blondie. Some leftover pasta -because she was useless at measuring out the right amount-, some leftover rice -the same problem-, some dairy products, some eggs... As she spotted the two remaining peppers, an idea began to form in her head. She was no good cook, but she knew how to cut vegetables and throw them into a skillet. She turned away from the fridge when she heard the kettle, but her menu for the evening was found. She was filling the second mug, fully occupied with her action and song, when a hand touched her shoulder and startled her. She knocked the mug over and the boiling water spilled over her bare arm. A curse escaped from her lips and she backed away sharply. In her back she hit something, someone, but she didn't even notice it. She was shaking. She closed her eyes, but the images came back to her even more clearly behind her closed eyelids. She heard Mickey screaming, his sobs tearing at her eardrums as hard as her heart. The pain on her arm moved to her shoulder blade and she bit her lip forcefully. Her pain, Mickey's pain, her fear, her little brother's fear, all merged and hit her with the force of a tsunami. She stumbled and bumped into a wall and her legs weakened. She slipped to the ground and pulled her legs against her chest. Her heart was beating so fast that it seemed highly plausible that it pulled itself free from her rib cage. Everything was too loud. The crash of the door, Martha's screams, the ambulance siren, the doctors, Mickey... She opened her eyes suddenly.

“Mickey!”

She had to blink several times to see clearly through the mist of her tears and the ghosts of the past. The first thing she saw that made sense in her state of panic was Dani's face.

“You’re alright, Jamie, Mickey is fine too. It’s just here, you’re safe” the girl said but her words didn’t appease the burning worry in the pit of her stomach. With a trembling hand, she gripped the girl’s sleeve.

“Where is Mickey? Did they take him?” Her voice was raspy but she didn’t care. She needed to know. “Did they take him?”

Dani pried her hand off her sleeve and deliberately joined their fingers together. She was kneeling in front of her, not close enough to be invasive but still at arm reach.

“Mickey is upstairs, he’s asleep. You put him to bed, remember?”

Jamie slowly nodded as her brain finally accepted to be of use and help her understand what happened.

“I was making tea,” she said with a frown. “It spilled.” She looked at her arm, the skin was a faint red and she realized the hurt not only didn’t come from her back but it wasn’t that bad. “I panicked,’ she concluded with a deep sigh.

“Do you feel better now?” Dani asked, her thumb drawing small circles on the back of her hand. Jamie checked her breathing and the rhythm of her heart before nodding. “Do you think you can stand?”

Again, Jamie simply nodded and Dani helped her on her feet, careful to check she could stand on her own before releasing her.

“Can’t we go back to when you were the one acting crazy and I was helping you?” Her joke landed flat even to her own ears.

“Can I see your arm?”

Her voice was so gentle, as if she was talking to a wounded animal or a child. Well, given what she had just witnessed, it was no doubt justified.

“It’s fine, Dani. It doesn’t even hurt that much.” She said, but the girl didn’t seem convinced.

“Will you let me see it?” she asked again.

Her first thought was to say no again, but the genuine worry on Dani’s face changed her mind. She reached out her arm towards her and let her examine her burn. Her delicate fingers pressed the skin around the area and the girl hummed quietly.

“It’s not bad indeed, but I think we should run some water on it, just to be safe.”

She led her to the kitchen sink, turn on the water and placed her forearm under it so that the water didn’t directly hit her pink skin but run smoothly on it.

“I’m really sorry, Jamie.”

The girl frowned and tried to catch her eyes in vain.

“For what?”

“I didn’t mean to startle you, I shouldn’t have reach for you like I did.”

“Oi, Dani, accident happens all the time. It’s not your fault.”

Finally, the girl looked up and her eyes shone with contained tears.

“It’s not all the time it triggers a panic attack.” 

Fair, Jamie thought bitterly, annoyed at herself for reacting that way.

“Still, not your fault Poppins.”

They stayed silent until Dani turned the water off and carefully dried Jamie’s arm.

“Do you want to talk?” Dani asked at the same moment the other girl sighed “I fucking need my tea.”

They both chuckled at the lingering awkwardness.

“Let’s do both, alright? Tea, biscuits, and gossips about my trouble past” she declared. “Damn, Owen was right, I am an old lady.”

“You want me to do it?”

“No offense, Poppins, but after everything you’ve said, I don’t trust you with my tea.”

“Fair enough.”

Jamie emptied the kettle and filled it again with fresh water and explained the fine art of making tea to Dani. They carried the tray to Jamie’s room and the girl allowed herself a moment to check on her brother, still asleep in his bed. The past was still the past and he was safe and sound. The girls settled on Jamie’s bed and after a moment, she spoke.

“I don’t even know where to begin” she admitted after a sip of her burning tea. The warmth spread in her body and she felt herself relax some more. It was weird, she should be tense and closed off, she didn’t like to share her private life; after all, it was private. And yet, with Dani sitting in front of her, her legs crossed and her back straight, her soft blue eyes nothing but patient and welcoming, she felt at ease.

“The beginning is usually a good start. But wherever you want is fine by me.”

Dani tried her tea but it was still burning hot so she took a cookie to eat, waiting for Jamie to be ready. The girl took a shaky breath, exhaled, and started her tale. She told her about Louise and Dennis being too young, too selfish. She told her about neglecting parent and bullying brother. She told her about being alone, being a burden, being a victim, not knowing what to do with her pain and tears, and then her anger and fists.

“And then Mickey came” Jamie said, a fond smile on her face. “Everything changed with him. Louise left for good and I couldn’t stand the thought of him growing up as I did, so, I had to take care of him. Dad was always working, Denny couldn’t see past his dumb nose, he only had me. Not much, he deserves so much more. But he’s my baby brother, I’m his sister, and I’m still here, always will.”

Dani reached for her cheek and wiped a lonely tear. Jamie closed her eyes for a moment and leaned on the touch. A random thought crossed her mind and she didn’t bother to censure herself, used to them when she was around Jamie. Her long dark eyelashes were elegant. She didn’t know eyelashes could be elegant, but the fact remained that Jamie’s were.

“Last year,” she said without opening her eyes, “there had been an accident, kinda like what happened today. But worse.”

Dani felt the shiver as it passed through her and moved closer to her, her knee pressed against her thigh.

“I was boiling water for some pasta, but I was distracted reading a book on toddlers” she let out a bitter laughter as she opened her eyes. Dani dropped her hand from her face and reached for hers. “Mickey had been agitated all day. We hadn't gone out because of the poor weather and he had too much energy and frustration accumulated, and I was reading this stupid book. By the time I realized he wasn't next to me he was already climbing on a chair in the kitchen. God only knows what he wanted to do. Of course, I'm stupid, so I left the handle of the pot within reach. I ran to stop him, and of course I was too late. I managed to take most of the water but Mickey was terrified. Long story short, his screams caught the attention of Martha who was on her way home, she called 911, we were taken to the hospital. Nothing serious, but social services were called because we shouldn't have been alone. It was big mess, they wanted to put us in the system but my dad refused, Martha defended us, and in the end, we got away with a warning and the promise that they would come back if things got out of hand again.”

Jamie kept her head low, her brown curls making a curtain that concealed her eyes to Dani. But she heard the tremor in her voice and the small sniffs. She didn’t need to see her face to know she was on the verge of crying. She held her hand tighter and bit her lips to contain her own tears.

“It was awful, Dani. They kept talking like we weren’t there, making plans to take Mickey from me and shite. It can’t happen.” She looked up and the fierceness in her eyes took Dani’s breath away. “I won’t let them. Mickey is mine, I’m his, and it’s not much, but I won’t let them take him away from me.”

“They won’t, he is yours and you’re his.” Dani promised.

Their words hung heavily for a minute before Jamie nodded once, accepting her friend’s promise. She seemed to realize their proximity but Dani didn’t care. She opened her arms to her and after a brief hesitation, Jamie dove into the hug earnestly. Dani held her tight, breathed in the fruity scent of her shampoo and closed her eyes. Here, Jamie in her arms, her head resting on hers, the press of their joined bodies, it felt right. No pretense, no exception, just a comfortable and quiet honesty. Her heartbeat was steady and her mind was at peace. No sneaky voice whispering to her, no anxiety waiting for the good moment to jump on her. It felt right in a way it never felt before. When at last, they broke their embrace, there was no awkwardness or regret. Jamie smiled at her and tucked a blonde lock behind Dani’s ear. Her hand slipped down her cheek gently and Dani felt herself blushing.

“Thanks, Poppins.”

The simple word was heavy with gratefulness and something more, something deeper that Dani couldn’t name but felt proud of.

“Anytime, Jamie.”

They went back to their snacks, easily falling back into lighter conversation. Jamie complained about her tea being cold, Dani mocked her accent and they returned to their homework, this time sharing the bed. When Mickey woke up from his nap, Jamie put him at his place at the foot of the bed with his alphabet puzzle, and the small group continued their activities in a natural way that could have been surprising. Dani and Jamie prepared the meal together, chopping the peppers, seasoning them clumsily, and sautéing them in a skillet with the remaining pasta and some beef balls. The meal took place in a domesticity surprising for such young girls, but they didn't dwell on it. Mickey was soaking up the attention he received from both his sister and Dani, and the teenage girls laughed heartily at his antics. Dani did the dishes while Jamie gave Mickey his bath and then she took her turn in the bathroom to let the siblings finish their night routine. If she put on the same pajamas she had slept in last night with the cute cacti, even though she had packed her own, no one had to know. While waiting for Jamie in her room, Dani checked her phone for the first time that afternoon and scowled at the number of notifications. Three missed calls from Eddie and about ten messages. She chose to ignore him, not feeling in the mood to justify herself to him again. They had already had an argument in the cafeteria, she didn't want another one over the phone. A message from Rebecca caught her attention.

**_Still alive or do you need the rescue team Eddie keeps trying to launch? xD_ **

**I’m alright, please stop him!**

**_Don’t worry, girl, I’ve got you back_ ** **_😉_ **

**_You’re having a good time with Taylor?_ **

**_*Jamie_ **

**Yeah, it’s really nice.**

Dani smiled and amended her text.

**She’s really nice** **😊**

**_Good. What did you do?_ **

**Not much, homework, cooking. It was chill.**

**We’re watching a movie tonight, but she didn’t tell me what.**

**_Was it worth your fight with Eddie?_ **

She didn’t have to think twice to answer.

**Yes, totally**

**I’m so tired to fight all the time.**

**_I thought you talked with him?_ **

**I did!**

**But I think he’s jealous of my time with Jamie.**

**He doesn’t understand what we have.**

**_And what is that?_ **

What did they have? Dani looked around the room, the Jamie-ness of it all and bit her nails.

**Something him and I no longer have**

**If we ever did**

They were friends, that was certain. But it was different than her friendship with Rebecca. Were they best friends? She frowned at the thought. Was it too early to think that? It didn’t feel right, like she kept missing something important. She sighed.

**I don’t know, it’s weird.**

She waited for her friend’s answer, hoping it would help her but when the notification finally came, it was no help.

**_Peter arrived, see you tomorrow!_ **

She threw her phone on the bed and fall on her back.

“All good, Poppins?”

From under her arm, Dani groaned, making the other girl chuckled.

“Well, whatever it is, I promise you, you won’t have time to think of it.”

Dani peeked at her with skepticism evident on her face.

“Will you tell me what we’re watching?”

Jamie turned the light off and lit the fairy lights around her bed. She climbed next to her with her laptop and got comfortable against the cushions.

“Tonight, Poppins,” she declared with a dramatic voice” I present to you -drums rolls please- The Princess Bride!”

Delight painted itself on Dani’s face and she squealed with excitement.

“How did you know I had planned to rewatch it?”

Jamie winked at her and pressed play on the movie.

“Have you seen it before?” she asked curiously.

“No, so no spoilers”

They barely were ten minutes in it before Jamie complained.

“It’s old, Poppins!”

“It’s not that old, Jamie, don’t be dramatic. It came out in 1987.”

“Old, that’s what I said” Jamie mumbled.

“Shh, you’re missing everything!”

Dani could recite each dialogue in her sleep, but she didn’t mind. It was a comfort for her, something silly and cute that felt warm and safe. Sharing it with Jamie felt right and when the girl put her head on her shoulder, she found her hand and linked their fingers. Right. After a quarter of an hour, she was astonished at Jamie's silence and turned to find her asleep on her shoulder, her face relaxed, her mouth slightly opened. A fact then came to her with disconcerting force and indisputable clarity.

She had to break up with Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings ! 
> 
> I finally wrote some angsty thing for Jamie! When I first thought of writing this AU, I had a couple of scenes in mind regarding Jamie, and her panic attack was one of them, it just took me 11 chapters to finally write it xD Some of you wanted some angst for Jamie around her past, with Dani comforting her, so, I hope it pleases you. Do let me know!  
> Also, I didn't think of it when I started this story, but it's been brought to my attention that it's kinda a slow burn, oups xD But Damie is happening, I swear xD
> 
> This is your reminder to drink some water and be kind to yourself ^^ until next time!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning : there is some homophobic things at the end of this chapter (a slur, and then physical bullying) so if it makes it you uncomfortable, you may stop your reading at the second "***". You won't miss anything that won't be explain in the next chapter. It's pretty short, but I think it's worth mentioning.

Jamie woke up lazily to the sound of her alarm buzzing. She kept her eyes closed and pulled her arm out from under the weight of her duvet, fumbled for her phone and turned the alarm off with a grunt. She felt herself gradually becoming more awake, as her mind began to list what she needed to do today even if she wasn't ready to get up yet. Just a few more minutes. She could afford it. Deciding to allow herself a moment of laziness, she leaned back a little more into the warmth of her bed and clutched the arm that wrapped around her waist. A muffled sigh caressed the back of her neck and fingers slid over her belly in an electrifying caress. Jamie gasped and opened her eyes. "Fuck," she whispered in alarm. Dani was behind her. Dani was spooning her. Dani was the big spoon -she was the little spoon? The breath of her exhale tickled the back of her neck with its warmth, the movements of her breath pressed her chest against her back, her legs were intertwined with hers under the duvet, her arm was wrapped around her waist. And her hand was tucked under her t-shirt, her fingers against her bare skin. "Fuck." It was too hot. She had to get out of there -to start her day, of course, not at all to escape this deliciously dangerous situation. Jamie tried to extricate herself from the bed without disturbing Dani, but she barely had time to untangle their legs before she felt Dani's grip tighten around her.

"Two more minutes," Dani mumbled against the back of her neck, her lips brushing against the girl's skin.

That simple touch sent a jolt of heat through Jamie's body and she bit her lips to keep them from betraying her by letting out some sinful moan. She mentally counted to ten to regain some semblance of sanity in her foggy mind. "Dani is your friend," she thought. "You are sharing a small bed, there's not much room, and in order to be comfortable, you have hugged each other. Friends could cuddle. It could be platonic," she tried to convince herself. Admittedly, Jamie wasn't sure that spooning could be platonic. And since when was she the little spoon?

"Dani, we've got class, we've got to get up," she said in a serene, calm voice. Or at least she tried to. If her voice was shaky and breathless, no one had to worry about that. Dani would wake up, realize the problem too, release Jamie from her hug, probably blush in embarrassment, Jamie would make a little joke to distract her and then, no big deal, they could start their day ignoring it all.

"I don't want to, I'm good here," Dani replied. Again, Jamie felt her lips on her neck and she closed her eyes. Had God decided to test her resolve? Dani's hand went up under her shirt and Jamie held her breath, but it slowly went back down. Dani was dreaming, Jamie decided, surely she thought she was with Edmund. It was the only thing that made sense about the situation. Jamie forced her mind to recall the existence of this moron to chase away the non-platonic thoughts that fogged her mind.

"Dani, we really need to get up. I have to get Mickey's stuff ready."

Lie, his things were already packed but Dani didn't need to know that.

Behind her, Dani grunted and rolled onto her back, her arm finally releasing Jamie from her gentle grip. Without wasting a moment of regret for the warmth, Jamie sat up and put her feet on the floor. Why the hell was she out of breath?

Dani ran a hand over her face to chase away the sleep.

"Are we late?" she asked Jamie who still had her back to her.

Jamie stood up abruptly, a hand in her hair to tidy up her most unruly locks.

"No, don't worry. I'll just pop into the bathroom, take your time waking up."

She spoke eagerly, gathering the things she needed before storming out of the room. Dani looked at the closed door in confusion, trying to figure out her friend's attitude, before giving up. She was definitely not awake enough to get lost in such thoughts. She closed her eyes and rolled onto her stomach in the middle of the bed. She took a deep breath and was overcome by the smell of Jamie. This was the second time she had slept with Jamie, and she was surprised at how well she slept. She had never slept so well as with her by her side. When last night's movie had ended, she'd turned off the computer, put it on the desk, gone to the bathroom, glanced at Mickey to make sure he was still asleep before crawling back under the duvet. Jamie asleep looked so much younger, more relaxed, as if she was finally rid of the weight of the world she carried around all day. Lit by the fairy lights above her bed, Dani had allowed herself a moment of contemplation. She still wasn't entirely sure what she wanted, but two things were no longer in doubt. She didn't want to pretend with Eddie anymore and she wanted Jamie. Her company, her affection, her laughter, her attention, whatever the girl was willing to give her. With a sigh, she'd turned off the light and turned to Jamie to sleep. Waking up with her in her arms had been a delightful surprise, a warm and pleasant feeling of belonging and rightness, so different from the anxiety that always awaited her when she woke up. She had to break up with Eddie, but in that moment, Jamie in her arms, her body pressed against hers, the steady movements of her breath under her hand, Dani was not afraid. When she slept with Eddie, he was on his stomach and his arm weighed down on her, either on her waist or on her chest. The few times they'd tried to sleep in spoons, she'd felt oppressed by his body pressed against hers and hadn't slept a wink all night. Even in her sleep, she couldn't escape him. She didn't like feeling him pressed against her and had no desire to press herself against him. That was why she preferred to sleep alone, with nothing and no one to restrict her movements. With Jamie it was different. Her presence was like a new center of gravity, an oasis in the barren desert of her sleep, a haven in the tempest of her dreams. She radiated an irresistible warmth. Her body against hers made sense. Her dreamy smile disappeared from her face as a thought crossed her mind. Hadn't Jamie loved her? Had she felt trapped, oppressed, chained by her involuntary embrace? Dani sat up in bed and bit her nails, thinking. That would explain her behavior this morning. Had she inadvertently been the Eddie of the situation? Anxiety, her dear old friend, hadn’t been as far away as she had hoped. Was she mad at her? She probably was, she had made her uncomfortable in her own bed.

She stood quickly and made the bed, as if cleaning after a crime scene. She quickly removed Jamie’s pajamas, folded them and dressed in her own clothes. She then picked her phone and scrolled through the notifications. With a sigh, she clicked on Eddie’s messages.

**Wtf Danielle?!**

**You could at least answer your damn phone!**

**Danielle?!**

**Fuck you**

**You can’t ditch me like that whenever you want, we’re a couple!**

**You ignore me for Taylor?!**

**You barely know her!**

**What’s going on with you?**

**Danielle?**

**Look, I’m sorry, I’m just worried**

**I love you**

**Please, call me.**

**You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you**

**Just call me please, let’s talk**

**Danielle, please**

**Just talk to me**

**We’ve known each other for most of our life, it has to mean something.**

**We are meant to be**

**I’ll see you at school**

She had tears in her eyes when she finished rereading his texts for the third time. She never meant to hurt him like that, he didn’t deserve that. Her fingers hovered above the screen, not knowing what to answer, knowing she needed to talk to him face to face, but scared not to have the strength to do it.

**_I’m sorry Eddie, I think it’s best for us to…_ **

She deleted the text. She couldn’t do it by messages, no matter how scared she was.

**_Eddie, we need to talk, I’ll explain it all…_ **

Could she? It was barely making sense for her.

**_What I have with Jamie…_ **

No, it wasn’t about Jamie and whatever they had. It was about her acknowledging what had always been there and what never was.

**_It was never meant to…_ **

**_You’re my best friend and…_ **

**_I love you too but…_ **

Why was it so hard? She just had to be honest, it was the only way to do it. Wiping a lonely tear off her cheek she decided not to engage in any explanations by text.

**_I’m sorry Eddie… We’ll talk at school, I promise._ **

She sent the message and pocketed her phone. She won’t look at it anymore. At the same time, Jamie knocked gently on the door.

“Come in.”

Jamie entered her room and frowned at the bed.

“You didn’t have to make the bed, Poppins.” She said with an amused smirk.

Hearing her nickname from her lips calmed her some more and it felt easier to breath. She could do this, whatever she had to do.

“I’m sorry.”

Jamie looked at her, confusion evident on her face.

“For this morning, and tonight I guess”, Dani explained in a rush. “I didn’t mean to… to cuddle you in your sleep. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

To her surprise, Jamie burst out laughing.

“You didn’t make me uncomfortable, Poppins, it’s alright.” The girl assured once she calmed down, a faint blush on her cheeks. “Not gonna lie, I was surprised but…” Jamie passed her hands in her curls and glanced around the room, avoiding Dani’s eyes. “It felt nice… and I slept well, so no complaints from my side.”

It was Dani’s turn to blush as she fumbled with the sleeve of her jumper, looking for an appropriate answer.

“Anyway, I guess that’s what happens when you’re used to sleep with your guy.” Jamie snorted. “I don’t how you manage to spoon this tall boyfriend of yours though.”

She chuckled at her own joke but stopped when Dani didn’t join her.

“I don’t.” Dani said strongly. “I don’t like sleeping with him.”

The girls stared at each other for a moment in silence, although their eyes seemed to have a conversation of their own. _"Y_ _ou're special"_ Dani's blue eyes seemed to say, while Jamie's replied _"You deserve better"_. Finally, Jamie broke their gaze first.

"I'm going to go wake Mickey up. Meet us in the kitchen when you're ready."

She waited for Dani to nod before heading off to get her brother. She found him awake in bed, patiently cuddling his stuffed animals while he waited for his sister.

"Good morning, little sprout, sleep well?"

"Morning JayJay! We eat strawbie? please?"

Jamie picked him up laughing and covered him with kisses.

"You’re a starving gremlin, aren’t ya?”

She changed his diaper, put him on her hip and walked downstairs to the kitchen. She prepared their breakfast while listening to him chatter, and struggled with the coffee machine.

"Dana! Jayjay make food for me!”

Still wrestling with the coffee-maker she never used, she smiled at Dani’s way to interact with her brother.

“Wow, you’re one lucky boy.”

“Wow wow wow” Mickey repeated with a cute giggle.

“You need help over there?” Dani asked just as Jamie finally managed to defeat her enemy.

“Nah, I won” she answered, making the girl laugh softly.

They shared a quiet breakfast but Jamie could sense Dani’s anxious energy.

“Something’s troubling ya?”

She saw her about to deny it instinctively, but she changed her mind at once. Dani sighed and looked into her empty mug as if to find her answers.

"Yes, but it's nothing to worry about. It's something I have to deal with on my own."

Jamie read the determination in her eyes, behind the cloud of her anxiety and doubt. She took her hand on the table and let their fingers link with an ease that was now familiar and comforting.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll be fine. And I'll be here to listen if you want to talk about it, or just to be there with you."

*******

Without Jamie by her side, her anxiety was back full strength. They had met Eddie on their way to school. When he spotted Dani, he broke away from his group of friends to meet her, and in a fit of panic, Dani grabbed Jamie's hand, holding her back on the discreet exit she had planned. They didn't have time to really talk, but agreed to meet in the parking lot at the end of the day. Eddie had that beaten puppy look on his face, as if resigned to the inevitable. Behind his round glasses, Dani thought she even saw tears, and she gripped Jamie's hand tighter in hers. The girl made no comment and walked silently to class. But now Dani was alone. She had fled from the cafeteria to the library. Her phone had received several messages, four from Rebecca and one from Jamie. She only opened hers.

**You’ve got this, Poppins.**

Maybe Dani wasn't so lonely after all. Her last period ended and she made her way to the meeting point. It was alright, she got this. It had to be done, it was the best for them both. It was hard and painful, but it was for the best. Eddie will understand, she thought. Maybe not now, but later… eventually.

“Danielle.”

Dani took a deep breath and walked to him. He was sitting on a bench, away from the bustle of students leaving the school. She sat beside him and he quickly grabbed her hands.

“I’m so sorry Danielle, I really am.” The girl sighed. She didn’t need him to apologize. She tried to speak, but he didn’t let her. “You’ve asked for space, and I said I get it, but truth is, I don’t. I don’t understand why you need space, I think that’s why it’s so hard for me to give it to you. I love you and you love me. We’ve been with each other for so long, we’re meant to be. We’ve always said so, everyone does! Your mom, my mom, everyone at school, even Mr Tacker said so. I don’t understand what’s going on with you, but it’ll pass, I’m sure. It’s just a phase. Every couple hit rough phases, it’s our first. But it’s going to be ok. You’ll grow out of it, and you’ll see that…”

“Shut up.”

Eddie stumbled over his words and frowned at her, trying to catch her eyes.

“What?”

“Shut up, please” Dani repeated.

“Danielle, listen.”

He had this voice, the you’re-being-childish-Danielle, and it made her mad. She dropped his hands and stood up.

“I won’t, Eddie, why should I? You never bother to do the same with me!”

She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. She didn’t want to be aggressive, she didn’t want this all thing to end in a confrontation. It wasn’t supposed to be one.

“Danielle, I…”

“It’s not about you, Eddie! Everything is not about you, or us!” Her fists clenched at her sides and she forced herself to remain calm. “I’ve been trying to tell you this for so long, but you never listen. I’m a person and I have my own life going on, and not everything is about you or our relationship. I’ve got feelings of my own, thoughts of my own and I’ve never felt I could tell you about them, because you’re always going on and on about you and whatever you think we’re supposed to have. But the thing is, Eddie, I’m tired. I’m so tired of pretending. I don’t want to anymore.”

With an angry hand, she wiped the tears from her cheeks and bit her tongue to control herself. She was crying from anger, from fatigue, from pain; all her emotions had turned into a dark pit in her chest that sucked all her energy away. She dropped back onto the bench and looked at Eddie. He was crying too.

“I don’t understand… You’re pretending? You don’t love me?”

The hard part was just beginning.

“I do love you, Eddie, you’ve been my best friend for so long. A part of me will always love you. But it’s not right, it’s not the right kind of love.”

“You’re not making any sense, Danielle!”

“I’m not in love with you, Eddie, I never was.”

There. She had said it. She had finally said it. The worlds were loud between them, as if a third person was sitting between them, holding them both by the throat, not squeezing, but threatening enough to make them stand still. Dani held her breath, counted each beat of her heart. An eternity seemed to unravel until Eddie broke free and stood.

“Fuck you, Danielle!”

Fair, she forced herself to think. She had hurt him, he was angry, it was fine. She could…

“So what? You’ve been using me? To escape your shitty life? To have a good laugh with Taylor? We had sex, for God’s sake! You’re just a whore.”

Before she could even make sense of the words that were thrown at her, Jamie came and faced Eddie with a threatening finger pointed at him.

“Calm the fuck down, mate.”

Dani barely recognized her voice. The girl had dropped her bag on the floor and stood in a fight stance in front of Eddie. Dani recognized the way she held herself. She wouldn’t hesitate to get physical if the need arose.

“Get the fuck out, Taylor, you’ve already done enough.” Eddie spat at her.

Dani finally got her control back on her body and grabbed Jamie’s arm as she stood.

“It’s not about her, Eddie. I understand you’re mad, but…”

“Oh yeah, I’m mad, Danielle! We were great together, and you start hanging out with… with this whore and…”

“Careful with your words, I won’t repeat myself”, Jamie threatened lowly, but Eddie didn’t flinch.

“And now you say don’t love me? Of course, I’m mad! It’s because of her, it has to be!”

“Maybe you should listen to what she’s telling you!”

“Don’t tell me what to do, you’re just…”

“I’m gay!”

The world stopped. She could swear the world had stopped. Eddie surely shut up for once. She closed her eyes, but the silence was deafening. She was going to be sick.

“Fuck you.”

Eddie left.

_Fuck you._

_Whore._

_You used me._

_Shitty life._

_We had sex._

_Fuck you._

_Whore._

_Whore._

_Whore._

_Whore._

_Whore._

_Whore._

“Dani?”

Dani opened her eyes, grabbed her bag and left. 

*******

Jamie watched her leave and picked up her own bag. After her last class, Jamie had stopped by to talk to Hannah about her panic attack the day before. She always felt on edge after that kind of episode, and talking about it with Dani had brought painful memories to the forefront of her mind. Hannah would have had the words to help her, she always did. But after waiting for ten minutes outside her office door, she realized that the headmistress' appointment was not going to end any time soon and she couldn't keep Martha waiting. As she walked across the parking lot to her bus, her eyes were immediately drawn to Dani's blonde ponytail as she furiously paced in front of Eddie. She saw her fall on the bench, drained, with tears in her eyes. Without realizing it, Jamie had moved closer. Not to listen to their conversation, but just to be near her, as if her presence would be enough to give her energy back. Edmund had stood up abruptly, and his angry shouts could clearly be heard. Jaime had clenched her fists but had not reacted until she heard his insult. She knew it was just a word, an insult that men often hid behind to disrespect women who did not behave as they wanted. Rationally, she knew it was just a word, surely the rotten fruit of an anger that Edmund would regret tonight. But rationality didn't stand a chance against the rage that had risen in Jamie. Whore. That word had been spat at her mother, then at her. She'd gotten used to it, tried her best not to get carried away. But this time, Dani was the target. She would have punched this fucking twat in the face if Dani hadn’t stop her.

“I’m gay!” she had yelled, and then Eddie was gone and she was too.

Once the horizon had swallowed her silhouette, Jamie started walking. She didn’t try to catch the bus, she needed to clear her mind, see past the anger and hurt still boiling in her to understand what had happened. Dani just came out to Eddie, in front of her and half the school. In anger, in pain, in distress.

“Fuck” she mumbled to the air.

“Hey, Taylor!”

Her fists instinctively clenched.

“Fucking fuck.”

She wasn’t in the mood to keep her head down. Not today. She stopped, dropped her bag and turned to face Peter Fucking Quint.

“So, being a whore and a dike wasn’t enough? You had to make Danielle one of yours?”

“Don’t fucking mess with me today” she answered simply, not wasting her breath to reply to his slurs.

He laughed.

“We’re not at school anymore.”

She barely had time to registered his words when his first punch landed on her cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!
> 
> She did it, she finally dumped Eddie! Writing this scene was sooo satisfying xD I didn't mean to write Eddie like that, but he was so annoying and I was so pissed at him that I needed him to be an asshole.  
> Also, the first part of this chapter was really fun to write! Things are moving, guys *smug face*  
> I've outlined the next several important things that I want to write in this fic, so I can confidently say that we're past the half of it. I think this fic will be 15 chapters? Maybe more, but not much...  
> Anyway, please tell me what you thought of this chapter!  
> Take care of yourself, I'm sure you're doing great! 
> 
> Until next time ^^


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